AIBU to think some marriages fail because people want more from life?

[AmItheoddone]

So, I've name changed for this. Going through some big issues in my marriage at the moment. Love my husband very much but we met when we were 18 and we're now both in our 40s. Have kids and should have a great life if you read the paper but we are not happy. Both bored and feeling like we've missed out on some part of our life. Mentioned my problems to some people and its always assumed he has someone else. I know he doesn't but is struggling. So my question is AIBU to think that some times marriages don't fail because people fall out of love or have affairs but people just want more from life?

Yes, but most of the time what brought people together in the first place is one of either a) sexual attraction or b) the desire to settle down and have children. Very few young adults think really strategically about compatibility in a long-term partnership.

Once the desire has faded and the children have grown up there's often very little holding the marriage together. Yes there are some couples who are genuinely compatible and many more who can muddle through and rub along well enough together because the marriage suits them.

But this is why so many women get frustrated and leave when they approach menopause. Once the driving factors that kept them together have fallen away (kids, sex, money), they often realise there's very little left and you don't get much out of it other than stability. You can try to reignite a relationship with someone who you fancied a lot when you were 20 but no longer really know, and it may work, but very often there's too much drift and you are too different.

Sometimes it's fine to keep going while accepting that you're no longer the same people, but you can't blame people for feeling that they might want more.

The fact you’re having open conversations about the topic is great, keep that going.

Couples therapy could be something to help you because it sounds like you don’t hate each others guts and want to separate it just sounds like you both could use an outsiders input and professional help to get you to where you want to be.

You may not be able to travel far without the kids but start small, go out to the cinema together and for dinner, then book a night away somewhere. Start dating again.

Are there any hobbies either of you would really like to pick up? Have a think about somethings you both might want to do for yourselves and help each other make time for those.

It’s time to really step back and take stock of your life and think about what you want in it to make you happy and fulfilled. Downsizing so you have more money to travel? Both of you working fewer hours so you have more free time but would have to reign the spending in? Making sure you get in X amount of good quality family activities or trips a month?

The positive is that you’re talking and being open, keep it going.

It sounds OP like you don’t really want to fix it and be with him anymore. The good news is we live in a time when you can seperate and change your life. I did the same after a long relationship and I’ve never been happier. We only live once

The emotional grief, the upset to children, the financial implications of divorce do not necessarily equate to a happy separation. I'd work on improving things if you have a good man, a kind father. You haven't missed anything, you have what most people want.

More time apart might be what you need. So you can return to each other and have something to talk about.

That’s fine you but you are saying you haven’t fallen out of love? Surely if you don’t want to spend time together then it’s not about ‘wanting more’, because you both want that, the problem is you don’t want eachother. And that’s fair enough

This is my view too. I think the mention of travel is a bit of a red herring (or a metaphor!). I think many people outgrow their relationships and it is weird that we see that as a bad thing - everyone should keep changing and growing throughout their lives. If you have grown apart, have a talk about what the future looks like.

I agree with @Wish44 and find @Thepeopleversuswork post strange. Being with the same partner for decades doesn't mean you can't have contact with other people. Yes, you get unhealthy relationships that are abusive but they're not the norm.

Ending the marriage doesn’t change those constraints though. It just means you have to run two households with the same amount of money while your children move from home to home. Seeking fulfillment may be easier while still together.

You don't want a divorce, you want to live through your 20s again. Sorry, OP, that ship has sailed.

You can have free, unfettered travel, you just have to wait a few years until you can leave your kids behind. My parents did most of their travelling in their 50s onwards - the mortgage was paid off and they didn't have dependants.

In the meantime you can take solo weekends, or think about what's really bothering you. I suspect you have a case of "is this it?"

Spending time apart on things that interest you is normal and healthy in a relationship. If you aren't doing that, why not? And why isn't your husband?

I met DH when I was 21, I do sometimes feel like I missed out on the opportunity to "do" any adult life alone, to make selfish decisions etc. I'm 40 now and yeah, sometimes it can be a bit boring. Having said that, I think that's on us, we have a tendency to focus on our kids and home and extended families and forget about each other, we need to make the effort to ensure that doesn't happen. We also have very few shared interests, he doesn't want to ski with me and I'd rather stick pins in my eyes than watch Motorsport, so we spend a lot of time doing stuff with friends. We do try to maximise our shared interests too though, so travel and cooking etc.

I've seen a few friends end their marriages over feeling unfulfilled over the past couple of years and my take is that the grass is really as green as it seems. Financially being single is hard, only seeing your kids half the time sucks balls and many of the kids hate being between two homes (some like it, to be fair, just not all of them), the dating pool in your 40's is grim, you're still going to have work and kids so not much real freedom to travel etc. Of course there's no right or wrong, but we've definitely decided to put more effort into each other recently after years of just acting like housemates and I think it's paying off.

I met dh when I was young, we did all the mad stuff together like experiences, travelling, clubbing, meeting new (separate to each other) friends, taking up separate hobbies in our 20s, then we settled down and had kids so I think the PPs mentioning being with the same partner being the problem - isn't it.

The problem is the OP not keeping themselves 'alive' outside of the marriage from the beginning.

Work out what you'd like to do then make plans for it to happen, either on your own or with your dh but you don't need to end a marriage if you still like each other, just adapt.

Start saving, tell your dh you'd like a solo weekend away, book a hotel and and see how you go from there.

It’s not the reason I get divorced. Unless you mean by wanting ‘more’ I wanted a husband who actively communicated with me and cared about me instead of an unempathetic, selfish, debt incurring husband.

