AIBU to think some marriages fail because people want more from life?

[AmItheoddone]

So, I've name changed for this. Going through some big issues in my marriage at the moment. Love my husband very much but we met when we were 18 and we're now both in our 40s. Have kids and should have a great life if you read the paper but we are not happy. Both bored and feeling like we've missed out on some part of our life. Mentioned my problems to some people and its always assumed he has someone else. I know he doesn't but is struggling. So my question is AIBU to think that some times marriages don't fail because people fall out of love or have affairs but people just want more from life?

Agree. I think the solution varies from situation to situation; many marriages are "good enough" for people to stay in and leaving isn't worth the candle, but many really are not and I don't believe in "toughing it out" just for the sake of it if you're bored or miserable.

Overall though I think marriage is (legally and financially) often using a sledgehammer to crack a nut. It's important to have some stability when the children are being raised, and it shouldn't be easy to do a midnight flit at that point. But I do think legally there could be some levers which make it easier for people to adjust things in mid-life so they don't face this huge financial burden.

I'm amazed the number of people who seem to have married on the back of sexual attraction only. I always thought marriage was about finding a deep friendship and connection as well as great sex. Very surprised anybody would tie the knot without being sure of this. I'm not being smug; I know friendships can break down and good friends can realise they have unhealthy dynamics but I'd have been terrified to commit to someone without feeling a connection beyond the sex. My whole sense of stability from the relationship is founded on the friendship and deeper levels of connection I felt and continue to feel.

@Idontpostmuch

So good to read such a positive post on such a dreary thread.

Why is it dreary though? I don't think it's dreary to admit that not all marriages need to be forever. I think it's quite liberating to know you're not trapped forever. Obviously marriages ebb and flow and many come back from the brink, and obviously people should try to make them work if they can.

But I don't believe that prolonging a miserable marriage should take priority over the personal happiness of the two individuals in the marriage.

I'm not married, but in 27 year LTR. I met my DP in my late twenties, having had disappointing relationships previously. He was never my best friend or someone with whom I had a deep connection, but he was a nice guy and I really fancied him. Of course I wish my partner was a great, close friend who understood me on a deeper level but where would I meet that person? Years of dating never took me anywhere near that specification. I was nearing thirty and hoping to have a family one day - so I went for the best available option. I'm lucky in that DP is great around the house, is a fantastic dad etc and a thoroughly decent person. Others have been less lucky. But I can't rekindle a spark that never existed, or rebuild bonds that we never had. We're co workers now, not really anything more.

That's as may be but, on a thread that, by its very nature, attracts posters with less positive experiences, there's a tendency to start thinking marriages are doomed to become pale shadows of what they promised. It's refreshing to come across the opposite.

@Frillysweetpea

I'm amazed the number of people who seem to have married on the back of sexual attraction only. I always thought marriage was about finding a deep friendship and connection as well as great sex. Very surprised anybody would tie the knot without being sure of this. I'm not being smug; I know friendships can break down and good friends can realise they have unhealthy dynamics but I'd have been terrified to commit to someone without feeling a connection beyond the sex.

Come off it... most people in their late teens/early 20s don't have the cognitive or emotional tools to know what they want to do in six weeks' time, let alone visualise what they will want from life in their 50s or 60s. They are driven to a large extent by their hormones and to a lesser extent by pressure from society (including parents and peers) as to what they should be doing. Including, for many women, having babies as soon as possible because they've found someone and are "in love".

Some will think about things like long-term compatibility but a lot of young people are impulsive, selfish and short-termist. I don't want to sound overly cynical but if I think of what drove me and my friends when I was 20 it wasn't financial stability or compatibility of intellect or finding someone reliable. Maybe we were outliers but I just don't think people that young know themselves that well.

Also things change. You might really want to focus on having babies at 24 but find at 44 that you want to restart your career. You might go off sex and want a marriage which is primarily about similar intellect. You might want more sex and want an open relationship. You might want to travel and find your spouse is an agorophobic homebody. A lot of these things are simply impossible to predict when you're 18, 24. They're not failsafe to predict at 30, but you will have enough life experience to know what you don't want, and hopefully have a bit of financial stability behind you.

I suppose since I'm older now I see more of the reality than what I wished it would have been

It seems that men is mostly about physical attraction to them and many of them see us as interchangeable if they are attracted to us and they like the services we provide that's it. Older couples the man will say I knew the first time I saw her she was the one

I was very attracted to my first husband but not so much my second husband even though my second husband used to be my best friend

You have made a deliberate and conscious choice to settle so that you have some of what you wanted. That's fair enough although I think under 30 is young to settle. In your shoes, I wouldn't have married either because your relationship isn't what I see as the full package. You'll never know whether you missed out on something better. I agree it's hard to find. I waited until I was over 40 because I didn't want to settle.

oh yes I've don't know why I read most! Apologies! My parents had an arranged marriage 50+ years ago. My parents generation of family is divided into arranged and non arranged marriages. Weirdly, my dad's 2 sisters both rebelled and married after falling in love. One was a disaster and the other one was long and happy. My dad and his brother had arranged marriages. Again together until death. I would say my parents were mismatched and largely unhappy but my uncle was happy but who knows really what goes on. My generation had one arranged and the rest of us not arranged. A mix really of divorces and unhappy and plodding along with the one arranged still going and seemingly happy, so who knows? From what I know of modern ' arranged' marriages is that they are introductions and then the couple has a choice. Obviously in some communities there is coercion, honour based violence, cousin marriage etc and that needs to be really shut down with absolutely no ' cultural sensitivities' taken into account. But that's on a tangent really. I think you end up in the same place because the person you marry is rarely the person you end up with 20 years later in both cases. You don't know how they will change, what influences they will pick up, what they will be like as co parents, health issues etc.

