Is my dad being unreasonable?

[AnimalChaos]

My dad gives all his grandchildren a lump sum on their 25th birthday. The grandchildren are all in their twenties so have either received it already or will receive it very soon.

My sister has 2 children who have both received it. She also has 2 step children, one has just turned 25 and one is 23. She has been their step mum since they were 10 and 8.

My dad did not give her stepchild child the lump sum for his 25th birthday and my sister has fallen out with him over it. She thinks he is unreasonable for not giving her step children the same. My dad’s reasoning is that he wants his money to go to his biological grandchildren.

Would you say my dad being unreasonable? My sister wants me, our brother and all of our children to tell our dad he should give her stepchildren the same lump sum. I’ve said I sympathise but we can’t tell him how to spend his money and it’s a shame to fall out over it.

My brother has 2 children and a stepchild who is 22. He has said it’s up to our dad what he does with his money. He’s been his step dad since he was 13.

I have 2 children and no step children.

This is very like the recent post where someone was leaving money to bio grandkids only in their will and the siblings with step kids tried to recruit their siblings to change their mind. Same answer: keep out of it.

Actually, thinking about it - same. My youngest sibling was much adored only grandchild of wealthy adoring grandparents and we got token gifts and they got their hearts desire at Christmas. Never even occurred to me it was unfair. My first car cost £50 and theirs was 3 years old and shiny. Again, was just the way things were.

Your sister is being unreasonable.
you can’t tell anyone what to do with their money. If she doesn’t like it she should gift the same to her step children or ask her own children to split what they got from their grandfather to give some to the step children. I think we can guess what their reply will be.

Do the step grandparents all treat all the children the same? As in what they do for their biological grandchildren they do for the steps? In your sisters case, are the step grandparents going to split their money among all the children or just their own?

it’s your dads money to do with as he sees fit.

The step children are not his grandchildren.

I'm a step child. I would never have expected anything from my step grandparents. I have received a lot from my step dad (although maybe 1/10th what his biological children received) and consider myself very fortunate to have done so.

It's only upsetting for the step children if they were expecting anything, which they shouldn't have been.

If I had received stuff from my step grandparents as well as from my grandparents I would have received much more than my step siblings whose grandparents they actually were...unless you think my grandparents should have also left something to my step siblings (which ones? I have several through both my parents).

Blended families get complicated really fast. The right thing is to have no expectations. Then you don't get disappointed.

When my fil did this, he planned it from when each of them were born. Every new grandchild, he opened an account and set up a regular deposit to save.

Any step children would not have been budgeted for.

I think families are all very different. In ours, there is no way my Dad would differentiate between grandchildren biologically related to him and those that are not - they are all his grandchildren and he treats them the same.

Does he even have enough money for this?

I don’t think your grandfather is wrong . The alternative would have just been to split the sum three ways between his children and allow them to split it as they choose. She is being greedy !

It’s hurtful behaviour for sure. I’d be deeply upset if this were me. But you can’t make him. It simply reveals how he feels about the children that have been in his life for 10+ years which is so sad.

Presumably the step-grandchildren have, or had, two other sets of grandparents from whom they might possibly inherit, so it seems unfair to give them three sets while children like your own only have two.

I understand why your father doesn’t want to give his money to people who are not his biological relations. It might be different if the step-grandchildren had been in the family since they were babies or toddlers, but that isn’t the case here. You are right to stay out of it.

His money, his choice.

We have step grandchildren and they receive EXACTLY what our biological grandchildren receive. Our money, our choice.

Presumably the stepchildren have grandparents of their own? I never expected anything from my stepmum’s family.

Have they their own dgps?

I think blended families only work (or quite often not work) for the immediate family being blended - you can’t force the “blend” on extended relations.
It’s fine for your sister and her husband to treat their collective children the same within their household, but they cannot control how others feel or distinguish between the children, especially when it comes to monetary gifts and inheritance.
Children aren’t stupid, they know who they are related to and it is more often an affronted adult than an upset child when things like this occur.

