Is my dad being unreasonable?

[AnimalChaos]

My dad gives all his grandchildren a lump sum on their 25th birthday. The grandchildren are all in their twenties so have either received it already or will receive it very soon.

My sister has 2 children who have both received it. She also has 2 step children, one has just turned 25 and one is 23. She has been their step mum since they were 10 and 8.

My dad did not give her stepchild child the lump sum for his 25th birthday and my sister has fallen out with him over it. She thinks he is unreasonable for not giving her step children the same. My dad’s reasoning is that he wants his money to go to his biological grandchildren.

Would you say my dad being unreasonable? My sister wants me, our brother and all of our children to tell our dad he should give her stepchildren the same lump sum. I’ve said I sympathise but we can’t tell him how to spend his money and it’s a shame to fall out over it.

My brother has 2 children and a stepchild who is 22. He has said it’s up to our dad what he does with his money. He’s been his step dad since he was 13.

I have 2 children and no step children.

I think it would be different if the step-children had no other parent and grandparents and had been adopted by your sister. In that circumstance, they become full family rather than step/blended and your father would be more on the hook to treat them all equally. It would still be his decision ofc, but sister can't pretend they are fully equal grandchildren to her own in this circumstance imo. In any case, she can't dictate your father's decisions nor what you and siblings do. If she wants to give her SC money, that should come from her own funds.

Ultimately his money. However it depends on the situation as to why he would do this. Id there's money coming from the bio GPs. Also whether he Regards them as his grandchildren, if they call him grandad etc, how close they are etc. But no he's not being unreasonable.

He’s not being unreasonable. Even if he was, it’s his money and he can do with it what he likes.

MN has had quite a few threads involving people having an opinion on who should get what share of inheritance/trust money. It’s actually quite nasty and entitled.

If I had lots of money and an inkling that people were bitching about who got what. I would make a point of giving it to none of them

Blended families are hard, but presumably they have their own grandparents so your dad is not unreasonable.

Yes, he is being unreasonable. Unless he wants to divide his family forever.

It’s a shame for the step siblings and understand why this would be upsetting but for your dad, his grandchildren are his grandchildren. If you split with the father of your kids, they are still your dad’s biological grandchildren, and he would still have a relationship with them for life. If your sister split with her husband then chances are her stepchildren would move on and no longer have a relationship with your father. Increasingly difficult with so many blended families now but ultimately it is his decision what he does with his money.

Sister can pass on her money however she likes and the stepchildren will possibly inherit from their mother’s side too.

Lol! You're the poster that told OP that her post was outing and that she was unreasonable to post on here. No wonder she hasn't been back.

If I had it to spare, as the granddad, I would give it to the stepchildren. But if i had budgeted for the gc I had, and didn’t have more, I wouldn’t, and I’d tell my dc id budgeted for this many gc, and ask them what they wanted me to give up- quit my weekly 2 pints at the pub for a year? Do the dc want to go to all the older gc and ask for 1/4 of it back to reapportion? (or whatever the percentage needed back would be) and I’d say you can go have that conversation between you and the gc parents. Basically get a grip how am I supposed to magic up this money you entitled twats.

How is this outing? There are quite a lot of people who post on Mumsnet.

And you've posted this less than 2 hours since the OP, maybe she had to go to work.

The step children also have 2 sets of grandparents from their father and biological mother. Should these grandparents also gift to her biological children? Should they be recognised in his will as well as other grandparents? That's then not fair to the biological grandchildren. I think it has to stop somewhere. I think gifts for Christmas, joining in family events, etc is expected but not larger amounts of money. Your dad's decision. Your sister can give a gift of money instead.

Grandad is not being unreasonable. These are substantial sums of money, and they are not his grandchildren. Do they see him as their grandparent, eg contact him independently, send him birthday cards and so on?

Is DSis asking her two 25+ to return their cash to be redistributed? If not then she is being very greedy.

If grandad has £120,000 = £20k for each of 6 kids. 2 have already had theirs so pot is now £100,000. Divding by the 9 originally would mean £15k each... but now dividing the remaining by 7 including steps means £14,000 per kid, and if DSis is demanding her 4 are treated the same as her older 2, so they take £80,000 of the pot leaving £40,000 between the other 5... hopefully even she can see this would be very unfair?

