AIBU to think some marriages fail because people want more from life?

[AmItheoddone]

So, I've name changed for this. Going through some big issues in my marriage at the moment. Love my husband very much but we met when we were 18 and we're now both in our 40s. Have kids and should have a great life if you read the paper but we are not happy. Both bored and feeling like we've missed out on some part of our life. Mentioned my problems to some people and its always assumed he has someone else. I know he doesn't but is struggling. So my question is AIBU to think that some times marriages don't fail because people fall out of love or have affairs but people just want more from life?

You need to discuss what you both actually want out of life. Maybe you can find common ground. Grass isnt always greener.

The grass is not greener and one of you will likely ‘lose’ but also why spend life unhappy? It’s far too short. If you think you will be happier apart then do it, but don’t just because you are bored. Single life and dating can be very lonely and very difficult, it isn’t just like sex with other people and you can never go back to what you have now. I get the temptation but honestly, what’s the point whilst you still have kids at home and you still care for each other?

Maybe think about what the more is that you want.
could you travel, learn a language, take up a hobby, get a pet?

My DH and I have been together for nearly 38 years. We were 20 (me) and 18 (him) when we got married. We’ve had our ups and downs, spent some years when our children were smaller being skint, times were hard, but we’ve grown together and those times actually cemented us and we both strove for more during those years as a team, happy with what we had, at the time but working hard for a better, more comfortable life.

Now, in our mid fifties, we are financially very secure, on the cusp of retirement, and we are stronger and more in love than we’ve ever been. We have separate hobbies but a main one that we do together. We get on brilliantly, we still laugh, enjoy each other’s company, do mundane things as a team, have an amazing sex life and are both very much contented with what we have and have achieved.

I’m not saying that it’s been easy and maybe there’s an amount of luck that we’ve had, in the sense that neither of us are really materialistic people, we’re very similar in our outlook on life and are happy with simple things that cost little to enjoy, we don’t hanker after expensive holidays for example and enjoy our gardens and allotment together - we have a campervan that we can take off in for a few days if we want a break for example. But he’s my best friend and I am his and after all these years together, yes - I really do think that for us it will be death is do part, but not because we’re stuck in a marriage. This is where we both want to be and we’re both very happy.

I think it is likely that unless you have some proper relationship counselling you are prime candidates for the post empty nester separation /divorce risk. That's what happened to my long marriage. We just slowly grew apart over the 40 years together, didn't want the same things, in life, had different values and priorities, didn't see an eventual happy retirement ahead . Once the children were grown up and were not around to dilute the boredom and feelings of discontentedness, and the increasing disconnection , I left. Not for it because of anyone else, but for my own sanity and mental wellbeing.

I certainly don't hate my ex, but couldn't face a retirement with him. We still see each other in small doses at regular family events. However I am significantly financially poorer, having left behind the matrimonial home. I have scraped together enough money to buy a small home with a nice garden but it's definitely tougher managing financially.on one pension rather than two.

I'm a solo parent and have all the same constraints as you mention here, but no partner.

It’s never unreasonable to wonder about things!

At various points through life having someone you know well and love “by your side” can be ideal. Sometimes other things seem more important or it can feel suffocating.

Being human means thoughts and feelings change — sometimes for identifiable reasons sometimes for no reason.

There are ways to be both married and find the space to explore the world without your partner.

In my 20s I had a friend whose parents ran a business together. He told me they took different holidays with friends instead of each other. That sounded insane to me then (surely sharing down time was more enjoyable than work time?) but now I get it. If they work well together that’s amazing, but other people are also great and time with both is possible.

I hope you find changes or acceptance that work for you.

What about swinging?

Younger, 8 and 5.
How long have things been like this for you?
I think the birth of our 2nd was the turning point for us, has only gotten worse since really

Really the last three or four years. It has gotten a bit worse as our oldest DC has some mental health issues, and has had a lot of problems with loneliness and isolation. It's maybe not totally rational but I feel that things would be much better for everyone if we relocated somewhere else with more opportunities - I really have no social life to speak of at all, pretty much everyone in our immediate area is elderly. I have pretty much resigned myself to letting go of a major career opportunity (potentially moving up to a six figure salary) as I don't feel I could do it with the way we are living now.

What about you?

Wow. Some of your post sounds very similar to mine. Stuck rurally and have to drive everywhere but why do you have to give up your career opportunity? Can you commute?

Ive read all the posts and definitely agree that the grass isnt always greener. But there are other factors at play here also that I'm not getting into. However, I do agree if we both want to, we can do most of the things we want to without causing too much hassle. We just have to figure it out. Im not sure what exactly I want right now. But moving could be on the cards. Like a pervious poster we do live rurally so maybe moving into town could help. Make the long winters more bareable. More chances to do things.

The grass is always greener. Enjoy your marriage. You could split up and meet someone else who is secretly gay or is abusive towards you. Just enjoy the person you've got to know all these years. Look forward to a new chapter of travel when your DC are grown up!

Honestly you should be grateful you found your soul mate so soon in life. It's a positive. I got married at 24. First baby at 24. I was in a few relationships before marrying my husband but would have gladly not have if I had met my husband first. Married almost 20 years. I am more in love now with him than I was back then.

Look to the future with your husband and plan exciting stuff together. A wish list.

