AIBU to think some marriages fail because people want more from life?

[AmItheoddone]

So, I've name changed for this. Going through some big issues in my marriage at the moment. Love my husband very much but we met when we were 18 and we're now both in our 40s. Have kids and should have a great life if you read the paper but we are not happy. Both bored and feeling like we've missed out on some part of our life. Mentioned my problems to some people and its always assumed he has someone else. I know he doesn't but is struggling. So my question is AIBU to think that some times marriages don't fail because people fall out of love or have affairs but people just want more from life?

If there is no abuse in a marriage then I do think both parents have a moral obligation to make things work.

You loved and liked that person enough to have children together, there will be a way you can do so again. In any long term relationship there are peaks and troughs.

The statistics are very clear, even an amicable divorce negatively affects childrens future propects and relationships. You should have a much better reason than just being bored,a vague sense that it will make your life more exciting or just sex with someone new (who will quickly become just as familiar and boring).

Really? You think people can't know if they are happy?

And presumably they live in boxes so aren't aware that other people exist and do other things?

Ah here we are
its “the script”
you want to sleep with other people

So what do you want? You have full work and social lives, love each other and have no money worries. You are very lucky! I'm not sure this is really about your marriage; it sounds like your existential, mid-life crisis. And if you separate and are lucky enough to have the excitement of falling in love again (far from guaranteed) you will eventually come out the other side and have to deal with the come down of ordinary, everyday life. And, yes, sometimes it does feel meaningless and boring but you just have to work through that and actively look for and be grateful for the good stuff.

When it comes down to it ‘mating for life’ in a human context it’s a construct really, it’s not natural in the way swans or other animals do.

A lucky few grow together and get stronger and stay madly in love into their elderly years. We marvel at it because it’s simply not that common, unfortunately.

I think it must be lovely though.

What do you mean by uncomplicated fun?

I think people grow and change and sometimes the people that change into just aren’t the people we fell in love with anymore. And that doesn’t mean they’ve become worse, necessarily. Just that you no longer quite fit together. And maybe that’s because you’ve both changed into people who want something else. And that’s ok.

I’d be inclined to talk about it, see if you can’t explore some things separate for a while. Travel, hobbies maybe…maybe some couples counselling. And in a few years when the kids are done their exams if it’s still not working, you can amicably call it a day.

Everyone has different experiences but most of my friends have been together since teens. Mid 40s now. And everyone is happy. Maybe we're all just lucky.

Yes, but I think what OP doesn't realise is it's a temporary high and will not deal with what sounds more like an existential crisis. She will ultimately feel unfulfilled and bored by shagging for shaggings sake. If she thinks life is boring at the moment and doesn't address what that is really about she will have a really horrible time once the menopause hits as well. The reality is life is somehow ridiculous, futile and at times boring but we all have to navigate that and find meaning.

This really - as kids grow up, work commitments change, your relationship needs to change too. If you want your life to be different, you need to talk about what you both think that looks like in the short, medium and long term.

DH and I hit the wall about 10 years ago but when we talked we understood that we both ultimately wanted the same things - our home finished, to spend more time together and with friends, to travel more, to be fit, active and healthy when we retire, to retire as early as finances allow so that we could have a rich life together after 60… and that we would more easily achieve that together, by staying together and not splitting assets and sharing the kids post divorce. Also easy for us to reach this consensus because we still loved each other and considered the other our best friend. We had both just got in a child centred/work stress rut and not taken time to reassess and recalibrate.

But yes. Many people don’t have the conversation, don’t do an appraisal of their marriage/life goals, and drift into affairs or divorce or simply because they have got bored of their lives as a whole. Those people often discover after the fact that they made a mistake walking away, thinking that the grass was greener. Lost count of the number of people I’ve heard who said that they wish they’d just ridden the wave and changed other things in their lives before just leaving.

Also…in my experience there’s no such thing as uncomplicated fun if there are feelings involved.

Anything else aside - usually guys really struggle in general to be a good fwb. It usually becomes some weird power play where they don’t like it if you don’t fall for them. It’s easier to find a good partner than a good fwb.

You could do one night stands of course. If you’re confident enough to be able to get what you need from them (because mostly they only care about their own pleasure). But obviously this still carries the risk to your marriage even if he says he’s ok with it. And, other risks.

Honestly, it’s messy op. I wouldn’t intriduce another person into this.

The teen years can certainly be difficult and costly, but if you can’t afford to do the things you would like to, travelling for example, it's going to be infinitely harder to do so with two households to support.

If you honestly love each other and want to stay in the marriage, plan for the future when it may be easier financially to do those things together.

Or maybe none of you are people who want want 'more' (not a criticism).

It's very unusual for a whole friendship group to comprise mostly people who are in middle age and have been together since they were teens. I think aspiration can breed discontent, whereas people who are happy with a simpler life probsbly get along better in the long term.

Sex.

I married my first boyfriend, who I met at 19... I'm not a bored rural housewife. We live in London, both have had incredibly varied careers/exciting opportunities, both travel and socialise a lot (though he travels more than I do). I've achieved things I only dreamed of doing as kid... Having a partner from 19 didn't stop me, in fact it gave me a lot of support throughout everything I've done.

The data is quite strong that people who meet when younger tend to have happier relationships, and those who meet later (35+) tend to have worse relationship outcomes. Out of my friends the people who have met their partner in their 30s do seem more like they just picked someone based on a list of characteristics rather than just gelling with someone, like you do when you're younger.

I don't really care whether people meet young or old, up to them, but I just had to counter the "if I married my first boyfriend I'd be a bored rural housewife with no life" narrative. When you meet your partner bears no relation on how interesting your life is gonna be!

Yes, I thought that must be the case. If you’re married and have kids there’s no such thing as uncomplicated fun. OP must be living in dreamland.

Yes, every person's experience must be just like yours 🙄

I think some women want the wedding not the marriage.

Yes I agree. My first marriage failed due to his infedelity, however I think if we had more finances to have more freedom I think we may have been ok. Who knows I guess. I just believe if we had more money to go on nice holidays and bought a nice house where everything was done or needed minimal work we would not have been as stressed and tired. All these things put together (shouldn’t do but sadly reality it does), easy to start looking around where you wouldn’t have done before.

my ears ago people just put up and shut up but then probably were very unhappy or just accepted it.

That’s why I don’t want to get married, because I cannot say for definite that I will be with my partner forever. People change. Life happens. People evolve. Sometimes together and sometimes not. Life’s too short to be unhappy. I only got in a long term relationship at 30, after spending my 20s travelling and I feel in your 20s you change/evolve/develop the most. Can you go to a relationship counsellor to speak through your thoughts and feelings?

It’s a bit of a cop out I think. Do you love and want to be with the man or not? If not, then it’s time to end it. If so, then can this ‘more’ you are looking for, whether it’s travel, more/better sex, fun, adventure, hobbies/passions, education, volunteering, career change whatever it is not be achieved while staying in the marriage?
If by ‘more’ what you really mean is ‘different’ because you’ve been married to the same man for 20 plus years, then I think that’s a selfish reason to throw away a marriage and upset children.

What a atupid answer, life isnt about doing everything together its doing what makes you happy,

Honestly you should try and do some of those things then. I think people get married without realising what marriage is.

Want more than what though? Not being married?

But it seems society tells us we're wrong for feeling like we need a break or to step back from each other. We both want to be happy not stuck together because we should be

Well separate then. You may then find the grass isn't greener.