AIBU to think some marriages fail because people want more from life?

[AmItheoddone]

So, I've name changed for this. Going through some big issues in my marriage at the moment. Love my husband very much but we met when we were 18 and we're now both in our 40s. Have kids and should have a great life if you read the paper but we are not happy. Both bored and feeling like we've missed out on some part of our life. Mentioned my problems to some people and its always assumed he has someone else. I know he doesn't but is struggling. So my question is AIBU to think that some times marriages don't fail because people fall out of love or have affairs but people just want more from life?

I think it's healthy for people in relationships to have interests outside of each other and have their own circle of friends. Time away individually is also good. If you still have feelings for each other, can the teenagers stay eg with grandparents and you go away for a long weekend somewhere together. Teenagers don't need a lot of hands on, so there's no reason you can't start doing things together / apart and expanding your horizons.

Sure, but you can’t time travel back to being 17 and thinking, ‘You know, he’s cute, but actually I want to become. Buddhist monk in Bhutan/ apply to RADA / cycle around the world!’ You need to look at what would make your life more fulfilling now, when you have teenagers and everything that goes with that, and think about whether ending your marriage would make you freer and happier.

It's unrealistic expectations I think. People think marriage is easy, filled with laughter and love-making everyday, they aren't prepared to put in the hard work, the marriage requires.

Yeah I just don’t see the point of being married to someone who you have nothing in common with.

Obviously raising children and the financial benefits are significant and OP may want to rock the boat now but once the children have left home it sounds like she would be happier alone.

Having read your actual circumstances, what you are wanting is a Time Machine.
Don’t we all.

You are unlikely to have more money to travel if you split. I would suggest inexpensive holidays with girlfriends and see how it goes. You do not want the teens whining, which is fine. Hopefully dh can do the same and one of you is at home to mind the teens.

If you plan it together, it could work out. I do not see a split being better for you. Plus I hear complaints of literal garbage on dating apps if you are a 40s/50s woman looking, I wouldn’t throw away a decent long term marriage for no guarantee of better opportunities.

Truth is most people if they are lucky get to travel lots in early retirement when they’re financially secured. Your kids will be in their 20s in the blink of an eye, start saving if you can and be realistic.

It’s hard when you’re with the same person from your teens / early 20s. You have to grow up alongside each other and put a heck of a lot of effort in to stop things going stale. I also think marriage is difficult full stop, basically an endurance test. I always say your spouse is an arsehole you’re willing to tolerate daily.

It's absolutely fine to seperate if you've grown apart and no longer want to be in a relationship, forget what you think society tells you. You both have one life, do what makes you happy. Better to end the relationship when you still care for each other and can be civil coparents, than stay together till you resent each other.

I think many people put their relationship on the back burner once they have children so that when the kids have finally grown up and left they’ve lost sight of what brought them together.

I agree with this - you see it so often on here - the kids are prioritised above all else and then the parents wonder why they’ve grown apart.

I met DH when I was 27 , I think I would feel like I kissed out and would want to experience more of life if I had been with the same person since 18. I actually loved the dating years, being single in my 20s, exploring the world as a free agent. We are in the trenches of child rearing atm and I think if I didn’t have those memories of super fun and free times then I would probably leave and so would he. We both have had previous relationships and have stories of dating people and had that time to know that the grass isn’t greener than what we have now. If I didn’t have that comparison I would always be wondering what life could be like. So yes, I think it’s entirely possible to feel like you do and probably normal when you have got together so young.

I think if both of you are on the same page then you can explore ways of addressing this but splitting is radical when it may not fix anything.

I think midlife is a time we evaluate where we have got to and lots of people have that feeling of should have done x y z. There's no point wondering about how it would have been.

Outside of abuse situations, most people split because they want someone else. This doesn't sound like what it's about for you.

I would go to couples therapy perhaps to talk this through...if you can find a good therapist.

I don't really agree that a relationship is limiting. I am a single parent. THAT is limiting. I have not had the opportunity to do things that lots of my friends have in their relationships.

It sounds like there's still mutual respect but you both agree there's been a bit of a rut? Do you or your husband want other relationships or is it about the travel and personal interests? I think some therapy might help you identify a way forward.

As a long term single person, I can see both sides if it but it's a beautiful thing when I see my friends or family in life long relationships where they have supported each other and grown together with shared goals.

I think there are a lot of options but splitting up if you still love each other seems a waste especially with children to think about.