Thanks for sharing this. Very interesting.

From a young age I always questioned marriage from a political perspective as well as a personal one. It seemed natural to me to do so and, on reflection, that was really advantageous!

@Frillysweetpea im not dripfeeding. Of course there are other factors at play. I didnt wake up one morning and decide that I wanted out of my marriage. Im also not really asking for advice more asking do marriages fail because people want more.

As some of the newer posters alluded to what 20 year old gives too much thought to what life will be like in 20 years time. I certainly didn't. I was having great sex with my then boyfriend and all of a sudden we were married. I dont think either of us gave huge thought to what would happen 2, 3, 5 or 15 years down the road. I definitely know that I was lead by conformity and that wasn't really in my nature. But my parents had a part to play in that. I know I cant change the past and have to figure out what we can do to move forward. If thats separately thats okay. I wouldnt be okay with ending my marriage of I was happy. Neither would my husband.

For the record if one of my kids came home at 25 and told me they were getting married I wouldn't be overly happy about it.

Isn't this an argument for settling with a great friend with whom you have a deep connection, even if you meet young? It might be the only time it happens for you. Sometimes it never happens for people. Reading a lot of stuff on this thread gives the impression that many people think you should wait in case something better comes along and that settling too early will lead to 'what if?' type of regrets. I met my one and only at 17, married at 23, have now been married 39 yrs and am every bit as happy as when we first got together.

My DP and I have been together since we were 17, we are 64 now.
We decided not to have children and not to upgrade the house (small terraced in London) the house got slowly more cluttered and I felt i needed a break- so I bought a tiny flat in the Cotswolds and retreat there when I need some me time or the house in London feels too cramped. This solution has worked well for us, and we are now spending a lot of time in the Cotswolds together.
When you have been with the same person for so long it is important to keep a hold of who you are on your own,and have interests and and time for yourself, or depression can set in.

How would separation help that?

Well yes if you meet a great friend with whom you had a deep connection that’s a win/win.

I think the point is that most people don’t: at that age they aren’t looking for a friend, they are looking for romance/passion/excitement. They don’t have the insight or the self discipline to realise this is fleeting and not a good basis for a relationship.

Or they are just desperate to get married and have children and they take what they can get.

I got to the age of 22 before I met anyone who was even decent enough to treat me properly, let alone who I was compatible with mentally or emotionally. I don’t think I am that unusual either.

I think people change a lot as they age. 18 is very young and your personality isn’t fully formed. Chances are that by 40, you will be a completely different person and want different things. Maybe you’ll remain compatible, but a lot of couples don’t.

From what I’ve observed, 40s is prime time for divorce. I think something fundamental shifts in who we are as people as we get older.

I think you need to reinvent yourself, or at least find the person you would have been if the conformity and motherhood thing hadn't happened.

At around 40 i suddenly realised i was dressing for other people, suits and blouses and pearl earrings, nice dress and smart shoes, haircut every 10 weeks, boring makeup. That's not me, it's what was expected for my job and bringing up children, which is fine and i don't resent it, but i don't have to do it anymore. It's funny that how you dress can actually affect how you behave and how you feel about yourself. Now i wear much more casual clothes, have birds nest hair that i don't cut, and funky makeup. I feel much more like myself, and i now do more of the things that i used to like; mountain biking, music concerts, city breaks for exploring. It's how i used to be before my best friend died and i started a family.

On the "uncomplicated fun" part, i have been getting noticed by men, i'm suddenly aware of the second looks, and men talk to me (sometimes women too), the kind of men i like. I love the occasional flirt (not gross throwing myself at guys and making innuendos, just actual conversations and making a connection). I'm not interested in casual sex though, it's never good, it's just nice to finally feel seen as me, and to be understood as an indivdual - not in relation to a role i do.

"The more you get, the more you want," as my favorite nun says.

Contentment starts from within, not externally.

Is one of the factors at play you having your head turned by someone else?

No. There is noone else involved with either of us.

I agree. I am almost unrecognisable (in terms of my personality and values and the stuff I like doing) from the person I was in my early twenties.

I would probably avoid the person I was then and if I think back to the various people I dated in the past (up to and including my now ex husband), not one of them would get the time of day from me now.

Life shapes you. If it doesn’t shape you, you’re not really living it, just existing. And one of the ways it shapes you is it innoculates you against people and things which aren’t going to enrich your life.

If I had married any of the people I dated in my late teens or early twenties, even if they had treated me properly, I would not have grown or evolved in any way.

No one benefits from living in a state of arrested development, unchanged in their values or outlook from their teenage self.

You can grow and change together with your partner. That way you get a secure foundation.

You can and some do.

But you get a situation in many marriages where one person grows and the other stays stuck in suspended animation. (I have to say its very often the women doing the growing and the men who want to stay 22 forever in my experience).

Obviously if you can find someone who will go on that journey with you then thats great.

But I don’t think anyone should feel obliged to stay with someone who is holding them back or stifling them.

But what if the person your with doesn't want to grow and change with you?