AIBU to think some marriages fail because people want more from life?

[AmItheoddone]

So, I've name changed for this. Going through some big issues in my marriage at the moment. Love my husband very much but we met when we were 18 and we're now both in our 40s. Have kids and should have a great life if you read the paper but we are not happy. Both bored and feeling like we've missed out on some part of our life. Mentioned my problems to some people and its always assumed he has someone else. I know he doesn't but is struggling. So my question is AIBU to think that some times marriages don't fail because people fall out of love or have affairs but people just want more from life?

It sounds like you're a bit confused between regretting some life choices, and wanting to do some different stuff both within the marriage and outside it.

For instance you've referenced travel, but if you left the marriage, would you really have time and money to do more? Are you sure its the marriage that's dragging you down and not the responsibilities of kids / money?

I think a lot of people including me fantasise about just walking away from all the responsibilities, think about what life would be like if we hadn't had kids, if I was single etc. That doesn't necessarily mean you're with the wrong person.

Do you like it better when he is gone or when he is at home?

I wonder if by saying someone wants more, they mean they want different?

I think more and different are feelings that can't always be explained easily.

@moonbubblesdid you read the rest of what I said? Not just the first paragraph?

@Thepeopleversusworkbecause you settle down with your first love doesn’t mean you haven’t encountered other people. I was with my husband 11 years before I married him and 16 years before we had our child.
In that time I’ve met a lot of people rushing into relationships and making rash decision. People being ‘love bombed’ and swept off their feet only to be heartbroken.
A lot of people just want to meet someone nice and have a family etc but people they meet don’t want to ‘settle’ or have anything serious.

I agree that I am in the minority and had even our parents saying when we were younger it’s a shame when we met young as they could see we were compatible with each other but well aware of how young we were.

To me I feel lucky to have found my person young and grow up together. As a community nurse I meet a lot of the older generation who have been together since they were young. I always ask their story and ask their advice. A few women had sh*y husbands and were glad when they died. A lot of them are happy.
Everyone is different.
But it is insulting when people generalise ‘settling’ with your first love, meaning you don’t know what the alternatives are. I definitely do..,,the alternatives are crap!

You're both bored and want more, why can't you do that together? I think marriages fail because if mismatched wants. If you both want something else, work on that.

@monicaspurpledoor

It sounds like you and your husband are genuinely happy and suited.

I think it certainly can work but its a high risk gambit. I would be very worried if my daughter wanted to settle down with a childhood sweetheart.

I guess my point is that a lot of the time when people say they married super young and are still happy after 60+ years they don’t actually know how things could have turned out in other circumstances. So while a percentage of these people will genuinely be happy and compatible some certainly are settling or just don’t know any better and it’s too late to change.

The length of a marriage isn’t automatically a badge of its worth.

Lots of different views on here. Just to clarify I do lots for myself. I go to the gym, run, go away with friends etc. He would do similar. We dont have money worries together and I get that that would change if we separated. Someone mentioned about older people who've been together years being happy. We in our experience most older couples we know are very unhappy. Case in point both sets of parents would definitely not be in happy marriages but have been together over 40years. A lot of our friends marriages don't appear to be happy either. Lots of issues. This is my main point. Do people just stay together because it is easier?! People have asked do I love my husband and I would say yes and I would say he loves me but sometimes love isnt enough.

This thread is almost comically gloomy 😄

This. It’s not so much about “working on it” but about recognising that good marriages do not just happen.

Yes, this is what I'm trying to get across (badly, obviously!).

Of course not all marriages are worth it and both partners do have to put the work and effort in, but this idea that a long-term relationship somehow doesn't require both parties to put some work in is alien to me.

There's definitely plenty of bad marriages out there. I wouldn't class my marriage as a bad marriage. My husband is a good man. I just dont know if we are right for each other any more. But he's a good father to our kids and I wouldn't choose a different man to have had them with.

Shame he didn't tell her where to go. She was lucky he had her back while she played around.

Grass isn’t always greener, OP. You need to also be realistic about what life would look like on your own.

I love my husband. He’s steady, reliable, kind, makes me laugh. Life with him is nice. It can be boring and predicable at times for sure and those times can be hard. But do you know, I’ve seen so many of my friends separate from their crap husbands and struggle with the utter shite that is the dating scene in your 40s, having to split time with kids, money worries etc, and I’ve also seen them put up with crap like cheating etc because the thought of separating is too galling (or, more commonly, because the kids are tiny and they can’t bear the idea of handing them over to a sub-par parent 50% of the time).

These stories make me want to cling to my decent-but-sometimes-dull husband and never let him go.

Are you just bored of life then? What difference would separating make unless it's to see other people? I'm not sure I'd be I producing boyfriends into teenagers lives. They have enough on at that age!

If that's your issue, OP, it's not your marriage that's to blame, it's you.

Find something meaningful to do. Work on your marriage.

Your life won't become meaningful just because you leave your marriage.

What do you mean by "not right for each other anymore?".

Definitely have no interest in boyfriends. Some uncomplicated fun would be more what I'm thinking. Its my kids time for boyfriends/girlfriends. Not mine.

Don't have the same interests anymore. Don't really want to spend time doing things together. Our marriage is definitely stale.

It’s a bit shit for your kids to have their stable home torn apart because you’re bored.

Not saying that should be the be all and end all but it’s a really important consideration that doesn’t really seem to have been mentioned.

Do people just stay together because it is easier?!

Yes, I think this is often the case, but also:

• financial worries;
• family/social/religious expectations/judgements;
• not wanting to only have their DC part-time;
• worries about inept/abusive ex being in sole charge of DC;
• worries about loneliness/social isolation.

IME things have to be really bad for a couple to separate. I've had friends whose DPs have cheated, others that are low level abusive and they've stayed, because splitting up is too hard to contemplate for one/more of the above reasons.

Marriages fail because one or both spouses don’t want to honor their vows anymore. In various ways. Mental health and abuse aside.

Yup. Someone very close to me is stuck in an abusive marriage because she’s terrified of him having the kids on his own, without her oversight.

She is a shell of her former self. But what’s she meant to do?

DH and I have absolutely nothing in common in terms of interests, I can't say it causes any issues - my parents (and his, too) are all the same.

Why don't you want to spend time together - is it boredom? Or have you fallen into a rut?

I’ve been with DH since we were 16 now 64. You can grow together. Change things you don’t like. We’re not stopping each other getting more from life, quite the opposite.

I think marriages fail because we live too long. I don't think we're meant to be with one person forever and ever. The only reason most people stayed was because there was no real alternative. My gran was widowed at 40. Never married again. Not because she loved him so much (he was an arse) but she'd had enough of men. Probably coincided with her menopause, to be fair.

I went through very similar a few years back. Although I was mid 20s when I met him. I had to decide what I wanted more: to leave, with all the attendant hassle and the dating battles, or work it through. For us, we still had lots in common, we'd just lost our way. On balance I couldn't think of anyone who would be 'more' than what I had.