AIBU to think some marriages fail because people want more from life?

[AmItheoddone]

So, I've name changed for this. Going through some big issues in my marriage at the moment. Love my husband very much but we met when we were 18 and we're now both in our 40s. Have kids and should have a great life if you read the paper but we are not happy. Both bored and feeling like we've missed out on some part of our life. Mentioned my problems to some people and its always assumed he has someone else. I know he doesn't but is struggling. So my question is AIBU to think that some times marriages don't fail because people fall out of love or have affairs but people just want more from life?

I’m sure some do, but how old are you kids and what is it you want from life? Is there no way you can plan for more?

What is it you feel like you’ve missed out on that ending your marriage would achieve?

I think a lot of marriages fail because the impact of children changes the dynamic and some people miss the pre child fun and freedom.
i think that sex drives change and make some incompatible
i think some people change weight / personality / effort reduces and they become less attractive to the other

In these situations I always wonder how is it that it’s the marriage that is the things that has stopped people achieving what they want in life. Surely ,unless it’s other sexual partners that you want ,you can achieve within a marriage.

if you divorce you have the same life ( but much harder) and still have to achieve the dream life.

I also think that people stop communicating - get complacent and then don’t want to put the work into getting back on track

You're definitely not BU, of course this can happen. You've kind of grown up together and likely not experienced much and done things independently. I completely understand how you feel.

Are you thinking about possible next steps or just wondering out loud?

Definitely. I think young marriage is almost always a bad idea for this reason. I don’t think 18 year olds have enough self knowledge or life experience to choose someone to spend the next 50+ years with.

I also think even good marriages usually don’t last forever. They can play an important role in providing stability for raising children but no one naturally wants to spend that long with just one person. People change and grow and a marriage to a person you met when you are still an adolescent can really hold you back.

How old are your kids?

Certainly travel is one of the things we should have done. Maybe separately and maybe together. I know we can travel now but with the cost of things and bills and responsibilities its not the same. Our kids are early teens so again they are expensive and even when we go on hols they whinge and moan about having to do anything. So its definitely not the same.

This is just a cop out excuse. My husband and I have been together since we were teenagers and we’re now in our late 30s.

Any “more” we want from life we can do together.

Yes, I agree. On the other hand, if the OP and her DH have teenage children now, whether or not they split up isn’t going to mean the difference between going off to travel the world or whatever else they feel they missed out on, and sitting in front of the tv in some suburb…?

But maybe your ‘more’ doesn’t involve sleeping with lots of people or living as a hermit on an inhabited island or walking the Hindu Kush solo?

Wondering out loud but trying to figure out the next steps. Ive read so many stories this week of people who are trapped in abusive relationships, are being controlled financially, have separately but are forced to live together due to the cost of rents/mortgages. They hate their spouse/partner and it's taking a huge toll on their mental health. I still care a lot for my husband and I know he cares for me but we are both very different people now. But it seems society tells us we're wrong for feeling like we need a break or to step back from each other. We both want to be happy not stuck together because we should be.

This always comes up on these discussions and people get defensive but actually it’s not about sex (or travel). Having just one other adult as your only source of emotional support, intellectual stimulation and company for decades is massively limiting. You’re cutting yourself off from so many alternative perspectives and shutting down horizons.

But how can you? Like us, you cant just up and leave because you have responsibilities. The kids will come first. Always. But that comes with constraints, financially, time wise and emotionally. These things didn't existed when we were younger.

So what is the ‘more’ you both actually want - different partners / travel / more hobbies / interests / time to yourself. If you separate, you’ll probably both be worse off financially with not much money for travel or nicer things in life.

Can you both make your lives more fulfilling within your marriage ? As your children are early teens they can be left alone during the day/evenings so you both could take up individual hobbies, do things together, see friends, etc. You could head out for the day on a Saturday or Sunday leaving the teens at home. Travel is within your reach too, only another few years when you won’t need to bring your children.

You’re at the stage where your children don’t need your constant attention and you’ve more free time so boredom sets in, especially if the years prior were very child focussed without making time for yourselves/doing things for yourselves. So you need to see if you can get over the boredom within the marriage first, otherwise you could separate and still be bored.

I missed the bit where marriage means you are only allowed to keep the company of one person!

This. And you're always told join a group or do something together but what if you've changed so much you dont want to do these things together? And if you do do them you end up spending more time apart.

You may want more out of life, but I can’t see that you would have more without him.

you want to travel? That is more expensive on your own, but also day to day living is more expensive on your own so you have less disposable income available to travel

If you do things individually then when you come together you have more to talk about, have a part of your life that doesn’t involve your partner, not as bored with them as you don’t see them all the time, you look forward to coming home to them and can enjoy that time.

Though if you feel your marriage has run its course, that’s it then.

Well, I agree, but has the OP said that she’s solely reliant on her DH as a source of emotional support, intellectual stimulation etc? DH and I have been together since our teens, but have always had good friends and the philosophy that our relationship should not stop us doing things (so we’ve had jobs in different countries, moved around the world together etc).

Why on earth does marriage mean you only have one person as your source of support, stimulation and company?

You don’t need to do things together

My parents have been married over 40 years and all their hobbies are separate and always have been. They are very different people with very different interests and would have felt stifled if they never spent time on their own following their own interests.

Of course you can spend time with other people. But if the one person you are supposed to be most compatible with shares nothing of the values and interests that make life bearable it sort of undermines the rationale for being together.

Why bother being legally bound to someone who you don’t enjoy spending time with?

I've been with hubbi over 30 years got together when I was 19 !
I feel like if u make an effort right from the beginning as a couple you tend to grow together but also encourage partner to be independent and have interests outside of being a couple !
When u put everything before yourself like children pets ect then u lose sight of each other that's when cracks start and u look for the more your after . You wouldn't feel this if you were living life fully from the beginning life's short u can't wait until kids have grown or when U have paid the mortgage! You have to seize the moment in life .
People who have affairs have no love or respect for their partners and if u want to do everything solo you obviously not compatible anymore .
Make.an effort to rebuild your connection and do simple fun stuff together x

I’m not clear on what the “more” is in this scenario?