Is my dad being unreasonable?

[AnimalChaos]

My dad gives all his grandchildren a lump sum on their 25th birthday. The grandchildren are all in their twenties so have either received it already or will receive it very soon.

My sister has 2 children who have both received it. She also has 2 step children, one has just turned 25 and one is 23. She has been their step mum since they were 10 and 8.

My dad did not give her stepchild child the lump sum for his 25th birthday and my sister has fallen out with him over it. She thinks he is unreasonable for not giving her step children the same. My dad’s reasoning is that he wants his money to go to his biological grandchildren.

Would you say my dad being unreasonable? My sister wants me, our brother and all of our children to tell our dad he should give her stepchildren the same lump sum. I’ve said I sympathise but we can’t tell him how to spend his money and it’s a shame to fall out over it.

My brother has 2 children and a stepchild who is 22. He has said it’s up to our dad what he does with his money. He’s been his step dad since he was 13.

I have 2 children and no step children.

I'd rather be called unkind than give out £150k I didn't want to give.

I’d be staying well out of it and respecting your fathers choices…but I’d be tempted to suggest to Sister/wider family that the step children could receive the 75k gift but that it would be noted in the will that this money would be funded/deducted from their share of the will. Eg. If sister has two step children, 150k will be paid but sister will inherit 150k less when the time comes. That might make sister think twice if the money is coming from her pocket.

I was a stepchild and while I was treated nicely I always knew they were not my grandparents so I don't get this "now they will know they are now actually treated as grandchildren", neither do I get this trend of expecting step children to be treated exactly the same as grandchildren, it's just not practical or realistic especially now the step child will have 4 biological grandparents and maybe 2 step grandparents, there is absolutely no way you can make all of them do the same thing for the kids.

Trust me stepchildren know who their biological parents/grandparents are v step parents and step grandparents and we should be setting the right expectations not this false unrealistic expectation because we never want to upset anyone.

And this expectation of equality makes no sense unless OP is also going to insist that her stepchildren's other grandparents must include her other kids equally in everything which we know will never happen.

There are also a lot of threads on mumsnet where partners are not expected to discipline or parent stepchildren, only by there when needed but stay away and don't be involved and the reason is "you are NOT their parent" yet when it's time for money we also demand equal share of any inheritance or gifts.

The sister who has fallen out with her father, does she think her husband will fall out with his own parents if they don't split their inheritance equally???

I disagree, OP's sister getting into a blended relationship isn't a reason for him to stop supporting his biological grandchildren. If OP's sister splits with her husband today the grandfather will probably never see the stepkids again because they are not his biological grandchildren.

This division is caused by OP's sisters unrealistic and ridiculous expectations that he must give equal share to her stepchildren. Is she also making the same demands of equality to her step grandchildren's biological grandparents???

It's his money and no one should try to tell him what to do with it or who to gift it too. Your Dad probably thinks he's gifting his Grandchildren a deposit. It would be nice if step children were included but they might get money from their own biological family.

I think that granddad now wishes he’d bought a lovely boat with this sum of hundreds of thousands kindly gifted to give his family a start in life. Imagine being so entitled that you demand an extra £150k because you married someone with two kids. The mind boggles.

If granddad died intestate and his kids had all died, only his grandchildren would inherit.

£75k? Even more of a reason for him not to give them the cash. He is not their grandad and they are not his grandchildren. Let’s say your sister and her husband eventually split - will the stepchildren still call and see your dad? Probably not.

So , has your sister adopted tbe step children, are they legally hers?If not, how does she expect others to see them that way?

Part of me thinks he should treat all grandchildren, step and otherwise, equally, but I can also see why he only wants to bestow the gift on his bio grandchildren. He has to draw the line somewhere. The stepchildren presumably have another set of grandparents, maybe two, from whom they may inherit.

I never expected anything from my step grandparents

I'm on the fence here so I'm not going to vote. Although I do think that step-grandchildren should be treated fairly by their extended step family when it comes to birthday and Christmas presents and not excluded from things like weddings etc, £75k is an awful lot of money. Perhaps a smaller token sum might be more appropriate, maybe something like £5k - £10k. That would be far better than being left out entirely.

Does he have another 150/225k?

I honestly don’t think there is any right or wrong here. But the fact is it is his money, and he does not want to give it to the stepchildren and he is quite rightly within his rights and he is not being unkind. Your sister is allowed to feel upset by it but that’s her problem. She is just going to have to get used to it and stop being so grabby with somebody else’s money.

Your dad isn’t wrong to spend his money now he wants and your sister isn’t wrong to feel hurt on behalf of her stepchildren. It’s a shame they’ve fallen out over it but it’s very much between them and nothing to do with anyone else.

These are adults in their 20s not little kids receiving £20 each to spend on a family holiday.

She may see them as HER family and that’s fine, he doesn’t feel the same and that’s fine.
She married into those children’s lives, he didn’t.
Blended families are common but she is not those children’s mother and if they parted ways and he remarried then they will have a different step mum.

I can kind of see both sides but I'm more on your dfs side. At the end of the day, your sister chose to have a blended family and take on her step kids as her family. Your df did not. Its nice that he has a good relationship with them but if he wants to keep the money for bio family that's ok too imo. It's his money to do as he wishes

The step children will have their own two sets of biological grandparents. What if they were given a lumpsum from the maternal grandparents and your sisters child didn’t receive anything because presumably the maternal grandparents don’t really know DS biological child at all and then your dad also gave. You could have the position then where your biological niece or nephew ends up being worse off than his step siblings.

I don't think your dad is being unreasonable.

You are talking about 25 year old adults. If OP's sister splits from her H there is nothing to stop them keeping in touch with OP's father. Especially if he has given them a gift that shows he actually cares about them.

After seeing the amount of money involved I have slightly more sympathy for the sister because it must feel difficult to have two children in the nuclear family be given such a significant leg up in life while the other two receive nothing, but this is what happens when creating step families.

The sister and her husband need to recognise and accept that situations like this are a direct consequence of the choices they made. It is not up to other people to pretend that family ties exist where they do not.

When parents choose to make step families for their own benefit they need to deal with the fact that their choices may have detrimental effects on their children and that it is up to them to mitigate against any disparities between the children. While wider family members should be kind and inclusive to children, it is not their responsibility to pretend that other peoples grandchildren are theirs.

I think the dad should be very careful, he is an old man being bullied by his daughter to part with his money when he isn’t willing to and now she’s asking you and your brother to gang up on him and pressure him to cough up.
This is very concerning and I hope he stays strong and isn’t coerced into handing over his savings.
You should be helping your dad to protect his finances from his grabby daughter not helping her to rob him of money he doesn’t want to gift.

I wouldn't do as your DSis asks whether your DF is unreasonable or not. I hate this way of trying to make someone comply, it's like school yard bullying, getting everyone to say I won't be your friend unless you do as I say.

This.
They have their own grandparents.

I think if they were adopted children or donor IVF then your Dad would be unreasonable not to treat them exactly like biological ones, but step-children are not quite the same as they still have their full biological family to inherit from.

I totally agree with your Dad.

It sounds like your sister and her husband just assumed the step children would be given the same amount of money without actually asking. If they want them to receive equal money they need to save it up themselves.

I think the fact that they don’t even call him grandad answers the question. He’s expected to treat them like his own grandkids when they don’t even see him as their grandad?