Unfortunately whether she likes it or not grandad has made his decision and without detonating the family your DSis is going to have to accept it. I do t think you or your brother should get involved.

Your sister is being unreasonable. Grandpa can do as he wishes and the step children presumably have their own grandparents.

if your sister is that fussed then she can give the step children money from her own savings.

Comments like this really make me wonder about the reasoning capacity of most adults. Of course the 'other' grandparents of the stepchildren wouldn't give this man's daughter's bio children any money - they would never see those children and have no relationship? The stepchildren see their 'other' grandparents with their 'other' parent - the bio grandchildren do not go along with their stepsibling's parent's ex to visit that family, obviously. The children do not live with these 'other grandparents'' child.
However here, we are talking about a grandfather who DOES see these stepchildren. They live with his daughter. They attend family events together.

This has nothing to do with whether or not the man should gift them money but the comparison to the stepchildren's other grandparents gifting money to the woman's actual children is nonsensical.

Your sister should be ashamed of herself for treating her own Dad this way especially after his generosity towards her biological children. I'll never understand why grandparents should be expected to give a shit about some random kid just because their own adult children have married a parent. It shouldn't be forced onto them.

Thanks all. I can see both sides.

They have grandparents on their dad’s side, no GPs on their mums side. I’m not sure whether they will get any financial help from their own grandparents.

My dad has always had a nice relationship with the step children but I don’t think he feels the same bond with them as he does with the other children. He was very involved when all of our children were young before the step children came along so I think that made a difference. The step children were with their mum 50% of the time when growing up so my dad saw less of them than the other children. He has always bought the step children gifts for birthdays and Christmas and this lump sum has been the first time there has been a noticeable difference.

I think your dad can distribute his money as he wishes. I might think differently if the SC had been treated 100% like GC from very young, your sister was basically their mum (mum passed or not around) etc etc. Do SC see your dad as their grandfather at all?

i think some of it also depends on how much money we are talking about and how much your dad has. Would sister and her Dh be able to gift the same to SC themselves for example to “even things up”.

But generally speaking I think your sister should let your dad do as he sees fit. I have DS who is treated nicely by his step grandparents and somewhat similarly to his sister (who is GC) eg a gift at Christmas but I’d never expect him to be offered any sums of money. He has his own GP for that (although his GP on his dad’s side didn’t have anything to leave so it’s not a case of him getting double or anything).

I have a dsd and have been in her life a significant amount of time, i also have my own dc. My parents and siblings do not count her as family. Their fond of her but shes never lived with us, or been involved in their lives. She doesn't count my children as her step siblings. Her dc dont call me nan or anything and ive been in their lives since day 1.
My ds had 2 dsd and was in their lives constantly, when her exh dumped her she lost those kids and we lost the relationship we had.
Theirs no right or wrong answer, in my opinion if they'd been in his life like the other Grandkids and called him gramps or whatever and visited him independently he could of given them something.

Your sister is being, grabby, ridiculous and very cruel to put your Dad in that position. What if she breaks up with current partner and acquires some more step children? Do they get 25 grand of Dad's money too?

Presumably the step kids have their own grandparents

I'm a step. 66 now.
I think your father is correct.

My brother has step kids and I would not expect them to be any part of our parents will as they have their own parents to provide for them, if my brother chooses to contribute to them then fine but our parents wouldn’t expect us to have to share our inheritance with someone else’s kids when their plan was to split it between us.
I agree with the dad he doesn’t owe anyone anything and to fall out with him for not handing his own money over to someone else’s kids and then asking his family to put pressure on him is abuse.

My dad is in the same position to the step children as the grandparents on the dads side are to my sister bio children. I suppose I could ask my sister if she would expect her husbands parents to give equal to her children as they do to their own grandchildren. Maybe she does though.

I think the analogy of a partner is a good one. My parents love my husband but they are only related to him in a legal sense, as with step-grandchildren. He's only down to receive my dad's watch in their wills. Only if I am dead does he get my share of their estate. But they buy him birthday and Christmas presents!

Abuse indeed. You need to have your poor Dad's back on this OP if it was me I'd be telling my sister to get to fuck