AIBU to think some marriages fail because people want more from life?

[AmItheoddone]

So, I've name changed for this. Going through some big issues in my marriage at the moment. Love my husband very much but we met when we were 18 and we're now both in our 40s. Have kids and should have a great life if you read the paper but we are not happy. Both bored and feeling like we've missed out on some part of our life. Mentioned my problems to some people and its always assumed he has someone else. I know he doesn't but is struggling. So my question is AIBU to think that some times marriages don't fail because people fall out of love or have affairs but people just want more from life?

What is it you wished you had done in your 20s instead?

Travelled more and enjoyed the time when we had no responsibilities. I understand we have responsibilities now and cant run away from them and nor do I want to. I just want to be happy and am currently not.

That's always a risk, but if it works it works very well.

Try to work on becoming happy in the marriage because if you split up it'll be your children who are unhappy.

Can't you take your children on short city breaks in Europe? Plan exciting things that wouldn't cost the earth

Our children will be fine. They are our number one priority and will make all decisions with them at the centre. But we shouldn't have to stay together if we are both unhappy for the sake of the children. I dont want them growing up like that

We could. We've been away 3 times with them since the beginning of June. We actually spend a lot of time with them.

Is that you granny? Welcome back to the land of the living!

No I just know what its like having divorced parents and its miserable.

You started off by saying oh we still love each other but we just want different things in life but when people asked for clarification you weren’t able to say what that was. You mentioned travel but when people asked why that wasn’t possible now or whether separation would make it possible you didn’t have an answer for that. It is now seeming to come round more to you not in fact liking each other (I think?) and talk of “bad marriages” but it’s unclear so it’s really hard for people to fully comment on how you are feeling.

I don’t think having divorced parents automatically makes children miserable. It requires a great deal of care and thought and it should be a last resort but its misleading to suggest it should be avoided at all costs.

I divorced my daughter’s father when she was four (he was an alcoholic and his behaviour was abusive). Me and my daughter are both thriving now and she has a great relationship with him. It was absolutely the right thing to do and I have never felt a minute’s regret.

I have spoken to a great many people who say they wish their parents had divorced because they were tangibly unhappy together and the tension between them made the children miserable. Parents are modelling marriage as a duty, something completely devoid of joy, which has to be stuck to like clinging to a raft on a sinking ship.

I don’t think divorce should be easy and it’s not optimal if it happens when the children are living at home: every reasonable effort should be made to salvage the marriage.

But a respectful and cordial divorce where the needs of the children are paramount is far far better than marriage lived as a life sentence.

OP, as you will gauge from this thread... seeking permission to divorce is pointless. You'll also find that, whether you ask for opinions or not, there will be people who express disappointment or disapproval. You will hear (yes even in 2026) variations of:

• the only reason for divorce is adultery or domestic violence
• your children will now be from a broken home
• your marriage failed because you didn't try hard enough
• couples these days give up too quickly

Honestly, the only way of getting through it is to stop seeking permission or acceptance and to just make your own decisions.

I actually wasn't seeking permission or advice on whether I should get divorced. I was more wondering do people leave their marriage because they want more. And the poll results show that 85% agree with me. So not all bad.

Noone on the Internet can tell me what to do. Its my life to live but I was just wondering of there's more to life than not so domestic bliss.

Anyway. Time will tell what happens.

Well of course many people are happier alone, but that doesn't mean marriage can't be enduringly loving and very happy

I think plenty of people do and I think it's a valid choice. I hope you're ok and wish you well, whatever the future holds.

I'm baffled at the OP. So you main issue seem to be kids and having no money. OK, you split up - you still have kids and even less money!! This is not a marriage issue, this is lack of time, nor enough money and responsibility issue. A bit too late to decide you want freedom when you have children to bring up.

Though of course we all know men who simply walk away from all the above I would not recommend it.

I was in a kind of similar situation. I knew this about my exDH but the reality slapped me harder than I realised because I thought this is what life is about.

He wanted to nest, paint walls and build furniture and was mostly excited about the Lidl middle aisle, and I was pining for travel and new experiences and going outside. So yes I did end up leaving. I think we just were at different life stages with different outlooks and they were not compatible without someone becoming miserable.

He wanted me home to nest on the sofa, I wanted to be out and about challenging myself. Dragging kids along isn’t the same and we tried this but their hearts were not in it, so I was often doing these things alone. I didn’t feel it was fair anymore because I was resenting him and feeling stifled and he felt like he wasn’t enough for me.

It wasn’t about money, I don’t have more money now. It’s about outlook. I’ve done more new things to push myself in the past 9 months than I had the previous 9 years.

My exDH would lie in bed fantasising on rightmove for hours over lottery win houses showing me them and expecting me to get excited, but I would be looking up cool places to hike on the weekends, and exploring UK cities to go hire a bike.

When I would suggest this he would not really be keen on doing it but would be happy to eat out. He would get excited about new TV shows and I would fall asleep during them all.

It felt like one of us lived in reality and the other fantasy and it got weird, stale and hard to counter balance. I just couldn’t stop yearning to get off the sofa and go do things. You get one life, we work hard, life is challenging so I believe in making the most of it and having a positive outlook.

I had a great time being single don’t get me wrong. Running your own show is actually very liberating.

But I do have a new partner now and we tend to talk about the things we like doing and then, we go and DO them. We have tried watching TV together but we chat too much and can never follow the plot of anything because of it.

I can’t explain it, perhaps in a few years time I will be in the same situation, but it just feels like we feed off each others motivation and positivity about life in general, than just focusing and locking into the mundane stuff in front of our faces and accepting that’s our lives and that’s that.

We also still cook, clean and do all the usual boring tasks but somehow they are just less taxing and mundane doing it together the way we do.

We tend to do big batch cooks together every few weeks then this frees up so much more time for activities. We will try (and fail) to recreate food we ate out. We get in the car and go drive random places when we don’t have our kids. We get email alerts for local events, shows etc and go to them even if they are a bit shit, we still give it a go then laugh it off. We will do extra work to save up spare money to go explore places and try new things. We joined the gym together to motivate each other. All the while we have our own kids and friends and we see them too and have our own separate lives, plus our together lives, we just don’t sit down very often 😂 and I like that, and it’s why it works

I would open up to your DH about what you want from life. He might want it too