I’ve explained this before: of course you can spend time with other people but what’s the point being legally committed to someone (and, usually, living with them and sharing finances) if you don’t enjoy their company?

Whats the rationale for “working on” something which doesn’t make you happy?

I agree with you OP. Marriage isn't a fairytale and with working, parenting and managing a home, romance, fun and whimsy takes a back seat whilst we manage everything else on our plates.

I've been married for 21yrs, coming out of the other side of chasing the promotion ladder, parenting young kids and home renovation. It's easy to want more from life when you are on a grinding merry go round that doesn't stop. We are finally at a stage where we have slowed down the frenetic life, chosen what is actually important to us and having more fun together. Our marriage is better than ever.

So my question is AIBU to think that some times marriages don't fail because people fall out of love or have affairs but people just want more from life?

In your case it sounds like your marriage is failing because you have fallen out of love though. Saying that you care for each other but are both different people now is to me like saying you’ve fallen out of love. I’d never describe my feelings for my partner as ‘I care for him’ as that would be a million miles off what I feel for him. Also we have stayed in love because although I’m sure we are both different to when we met many years ago, we have changed together and still like and love each other.

I married at 18 and left when I was 29. ExH was a good, kind man, but we barely ever had sex (his choice, not mine) after our 2nd DC was born and I didn't enjoy his company in other ways. For example, he used to drone on about cars, which I have no interest in talking about. I literally asked him to stop talking about cars, but he didn't! I got to the stage where I spent a lot of time moaning to close friends about how unhappy I was. Eventually left because life is too short. He was very upset at the time, but soon met someone else he has been with ever since - as did I. We weren't suited to one another. I did feel bad about the impact on our DC, who were younger than yours when we split - but they're in their 30s now and tell me they think we handled the split well. It was amicable and we managed to avoid involving solicitors.
In short, yes, sometimes couples split because they want more from life. I wanted a sex life and a partner I enjoyed spending time with. It's not a lot to ask and, yes, life is short. In your case it's not clear to me whether you are unhappy with your relationship, or unhappy with life in general. If it's the latter, perhaps give couples counselling a go - or at least try making a real effort to connect with each other again?

Time apart is ok.

You need to individually grow as people and develop your own friends, hobbies and lives. This does not mean the end of your life together. You can still choose to come home to each other, share a life as well as the children.

What you need to think about is if you want to come home to each other? Do you still want a joint life? If not it's time to decide what you want and make steps to move to that instead.

As long as you are both ok with that, spending time apart shouldn't be an issue. If what you want is someone more compatible, who you can spend a lot of time with, doing things you both like, then you'd have to end your marriage, or be happy with a friendship group. A few of my peer group (55+) are dealing with one of them having health issues. Keeping communication open and having enough good times together, means it still works. In the future, hopefully, I'll be doing a lot of walking in cities like Lisbon, my DP is ok with that. It's selfish to expect complete companionship from your partner, if you aren't lucky enough to have the exact same health and interests.

Well, because all relationships and friendships require effort and work - either OP’s marriage is worth working on or it isn’t, that’s up to her - but I don’t think you can expect to stay in a happy long term relationship without putting in the effort to keep it that way.

We re not the same people as we were 30 years ago but we have grown and changed together, we still have our individual interests but we do new things together too

I do get where you are coming from though I guess people have ro want to change together to start with i guess

I mean I don't see how you can spend over a decade with only one person that you seek support and fulfillment with without getting bored of each other. Of course you need other people and things that interest you and I'm very cynical about the "my little family" lifestyle. It sounds dull as fuck.

People grow apart but I agree with PP that you can't just split up and go back and do what you wish you'd done in your 20s. That times over and you have to work out what will make you happier in the stage that you're at now.

I definitely think I’d feel I wanted more from life if I’d been with the same person since I was 18. I had many wild, irresponsible but really fun years in my 20s, many different partners and relationships. It’s not about having sex with different people, it’s about the life experience and freedom periods of being single bring you: travelling solo or with friends, figuring out life on your own, and also the life experience having different relationships with different people bring you, including dealing with break ups, moving on etc. But if you have a good relationship and are still in love with your husband and can still talk for hours, make each other laugh etc, still enjoy having sex then there’s no reason why you can’t make life more exciting now. If your kids are grown up and can afford it you could go travelling somewhere you’ve always wanted to go for a few months. Or find a new hobby separately, that’s just for you, or a change of career, try and carve out a more exciting life of your own. IME couples that have more independent lives from each other (to a certain extent, too much the other way and it can also go wrong) tend to be happier

You see I disagree with the idea that a marriage should be about “work”.

I think there’s a difference between the child rearing period, where you do have to lower your expectations a bit, and the period afterwards. When you are in the throes of raising small children, yes, you crack on in the interests of the kids.

Beyond that point, no. I have enough “work” in my life with my paid work and raising my kid. My marriage (I am not married but if I was) should be about support, companionship, respect, laughter, maybe sex, similar values. Not more work.

I felt like this and like you was with someone from very young - divorced at 28 - all I will say is it’s very easy to end up with same shit different person - it’s an awful lot cheaper to have a really open discussion and if finances are ok and it’s teens that make it tough , agree to have the odd 5 day breaks alone, a couple of times a year, be that with mates or on your own - make sure you have a few interests that don’t involve them , mix it up , I find people who feel like this ( and I was one) didn’t do enough ‘on their own’ and it wasn’t that the other partner ‘forbade it’ it was they created a vibe that it became an unwritten rule - at 64 I’ve realised I think honesty is the best policy but it needs to be out their in the open