Is my dad being unreasonable?

[AnimalChaos]

My dad gives all his grandchildren a lump sum on their 25th birthday. The grandchildren are all in their twenties so have either received it already or will receive it very soon.

My sister has 2 children who have both received it. She also has 2 step children, one has just turned 25 and one is 23. She has been their step mum since they were 10 and 8.

My dad did not give her stepchild child the lump sum for his 25th birthday and my sister has fallen out with him over it. She thinks he is unreasonable for not giving her step children the same. My dad’s reasoning is that he wants his money to go to his biological grandchildren.

Would you say my dad being unreasonable? My sister wants me, our brother and all of our children to tell our dad he should give her stepchildren the same lump sum. I’ve said I sympathise but we can’t tell him how to spend his money and it’s a shame to fall out over it.

My brother has 2 children and a stepchild who is 22. He has said it’s up to our dad what he does with his money. He’s been his step dad since he was 13.

I have 2 children and no step children.

The children have each been given or will get £75k so a nice lump sum at 25.

The step children don’t call him grandad but call him and see him.

Will your DSis want the grandfather of her step children to give her biological children a lump sum?
They have their own grandparents.

Giving bio relatives gifts akin to inheritance is usual.
Giving all kids similar gifts at Christmas is kind and usual.

YANBU, but your dad is VU.

He’s giving them Christmas and birthday presents.

this is more akin to inheritance early and it’d be unusual to give to non bio grandchildren (or children for that matter) unless there was a very close relationship.

Why is that?

Your sister is being ridiculous. Do the step children live with her? Or do they have a mother, and other grandparents, on their mother's side and their father's side?
What if GF gets even more step children in the future, as families and relationships change. Will he be expected to be a never empty purse?
At the end of the day, they are not his grandchildren. I hope he doesn't cave under this emotional blackmail.
I often wonder, when women fight under these conditions, if it's their relationship with their husband (keeping him happy) which is the real driver, rather than upset for the stepchildren. Is her DH upset?

Imho by not including his step-children. I think it's divisive. 'You're not part of us'. It's just not how I would act if I were in the same situation.

I have a friend who (after having children in his 20s) got divorced in his 40s and married a woman 20 years younger with 2 children. As someone else said, he cannot be a never ending well of money (and this is indeed more like early inheritance, probably advised to him by whoever manages his wealth).

How much are we talking - 5k or 100k? Could you discuss with DF and suggest he either treats all the DGC the same, or he gives the steps a smaller amount to keep the peace. I’d be happy to have a conversation with him in your shoes, and point out it’s causing upset. But not all the siblings ganging up to pressure him. Other option is for DSis to tell her steps they will get their lump sum when he dies, from her share of the estate. Ultimately it’s his money to decide while he’s alive.
ETA saw its 75k so would he give a smaller amount - 25k? And DSis could give 50k when he dies. I mean overall your family sound well off so it shouldn’t be a problem.

Where do you draw the line, though? The bio grandchildren will have been in his life for 25 years - from their birth. What about a new spouse/partner's kids? If their parents have been married for 15 years? 5 years? Been dating for 1 year before the new partner's existing child turns 25?

What if one of them had a series of short-lived relationships - or even short-term marriages - with multiple people, all of whom had children approaching 25 at the time?

So sister thinks the wealthy Grandpa should cough up another 225 to cover all the step grandchildren.

Sister is being grabby

It’s £75k, a lot. There are wider gifting implications due to inheritance tax as well.

Perhaps when her dad dies and leaves her money she can dip into that and even things up if she cares that much.

Indeed. He's one individual with a finite amount of money (and likely also retired and no longer earning). It's not like the state as a whole, whereby if you qualify for a benefit owing to your personal circumstances, you WILL receive that money regardless of how many other people also qualify.

I feel a bit mean even wondering this... but would you say they see and call him more, less or the same as always, since they heard about the possibility of getting £75K from him?!

Your sister is being very unreasonable. She is manipulative by trying to involve the wider family. Support your Dad. Any fallout and repercussions are entirely on your entitled selfish sister.

But they’ve been part of the family for years. I met my husband when my daughter was 3 1/2. His dad, who had two biological grandchildren, treated my daughter exactly the same as he treated them. As far as he was concerned, she was as much part of the family as the other two.
My dad would be the same.
It’s unkind to treat them differently.

Well he's under no obligation whatsoever to give anyone anything. All but one of my GPs were long dead by the time I turned up anyway. So I would never have any expectation for money off them.

It's his prerogative but it's also hers to feel left out. It's kind of awkward really but she must just accept it. It seems extreme to cut contact over it.

Comments like this really make me wonder about the reasoning capacity of most adults. Of course the 'other' grandparents of the stepchildren wouldn't give this man's daughter's bio children any money - they would never see those children and have no relationship? The stepchildren see their 'other' grandparents with their 'other' parent - the bio grandchildren do not go along with their stepsibling's parent's ex to visit that family, obviously. The children do not live with these 'other grandparents'' child.

Why wouldn’t the step-kids’ grand parents ever see their DGC’s step-siblings?

Would they never have a gathering at home and invite everyone?

That's a very good point. When it comes to potentially 'depriving yourself of assets' to qualify for state-funded care costs, or even just to avoid/mitigate inheritance tax, I can well see how the government could look very differently on savings plans for your biological grandchildren that you set up in middle age and have been/were in effect for 25 years, compared with handing £75K from your own savings (likely now static if you've since retired) to several unrelated people, who may not even have been in your life for very long.

I agree with your Dad. He’s doing a lovely thing and it’s now causing a fall out. Tell your sister to button it or she could cock it up for all the biological grandchildren who have yet receive their lump sum.

You can’t expect kids that aren’t yours to inherit off your parents. No way.

Blood matters - it must be a generational thing because people do all sorts of charity and generous things without any blood connection.

Do they give 75k?

Obviously it's entirely Grandad's choice how he distributes his own money; but considering the large sums involved and the fact that most people leave all/the majority of their money and assets directly to their own children in their wills, split equally... OP's sister is effectively seeking to take £75K from OP's own eventual inheritance (as he couldn't possibly only give to 2 of his step GC and not to the other) - to give to people who, if her marriage came to an acrimonious end, she may barely ever even see again.

Your sister is being unreasonable and manipulative and specifically requesting you create drama for her.

Your father is not obligated to gift money to anyone. It is his choice to do it for his grandchildren. Your sister has to respect that.

Presumably, she will inherit from him at some point. If she wants she can gift her stepchildren the money then.

I get why your sisters unhappy but if she looks at it from your dad’s point of view , are any of the other grandparents on her step children’s side going to give his grandchildren money ?
I have a blended family with a biological granddaughter, I buy Christmas and birthday presents for the other 2 girls but they have 2 other sets of grandparents who have never bought gifts for my granddaughter so my biological granddaughter gets one lot of grandparents gifts whereas the other girls get 3 .
I will continue to buy the other 2 girls gifts but anything like cash lump sums and will legacies will go to my biological granddaughter unless there is something small and personal that the other girls loved .