My money my rules. My will is made out of equal shares to my kids,only. S/c and their kids. have their own parents who they may /may not inherit from.
But that's not my concern and I'm not bothered if others disagree.

I assume your parents see your partners as family - but that doesn’t mean they’re going to give them as much inheritance as they give you.
They might want to give you sentimental jewellery etc but they’re not going to be expected to do the same to all of your partners are they.

That would be my explanation to the sibling.

I am very fond of my sons in law. They've been in my life for as long as the step children have been in the grandfather's life and we have a good relationship.
But however much I care for them, they're not my children. There isn't the visceral emotional link, or the responsibility that I feel for my children.

I don't have step -GCs but I imagine that is feel the same. Hopefully I'd be very fond of them and kind to them. But I can't imagine that I'd feel the responsibility and deep, fundamental love that I have for my DGDs. And it's the responsibility that the GP in the OP is recognising through his financial gifts.

Your sister is being unfair. I'd refuse her request to talk to him, and give the above reason. Plus of course, that you don't get to tell him how to spend his money.

I would have been deeply hurt if my beloved step grandparents had given their biological. Granddaughter a significant amount and not to me. They also had 2 adoptive grandchildren would they have got something?

Thankfully it was not an issue as they viewed all 6 of us (3 step 2 adopted and 1 biological) as their grandchildren.

I havent voted as while I think. Your dad can do as he wishes with his money. I understand why your sister is hurt but I would also want to know how close he is with the step grandparents. For example my dad was married to a woman with other children where is parents saw them perhaps 4 times in the 8 years they were alive.. in the case of my step grandparents I sww them frequently and actually more frequent than their biological and adopted grandchildren did as they lived further afield. My yongest is named after my bonus grandad he was the most amazing man.

Your dad has the right to do as he wants but if this is children he is close to that has to hurt

On the other hand, your step children do have two sets of grandparents and actually would be advantaged if they receive inheritance from your parents too

I would have been deeply hurt if my beloved step grandparents had given their biological. Granddaughter a significant amount and not to me. They also had 2 adoptive grandchildren would they have got something?

Thankfully it was not an issue as they viewed all 6 of us (3 step 2 adopted and 1 biological) as their grandchildren.

I havent voted as while I think. Your dad can do as he wishes with his money. I understand why your sister is hurt but I would also want to know how close he is with the step grandparents. For example my dad was married to a woman with other children where is parents saw them perhaps 4 times in the 8 years they were alive.. in the case of my step grandparents I sww them frequently and actually more frequent than their biological and adopted grandchildren did as they lived further afield. My yongest is named after my bonus grandad he was the most amazing man.

Your dad has the right to do as he wants but if this is children he is close to that has to hurt.

Another happy families scenario where people form new families and expect everyone to play along.

These children are not related to your dad. They will have another set of grandparents somewhere to give them attention/money/time. Your sister has formed her "happy blended family" by marrying a man who had children already, that is her decision and she does not have the right to dictate how other people feel about that and perceive her stepchildren. There is nothing in the OP's post to say that there has been anything mean or nasty towards these people (who are no longer children) previously.

They are not your dad's grandchildren. End of story.

It is surely up to your Dad. Any step children still have two sets of direct grandparents of their own.
Maybe he sees it as treating his own children equally as all three of you each have two children of your own.
Adding all the step children is three more lump sums to find and perhaps he has not budgeted for this - although it seems more likely he does not see the need to gift money to children he is not biologically related to - which is completely up to him.
I wouldn’t get involved in your sister’s fury OP - sounds like your brother is being more pragmatic about it. Maybe your sister made assumptions and has lost face with her DH and the step children- she should have discussed it with your Dad before the birthday.

I think it depends on the relationship of the step kids and grandparents. Do they spend as much time together as the biological kids? How have Christmas and birthday been treated?

I sensed this Op wouldn’t be back