To not let DS12 go to a waterpark with friends

[PumpkinPost]

DS has an opportunity to go to a water park with a group without me. He is non-sporty and not a particularly strong swimmer (in stage 4 swimming lessons). He loves water parks but has only been with me/DH.

I’ve never been particularly water confident and get a bit anxious about DC in pools - I always watch them like a hawk.I can even feel a bit nervy when they are at their swimming lessons.

I really don’t feel that comfortable letting him go to a waterpark on his own, but I don’t know if that is a reasonable judgement as his swimming is fairly weak, or whether I am projecting my own anxiety!

AIBU to think he shouldn’t go?

Yes that's how ours are set up - hence me still being getting a bit anxious even about swimming lessons as sometimes I swear DS has looked like he can barely keep his head above the water.

I will, I'm just trying to calibrate here whether my anxiety is reasonable or I'm being OTT.

It’s a scout trip in a pool? I’d be ok with that. Wild water worries me more. We did a birthday party with an inflatable at the pool and they had 4 times the usual lifeguards they have for lane swimming. Scouts will risk assess it and have a minimum number of adults per child. Volunteer to go along and help if you are really worried.

I think your anxiety is fair. We also know teens can be silly and act up in front of their mates.

Could you build up his stamina in general - what’s his diet like. Just as you mentioned about PE etc

As a swimming teacher. Experience lifeguard in a water park.

stage 4 12 year old is fine.
that kind of place will have like a 1.2m lazy river, and 8 year olds are allowed unaccompanied

i think you’re being too over cautious. There are adults and lifeguards

Oh diet, that’s a whole different thread (I’ve actually taken him to the GP to try to get help, not that I got any!)

As part of a scouts trip then yes I would let him go. He can swim, but isn’t a strong swimmer, but he doesn’t need to be for fun at a water park. Just talk over your concerns with the scout leader so they can keep an extra eye on him.

Honestly I think your anxiety is just that: anxiety. which by its nature is unreasonable. I think not allowing DS to go so you get to feel relaxed for the day instead of anxious is selfish. He loses out on a wonderful fun opportunity and will feel resentful and left out. You are putting your feelings above his. I appreciate you came on AIBU to see what others think so on some level you are aware that it might be unreasonable and you are trying to do the right thing. From me it's a definite YABU.

He's 12, there's lifeguards and adulta present yabu. Stop babying him! Why is he only stage 4 at 12 did he start lessons late? He will be fine at stage 4 as he will be able to float and swim basic

Op, I get that you’re anxious, but I was a child that wanted to bike and ski and climb and do all sorts of adventurous activities…and my mum always clipped my wings out of anxiety.

As soon as I left home, I threw myself into all of it (much to my mother’s dismay) anyway, but with zero supervision or experience.

I’m nearly 40 and I kind of still resent my mum for not allowing me to do all these things I love now at an earlier age.

Scouts risk assessment are so stringent and harsh (and rightly so) they may not even be able to take him if he can't swim 200 meters unaided and strongly

I'm not sure what stage 4 swimming is so you might need to check his abilities

However leaders will have rules and risk assessments for supervision at all points

I'd be moving him out that class and just taking him on your own

How embarrassing for him

The scout association themselves will require several risk assessments and permit holders to even allow the trip

He's not swimming the channel! Let him go and have fun with his peers.
As a fellow anxious mum your child will not thank you for your anxieties stopping him doing things

Your own frightening experience and DH's friend drowning are of course massively clouding your judgement. I totally get this.

You were happy he went caving but not to a water park - I would have been the exact opposite and panicking about the caving!

Can you talk to one of the group leaders at Scouts and explain you are feeling anxious about the trip? Also what does DH think? When I have excessive anxiety about stuff I use my DH as my voice of reason.

In all honesty it will be as safe as it can be. Water parks have trained life guards on all of the slides and flumes to keep the children as safe as possible. Nothing is without risk but to assess the risk of this? I'd say let him go.

He will be fine. It’s an organised scout trip they will have had to do a risk assessment and a safety plan. They will be supervising.

Your OP was deceptive as he’s not going “with friends”

I'm guessing the waterpark doesn't have guidelines about swimming ability?

My DN (14) hit his head off the side of a water slide, thankfully witnessed by a ride supervisor/lifeguard so was able to be picked up and taken straight to first aid (head wound and dizziness). It’s these kinds of environments where you need kids to be sensible whilst still having fun, as they won’t be watched by the scout leaders at all times, so add to that the anxiety around child’s ability in the water, I can completely understand the OPs concern. OP, You could always take him there separately if he doesn’t go on this trip, to reassure yourself that he’s ok in these environments and if he isn’t, you can show him how to be, so for next time you can confidently agree to him going?