This, times a million. I have a theory that many couples (myself included) are effectively in arranged marriages. Our relationships were arranged for us by our hormones, then we either grew to love each other deeply as time went on, or discovered that once the sexual bliss wore off we had little or nothing in common. By then we'd bought houses, had kids etc and we couldn't just 'pack him in' and go out next Saturday to meet someone new.

So here we are, pondering our choices and wondering if this is it for the rest of our lives. The only more I want is more personal choice and freedom, which I find is limited by sharing a house with another adult. I'd rather be entirely self sufficient but the maths don't work. I just buy lottery tickets and daydream.

So good to read such a positive post on such a dreary thread.

Feel the opposite. That’s why I’m a fan of meeting abit later. Dh is amazing I love spending time with him we do loads of stuff all the time. The thought of settling with the boyfriends I had at 18/21 and 25 dear god nightmare! Either would have been bored to death or in a women’s refuge.

You can leave a marriage or relationship for any reason. Sometimes people change, sometimes what they want changes. It's unlikely two people
will change in the exact same way over many decades together. I suppose children and / or religious belief can keep people together longer than they might otherwise be but in the absence of those, I don't see much point in marriage. For what it's worth, im in a LTR but wouldn't choose marriage because I don't know if I'll feel the same in ten years' time and wouldn't lie to him and pretend otherwise. We get one shot and I want to live it my way, however that looks decade to decade.

What "more" do you get from divorcing your partner? Having sex with other people sure but you don't suddenly have a better job and a more glamorous life.
You could have children who are very bitter about a divorce. Who no longer want to see you. You might not find another partner and have years ahead of loneliness and Christmasses for 1.
Obviously you shouldn't stay in an abusive marriage. But the OP says they do still have love for their partner its just that they've grown apart.
As I said I guess my friends and I are all lucky that we have great loving husbands that we want to do things with.

Interesting. That's one of the reasons given for arranged marriages in other cultures - that parents are mature, know their children and choose with their heads, not their hearts. So that's effectively saying that young people are being ruled by their hormones and entering into less desirable arranged marriages of their own choosing? Of course the reality is that many arranged marriages are actually forced marriages, and horrendous, and then you have Charles and Diana - enough said! The famous successful arranged marriage was that of Victoria and Albert, but the last laugh was on the authorities. They thought they would be easy to manipulate but they hadn't bargained on their falling in love, joining forces and standing up to them, effectively becoming problem children.

Is this about regretting pasts you didn't have? Because there's nothing you can do about that now, you can never go back and be that 18 year old spending six months on a beach in Bali now, life doesn't work that way. Even if you and your DH separated, you would always be worrying about the kids, what they were up to, did they have the right/enough equipment or money that they needed...

I wonder if you're looking at life through tinted glasses because you are in the real thick part of parenting and it sounds as though everyone else is having a better time. If you really love each other, what's wrong with gritting your teeth, getting the kids off to uni or independent lives, and making plans for what you will do with all that new freedom you will have then? It's not like your kids are preschool and you have a long time to wait.

I think you need to be looking forward not backwards. Look at the lives of people slightly older than you that have split up or stayed together. That's going to be closer to what you can expect than the life of a carefree childless 25 year old.

While I agree with this, it sometimes isn't that simple. My husband loathes family holidays and prefers going away alone. This means he uses up a lot of annual leave and there isn't much left over. Then he used to get very upset that if I want to go away with the kids that I'm leaving him out. I would have loved to move to a nicer area and have a different lifestyle that we could have easily afforded but he point blank insisted on staying here, he doesn't love our house but hates change. I went back to university and had a massive career change and was really proud of myself, he wouldn't go out to dinner to celebrate my graduation or me getting a new job. I just realised that he was a big fun sponge and it eroded so much joy from my day to day life. It got to the point that I didn't like telling him anything.
Now we are separated I can't afford as a single mum to travel or go out to dinner but at least the is on my terms.

I agree with most of v this but can I point out "most" arranged marriages are not forced. Most people ( including women) can say no. A minority- too large a minority but still a minority are forced, which is thankfully now, illegal. Especially since the removal of the right to marry at 16 with parental ' permission'.

@MoonDancer1 Thanks for pointing this out. I actually said 'many', not 'most', but actually I have no real basis for believing that. Very pleased to learn it's very rare. I hadn't realised that marriage at 16 and 17 with parental consent was no longer possible. I'm from Scotland and anyone of 16 or older could always marry regardless of what their parents thought. No idea if it's the same now.

So, OP has now dripfed that 'there are other factors at play here also that I'm not getting into'. This is such an annoying thing that people do on Mumsnet. How on earth can we possibly advise without knowing all the factors?
However, she also has added that whilst she loves him they don't share the same interests or want to do anything together. I'm not sure I'd call that marital love. It sounds like care and respect for a decent co-parent but marital love should involve a degree of both excitement and contentment however long you've been together. Not constantly, of course, but I am always excited to see my husband if we've been apart and often experience contentment, particularly when we are having down time - we enjoy the same things and have very similar tastes. That's alongside the usual amount of irritation and bickering that comes from having to cohabit with anyone, of course! If @AmItheoddone doesn't have that I think her marriage is done. I'd separate amicably and remain on friendly terms. I was going to write 'and retain a friendship' but I dont think they have that; if they did their marriage would be salvageable.