Same. So Grateful met dh at 28. Did big career crazy travel and several serious relationships so fully appreciate him and could make an informed choice. Never feel like this as he is interesting and good company.

Dd2 at 18 has a lovely boyfriend we say we wish she met him later…

Yes. Sometimes with some effort they can rediscover each other but often they can’t, especially if the woman has settled in order to have children.

Even if you do some really exciting stuff now like trek through a jungle, climb a mountain, sit out on the Masai Mara at night under the stars you still have the responsibility of being a parent.

You can still do lots of things together or alone you will have just never done them when you have zero responsibilities. Being a parent changes everything.

But what did you do before you had children and what passions do you have? Did you two just fall in to a very regular life straight away as a couple too young is that how you feel?

Dh and I have been together for 30 years, 5 kids. Still have other friends and emotional support, we go on weekends away on our own and have different interests but still come home to each other. We chat about what we’ve done, what we want to do and help each other with new goals (Dh has just written a book which has taken a lot of time but I supported him in that as it was a dream of his, equally he supports me in my dreams)
I can’t see how being single with kids to still take care of would make any difference, money would be more of a struggle and the time you have wouldn’t change.
i suppose the thing is we still love each other and want each other to still set and achieve new goals that come up

Can you not leave the teens with family and get away for the occasional weekend? Then do things fun back in the UK? Go do something fun together, dance class, movie nights, wine tasting, bungee jumping, whatever it is that floats your boat. The thing about your teens is they are teens, you can start getting a bit of freedom back now they're growing up.

I think marriages fail for many reasons, lack of decent communication, taking each other for granted, not making time for each other, being bored with same thing day in day out, not sharing of the load with money, household and worries... the list is longer than that am sure.

So if you think you guys are bored, put your thinking caps on and start making time for each other and get laughing together :-) Wish you luck!

Sounds like your kids are the issue, not your husband. Splitting up isn’t going to make it any easier to go travelling.

You sound to me like you want out of the marriage now and you've made up your mind regardless of any advice on here. Whatever you do, I hope you find what you are looking for.

I think life gets in the way. People stop communicating and don't always grow together. If you love each other its worth working on.

It may be because I'm a bit of a loner at heart but I think that's fine. Maybe if it's not terrible and the kids are teens wait a bit until they are more independent and do more things separately now ( I suppose as long as that doesn't mean shagging other people) Say once a week you can do a hobby each or have a night out, or a weekend away every 6 weeks each and see how it goes? The alternative is to b split and c spend no runner together at all and 50% of the the with the kids.

How can’t we? There is nothing either of us couldn’t do just because we’re married.

Being married doesn’t stop us doing anything People just like to use it as an excuse.

I always think it must be quite a miserable marriage if you feel suffocated and like you can’t do anything just because you have a partner and children.

Financial constraints are one thing but having kids shouldn’t stop you from being able to go out, travel or see your friends/do your hobbies.

Okay, but if you split up you'll still have the kids and that responsibility for as long as you have it!

But to your question - do relationships sometimes fail because people just want more from life? Absolutely! I ended several relationships before I met DH because I wanted to spread my wings and have more experiences. I wanted to travel, live overseas and go out with other people. If I'd stayed with the BF I had at 18 my life experiences would've been really limited and I'd never have settled for that. It amazes me that anyone wants to, tbh.

None of my marriages were ever boring. Im a biker. They were bikers. There was always some trip, rally, band, holiday going on. Lots to do. We all had various hobbies as well.
They failed because the men were selfish and expected me to do and organise everything. I dont do the house maid thing. I expect everyone to pull their weight.
I dont understand why men expect to be waited on by women.
Boredom wasnt part of it. If you are bored think of something you really want to do and do it. Whether its bands, festivals, free swimming, dancing whatever. There is no excuse for boredom.

I do understand how having kids stops you travelling as you would in your 20's. You are basically having to pay for 4 adults prices and having to take 2 teens into account all the time. But I agree about seeing friends etc. Teens should be ok to not need 24 hours supervision. 40 something isn't that old either. I did a LOT of travelling/partying/seeing friends/unsuitable boyfriends in my 20's. I basically had an absolute blast. The result was that I am 53 and my youngest child is still only 14. However I don't feel like even at my old age that I can't go travelling again. I'm planning to be working for at least another 7 years for a start. One of my friends is the same- had her children in her late 30's/ early 40's. Now her and her husband have retired and her last child has just gone to University and they are always on some glamorous holiday or another.