Is my dad being unreasonable?

[AnimalChaos]

My dad gives all his grandchildren a lump sum on their 25th birthday. The grandchildren are all in their twenties so have either received it already or will receive it very soon.

My sister has 2 children who have both received it. She also has 2 step children, one has just turned 25 and one is 23. She has been their step mum since they were 10 and 8.

My dad did not give her stepchild child the lump sum for his 25th birthday and my sister has fallen out with him over it. She thinks he is unreasonable for not giving her step children the same. My dad’s reasoning is that he wants his money to go to his biological grandchildren.

Would you say my dad being unreasonable? My sister wants me, our brother and all of our children to tell our dad he should give her stepchildren the same lump sum. I’ve said I sympathise but we can’t tell him how to spend his money and it’s a shame to fall out over it.

My brother has 2 children and a stepchild who is 22. He has said it’s up to our dad what he does with his money. He’s been his step dad since he was 13.

I have 2 children and no step children.

Im with your dad on this one too

Agree it's a different era sadly.

Unfortunately I don't think he is likely to change his mind.
X

Good point.

Thanks everyone. I had a quick chat about it with my dad today and he is feeling very hurt that my sister has fallen out with him over this. He didn’t want to talk about it other than to say he isn’t going to change his mind. I told him I agreed that he shouldn’t be pushed into anything and hopefully she’ll calm down and make up with him. We had a nice few hours together so he’s seems ok. I’m seeing my sister tomorrow and will stick to saying that it’s up to our dad how he spends his money and although it’s ok she is disappointed, trying to make him change his mind or falling out with him over this is wrong.

My approach to sister would be a little stronger but it's your call.
She is very entitled and needs to recognise the damage she has done to all relationships in the family. Your Dad deserves better and his choices need to be respected.

In our family the step are treat the exact same so when we all were given driving lesson money then pick of a car from grandparents all children step and bio got the exact same at 18...now we all drive thanks to them...in our family they've been in our family since young and aren't treat any different by anybody because love doesn't do that to those you've known for years

It sounds like you are doing the right thing to be honest, you can see both points of view but are remaining neutral, I'm glad you spoke to your dad, that's all you can do in this situation, so at least your sister will know you haven't just ignored it.

I can understand where the hurt is coming from with your sister though, while your dad giving his bio grandchildren a massive cash boost is an amazing opportunity for them, your sister is going to have to deal with the disparity that is now going to be caused by that, if they have always treated their combined children equally, and they've been a part of his family for 15 years this will be hard to deal with and may have a knock on effect for years to come, probably affecting the siblings relationships, maybe even her and her husbands too, it's about way more than the money IMO.

It's up to her whether she can forgive her dad for causing that issue, it's really not your place to tell her it's right or wrong for her to feel that way, so I'd make empathetic noises and just stay right out of passing comment on it if I was you.

I think it’s horrible that your sister is being so selfish as to try and make him fork out more because her partner happens to have his own kids.

Do stepchildren really expect inheritance type gifts on an equal level to bio or adopted kids? I’m surprised if if had occurred to them that they would get anything

Depends whether you would stay in touch with them if the relationship that made them step children broke up.

What does happen if people marry a couple of times and have more than one set of step children ? Do the relatives keep forking out and updating their wills? I always wonder that with families that are so keen to treat step children the same way as the others

"My sister wants me, our brother and all of our children to tell our dad he should give her stepchildren the same lump sum."
This is where your sister crossed a line.

It's OK that your sister is upset. It is not OK that she try to turn everyone else into her flying monkeys. I'd be telling her to back off, and to never tell me what to do ever again.

Depends whether you would stay in touch with them if the relationship that made them step children broke up.

Why would it matter? Do you never buy anything nice for your husband in case you break up one day? Never pay to take any of your kids friends on holiday with you? Never give to charity in case it closes down some day? IMO it's unfair to assess your family in terms of what might happen in the future rather that what is literally in front of you and has been for many many years, especially when it comes to children who have no say in the matter.

If they are part of your family and you want to give them a head start with something, like the PP mentioned driving lessons and a car (lovely idea by the way, love that you were all treated the same), why would it matter if they go on to leave the family some day, you haven't wasted that money, you have done a nice thing with it, and made all your grandchildren / step-grandchildren / adopted grandchildren feel like they are all valued the same in your eyes while they are part of your family, it really is a fair way to do things IMO.

BTW the only person here talking about wills is you, wills can be done specifically to reflect changes in future circumstances, so is irrelevant, we're talking about people gifting money in the present.

Totally agree.

Actually I do assess everything in life in terms of the future . But then I’m a logical person who is ND so it is what it is.