You are way too anxious. Let him go and have some fun

If he can swim lengths and it's a supervised trip he'll be absolutely fine. I've never heard of any tragedies at this kind of waterpark. I'd say you are definitely projecting your anxieties onto him, and it's worth considering the impact on his confidence in your own internal risk assessment.

Absolutely.

This is something I've encountered in a variety of professional and volunteering settings.

We're now at the point with one group of saying, "We have done a risk assessment, it is approved by our commissioners in line with HQ policies. If you do not trust our judgment and experience, is this the group for you?" It's a shame to lose children due to their parents' anxiety and indeed they're the ones that stand most to gain, but if their parents don't trust us to look after our child with the benefit of training, experience, policy (and having parented through this life stage ourselves) what can we do to reassure them. The vast majority with legitimate concerns, or wobbles, we can reassure and there isn't an issue, but occasionally (and less rare than it was) we get some that expect us to kowtow to their irrational concerns, and repeatedly snipe and complain. We have busy lives and more important things to do than massage their demands, and we're done with that type.

I'm not saying OP is like this and I hope that in this kind of situation that we could reassure her with our risk assessment. It's the type that would not be reassured and would want us to cancel for all that we happily wave good bye to with a big sigh of relief.

I suspect that excessive anxiety is exacerbated by the ability to easily access information about incidents plus increased repetitive media coverage, and insufficient critical analysis to put them into context. Also while safety is important, risk vs benefit is a critical part of risk assessment, and aiming to eliminate all risk and seeing that as a moral virtue is misguided. It's fairly common for anxious OPs to latch on to a couple of posters validating their concerns rather than listening to the majority being pragmatic (again, not this OP) and it is likely that the ability of anxious people being able to connect over social media feeds these instincts, and increases its prevelence. #BeKind also hasn't helped when people interpret that as "validate me" and complain about critique and see it as bullying.
We recognise the risks in young people with access to social media, but it is also affecting parents themselves. Parents of younger children have also typically grown up in a more controlled post-Millenium world rather than the less regulated 20th Century society which has affected their experience of growing up with managing risk.

(I am being general. This is not about OP in particular!)

@PumpkinPost- how tall is he? You can probably look on the water parks website to see how deep the lazy river etc are. In pools like this, kids don’t really swim! They go round and round the lazy rivers, sit on bubble chairs, and go on lots of slides. As long as he can get up out of the splash pool at the bottom of the slides, he’ll be fine, it’s not like a proper swimming session. If he can stand in the lazy river, that would be not swimming, more bobbing along.

Perhaps flag to the leaders that “confidence doesn’t match ability in the water” but he can swim a length so if there was a long “splash zone” at the bottom of a slide, so eg he landed in the middle of the pool he can get to the side.

This explains it all and it absolutely is about your issues not his inability. Nor the Scouts group's risk assessing. Your risk assessing is off on this particular issue.

You then state in the next post that he is used to being out of his depth as part of his swimming lessons. So he's water confident and he is able to swim 50m. He's also 12 so will be reasonably tall rather than being teeny tiny. Reflect on this.

At some point you are going to have to let go. At 12 he should be able to do this, even if he's on the immature side. As I say it's age appropriate and it's in a controlled environment.

Unless you start to expand his experiences in controlled environments to risker situations you are setting him up for a world of bigger problems when he hits 18 or even 16.

DH gives some of his more immature scouts a responsible task, because he finds that doing this helps them develop the skills they don't have. These are the kids which would dick about. But give them a 'job' and make them feel like they have an important role and they respond to this positively. He's recently had a child with additional needs come to Scouts. He was told they couldn't cope with x, y and z. This isn't in line with what's actually happening. Indeed he's doing better than some of the kids who are capable but have a poor attitude.

Yes your son isn't a great swimmer but it sounds like he is still within his ability levels for the setting- he CAN swim and he IS water confident and it's a controlled pool environment. You need to focus on this rather than assume he's not capable because that is limiting him rather than helping mature and take responsibility for himself.

As a parent l you have a right to worry but you dont have a righ to pass suchi worry on to your child.

It would be a no from me, given all the info provided.

That said anytime we've been to an inflatable / waterpark type place mine have been swim tested (100m at one place but that was a large outdoor river type setting). Its never been age based?

I'd consider getting him a block of 1:1 lessons to help him on his swimming journey. My almost 14yo was slow with his swimming progression and this really helped him.