AIBU to think some marriages fail because people want more from life?

[AmItheoddone]

So, I've name changed for this. Going through some big issues in my marriage at the moment. Love my husband very much but we met when we were 18 and we're now both in our 40s. Have kids and should have a great life if you read the paper but we are not happy. Both bored and feeling like we've missed out on some part of our life. Mentioned my problems to some people and its always assumed he has someone else. I know he doesn't but is struggling. So my question is AIBU to think that some times marriages don't fail because people fall out of love or have affairs but people just want more from life?

Maybe your marriage is over but youve never had a life on yout own so you write a list of all tbe things you want to do and all the things youve missed out on.and you do them on your own and you find yourself , doesnt mean you will.split up infact its not about him or the 2 of you its about you,.

When I was younger I was a wild thing even if I say so myself! I’ve been married nearly 12 years and I am coming up to 50. If I knew what life was going to be like now, I wouldn’t have married my husband, he has sucked the life out of me! If you have a good friendship with your husband and you still do nice things together trust me there’s nothing richer to the soul than that! If you are both living separate life’s and the children are what you’ve got in common but they are young adults and will be moving out soon, maybe you should follow.

I don’t relate.

Met my husband at 17. In our 40s now. Our marriage just gets better all the time, particularly because our children are growing up. We absolutely do now want more from life, and we now have the opportunity to do so!! It’s fucking great tbh.

I think you’ve just fallen out of love tbh with your husband. The “wanting more” is a life either on their own or with someone else.

We went through a stage like this when our kids were younger. We loved and respected each other but daily life/kids-one SEND/work/families etc.. just weighed us down. We didn't argue, we went through the motions but weren't really connected, just felt like we'd lost our spark. We had really open and honest conversations that lasted several weeks, no shouting, arguing or blaming and we decided that we were going to make some big changes, neither of us wanted to give up on each other and we realised how disconected we'd become. We started really making an effort to communicate and spend time together without the kids, nothing massive just lunch or dinner here and there. He started surprising me by booking a night away here and there and I did the same with tickets to watch his favourite sport for us both. We prioritised intamacy as that had always been important to us both and it sounds corny but it was like we fell in love again, we chose each other again. 10 years on we still have a wonderful marriage and are best friends who want to do everything together.
Giving up would have been easy at the time but im so greatful every day that we didn't.

Yes I think in quite a lot of cases that's how it starts and then eventually you start to resent each othet and eventually fall out of love

Speak for yourself. Me and my husband were kids when we met. Of course we didn’t have the capacity to know what on earth we would be like in our 40s. No one does. I didn’t even know if I was gonna be with this guy until Christmas to be honest, but decided to remain as i wanted a present 😂.

Marriage is always a risk, there are no forevers or guarantees no matter what stage you find yourself to be in. Even now me and my husband have the knowledge to know that. We don’t take each other for granted.

We have obviously changed as people, but the love, attraction, sex and connection always remained. Four older teenagers doing incredibly well and still bringing us so much joy…. and sleepless nights.

We always had a separate life though me and my husband. Couple friends alongside friends of our own. He has his time, I have mine. One shared hobby and different hobbies.

I would class us as interdependent, not codependent which is the death of the many, many marriages that me and my husband are now seeing.

I mean I got with my husband because I fancied the pants off him, never did I think we would have built the life together that we did.

I think it depends on your life pre marriage too. I married my first husband 2 weeks after my 19th birthday. We were married for 33 years - over 30 of those very happily. Then one day it was like a switch had been flicked and he told me he wanted us to separate. I think a big part of it was that both of us had only had sex with each other and he wanted to see whether the grass was greener elsewhere. I was devastated as I still lived him as much as ever. He found someone else and checked out of our marriage. I eventually moved on and met my second husband. Not long after that my ex husband came crawling back and asked me to go back to him. I didn’t. He lives alone now in a small flat and we are just friends now. Be very careful before you initiate a separation or divorce as there may not be any going back and the regrets can be hard to live with.

Then it's not your spouse holding you back it's your financial responsibilities and parenting responsibilities.

I think a lot of people get a kind of family life fatigue after being parents for a while. Like in Creamteasandbumblebees example you can communicate and work through this but I think a lot of people respond with a grass is greener mentality that leads to wanting to split up. It's not wrong to split up but it can definitely be done for the wrong reasons and not lead to the desired results.

Some marriages end because people view separation and being single as the solution to wider emotional discomfort with life. Sometimes it works and the person is happier, sometimes it doesn't and the person is more miserable. It's a risk like many in life where you'll never know what the other path would have been.

Yes, many longer relationships have many issues. Everyone's life has issues. No person, relationship, or family is happy all the time. Anyone telling you otherwise is selling something - including the ideal what single life would be like. I went through a period of being surrounded by other women whose solution to every unhappiness was LTB, sold it as the dream that solved every ill. It was a mindfuck. I'm glad I moved away from that environment and didn't follow their advice, I'm fairly happy with the path I've taken from that and the last thing I'd want to change at this time is my marriage.

I agree with pp that family fatigue and 'is this it?' gets to many people. If the goal is to have more experiences, travel, and so on - whether the marriage is a block to that depends on the marriage.

You’re entitled to feel the way you do and saying the OPs feelings are a cop out is unfair.
Great you feel you don’t need to find yourself by being independent / travelling / meeting other people etc but don’t minimalise how others may feel. It’s very much valid. We are not the same people at 17/18 as late 30s.

Ditto 5 yrs before marriage and 13 yrs before first child. Never wanted anyone else and still don't.

The only thing you have missed is relationships with other people- if you are still in love , why would that be a problem?

I think you either grow together or you grow apart. My ex didn't like my new interests, aromatherapy, meditation. I knew I wouldn't be able to have the life I wanted with him. He started behaving badly too, I shouldn't have to live with that, so I left and divorced him.

I'm not sure so much wanting more from life, maybe more wanting different things from life. People change. My whole attitude to life, outlook and priorities are different at 41 then they were when I met DH at 21 but the problem is his aren't. He's the same person he was 20 years ago.

I think perhaps this. I got together with DH at 18. Of course I haven’t had the relationships I would have otherwise… but I’m happy with him instead. However we have only grown closer and more entwined… some do grow apart.

I think a lot of people are in marriages that aren’t necessarily unhappy but not happy. They sort of plod along.
What I have noticed amongst my parents & their friends plus wider family when they all get to a certain age the women rediscover life & do a lot whereas the men’s life starts to shrink a bit. They become more comfortable & happy doing things apart & stay in a marriage because it financially, logistically etc easier.

I also think your 40s are hard these days, lots of pressure, dc, work, health issues can arise etc

Also people change, think of yourself are you the same as you were 10, 20 years ago. Hopes, goals etc all change.

This!
Be careful what you wish for!
Fresh sex with someone else doesn't stay fresh for long and brings more problems.
Embrace what you have OP and build on it together. You can both try things together and separately.

I think it might mean sex with no strings.

Can relate - we live in a rural area which is extremely boring with no social life, and we no longer even sleep in the same bed. The idea that this is all there might be to life from now on makes me want to scream.

I left my husband because he had no aspiration. We met at 18 , married at 20 and divorced at 24 . I was very clear that coming from a poor background I wanted us to work hard and have a good living . He was a mechanic who was going to start his own garage , only he didn’t he never intended to .

I have read that couples who chose to do new things together are happier, that suits dh and I because we are always wanting to do new things - some people would find it uncomfortable or exhausting but we are always seeking the next new thing.

I could of actually written your post. Hard isn't it! Do you have children?

Two teenagers - what about you?