OP isn’t talking about a few quid for a gift though. I am surprised anyone is expecting him to give away such a huge sum of money to step grandchildren.

Fair enough I guess if he volunteered it but to put pressure on him is grabby and greedy. If they have their own grandparents, will they be expected to hand out cash to the OP’s family?

I think the driving thing is nice in theory but I would have felt really pressured as everyone was expected to do it.

And I wonder at people who welcome stepchildren and stepparents, or even in-laws as family, until wait… except for this, that, and the other thing. “You matter a little bit today, but not at all tomorrow.” Talk about “splitting heirs”. “I’m sorry you didn’t pass the blood test. Yes, you’ve been a part of our lives for many years, you simply have the wrong DNA. Sucks to be you, I guess. No hard feelings.”

Who are also now members of HER family.

And who the grandfather didn’t factor into his generous plans.

So presumably if the OP’s sister’s step kids have their own grandparents, those grandparents also would be expected to treat all the kids in the OP’s sister’s family the same (and presumably the OP’s family by extension as they would be ‘cousins’)

Im just trying to establish how far it goes in that situation.

That sounds about right. Maybe those grandparents have a lot of money to share as well. Or, not. At the very least, I hope they are more emotionally generous people, unlike OP’s father. It IS his money, of course, to do with as he pleases. Including treating his daughter’s blended family like unwelcome, merely temporary, interlopers.

I would ask your sister if her step childrens biological grandparents would do the same ie give her children something they are giving thier grandchildren. Bet the answer is no

Sadly it really does end up like that many times. With a divorce you never see the non-biological family members ever again.
Even biological after my first husband passed away, his sisters didn't want to know their niece and nephew. they just completely blanked us

Me too.

It's certainly a lovely gesture on the part of your grandparents to treat all the step children to the same value gifts of driving lessons and car each where they were given willingly and were affordable to the gifters..

In the facts of this case we have a grandfather who is being coerced by one of his daughters into gifting more than he wishes to.. .

Families are all different. In my family grandparents didn't treated all their blood grandchildren the same, ( no step grandchildren) because their circumstances changed and they were unable to be as generous to the other grandchildren than they were to the first. I know other people where that happened as well. Sometimes it's just the luck of the draw at the time.

Yes, this is very pertinent. You could marry somebody with 4 kids in their early 20s and then assume they 'qualify' for £300K of your DF's money; then you split up with them, never see them again, and marry another person who also has 4 kids in their early 20s, so that costs him another £300K...

It's easy to plan for your own bio GC, because you get 25 years' notice of their 25th birthday... and, if your child(ren) is clearly wanting a big family, they will likely have completed it, and so you know how many there will be in total, before the oldest is 25.

Moreover I highly doubt OP's sister would accept it the other way around. She believes that she can marry somebody with kids and automatically assumes that all of his kids get the £75K, without her DF having any say in whom he has to give his money to; but if she subsequently wanted to break up with him, I can't imagine she'd welcome his input in demanding that she must stay with him, on the basis that they're his grandchildren, to whom he's already given an enormous amount of money because of them being so.

And what would happen if she split up with him and then subsequently got married again to another man with young adult kids? Would she personally chase her ex-step children to give their money back (or take out a loan if they'd already spent it), as they're 'no longer her DF's GC', so she could transfer it to her new DH's kids; or would Grandad be expected to just write the previous sum off and stump up again? Also what if she married somebody with an adult child(ren) already aged over 25 - would Grandad be expected to pay them retrospectively, or did they just miss out? What if they'd been 24 & 26 when the marriage took place? Would one 'qualify' but it's tough cheese for the other?

£150k is a lot of money to gift. Its your dads money and upto him how he wants to spend it. Your sister could gift the money from her own savings to even things out if she wanted. If she doesnt have the money, then its tough. Its not up for debate.

I completely understand why shes asking but dad wants to give it to biological Grand children only. Its not her call to make.

I would have said she could ask dad to gift it from her share of her inheritance but whose to say dad is going to leave anything for her in the future. I suspect (and this is a possibility) shes wanting the step children to have a share so that there is less financial burden on her in the future to provide for the kids. Ie deposit for a house so they dont have to live with her.

Eitherway, i dont think dad is being unfair. Hes been very generous. £150k/6 bio grandkids would mean an extra £25k each, so he could gift them all £100k each.

TBH it's not really OK that she's disappointed. It's a massive and somewhat ridiculous expectation.

She needs to work hard not to project this onto her children. It could cause some lasting damage to family relationships if she doesn't get over it or at least keep her feelings to herself.