AIBU to keep my holiday during stepson's family crisis?

[Gish889]

DH and I share a 4 year old and he also has an older child with his ex wife who is 13, we have been together for 8 years, married for 5.

His ex had an accident a couple of weeks ago that was very serious and she has been in hospital since. We are unsure what the outcome is going to be.

It is obviously a very distressing time for DSS and for H as well.

We are doing our best to be there for DSS and he is obviously with us full time right now (and likely for a long time if not, unfortunately, forever). Obviously this change was quite sudden so we have all muddled in to work out the logistics of this change with work etc... including myself. I don't say this for a pat on the back, just to give context that I am trying to do what I can to help.

To my AIBU... I have a holiday booked with my sister, her child and our child (similar ages) in the next couple of weeks.

DH thinks I should cancel so I can be here, I would honestly still like to go.

Honestly at the moment I feel a bit like a spare part, and I don't mean for that to come across as expecting to be anything but, but I don't think there is much I can offer right now in the circumstances to warrant staying home, cancelling our holiday, losing out on the money etc ..

Holiday is only 5 days and DSS is obviously more focused on his mum and H at the minute anyway.

Am I being completely awful to still go? I think, although he won't say it out loud, H is worried about dealing with the situation alone if anything changes.

Where is it? If the worse happens would you be able to get back to support your DH and dss?

I wouldn’t leave my husband in this scenario when he’s asking me not to, and the teen too. That’s just not what partnership and family is about to me.

I just can’t imagine wanting to go away on a jolly holiday and leave my stepchild facing potential bereavement and my DH to support a grieving child alone. Sorry but I find it really callous.

That sounds like a really difficult
situation. If I was in your situation (I am also a step parent), I know that I would so want to still go and be asking the same question. I can also understand that you DH may well need your support and be scared of you not being around.

are you planning to go somewhere close enough that you could get back if you were needed?

edited to say I think there’s a very big difference between centre parks an hour away where you could easily pop back or be on hand if needed versus somewhere overseas that’s several hours away by plane.

I'd go. His father is there.

Your DH needs to fully focus on eldest right now. Might even be easier if you aren't around and give them space. YANBU.

If that were the case, he wouldn’t have asked her to stay.

It's abroad but only Europe so I could potentially get home on a 3hr flight if needed.

Yes. Completely awful.

This, I would stay home op

I wouldn’t leave my stepson at a moment like this.

He’s asked for you stay and to be with him in a really tough time. Isn’t that when we need our partners the most?

You are taking your shared child with you so DH should be able to cope on his own.

Presumably his ex has family who would handle any arrangements should the worse happen?

Surely your DH wants your support? I think it’s weird to not want to be supportive.

YANBU. It sounds like have already done as much as you can to help your DSS and I would think he might even appreciate some one-on-one time with his dad. Also it doesn’t seem fair to punish your sister and the kids, who have presumably been looking forward to the holiday.

bit surprised at this. Surely you can do the soft structure stuff like making sure there’s food and laundry gets done, beds are made, there’s some kind of normality for dss and dh? Is your four year old not at school yet? I definitely wouldn’t go, at 13 I think that could cause long term harm to your relationship with dss.

As your DH has asked you to stay he clearly needs your support just now. I couldn't ignore that and go away.

Check out your travel insurance to see if it is covered.

I dont see why you and DS should cancel to be honest. Surely your DH can look after his own son for 5 days?
What else is there to do, if the ex needs anything thats not really your problem, but for her own family and friends to support her, and your DH to some extent maybe.
Is he worried ahe might die?
Even in thus scenario I'd still go, perhaps return early if this was to happen.
FWIW, we are a blended family too and in this situation my DH would not expect that I stay. On the contrary, he is a very practical person and the type to tell me to go as planned as he wouldnt want his child nor me to lose out on a planned and looked forward to holiday. Especially not if I'm going to be sitting around like a spare part.

unfortunately you going on holiday isn't going to change the outcome of what is happening

This is a long haul and your lives will have to continue in some format. Dis has his dad, where are your ups parents and wider family?

You will need the holiday and it will do you good, you'll come back refreshed ready to go again. Support network need their breaks, otherwise they will fail to support

If you would like to go then go. Your husband is with his son. The worst may not happen and you can be back in 3 hours as you say.

My thinking was that it doesn't really change a lot right now for DSS, or H really, me not being here. Typically at the moment DSS is either at the hospital with his grandparents or he's with DH who has been taking him on a lot of walks and things like that to get him out of the house or playing games in his room with him, chatting etc...

I am really just keeping 4yo occupied at the moment while they spend time together.

DSS would probably like having his dad to himself those 5 days.

It's an opportunity for them to talk whilst knowing there's no one else in the house and no 4 year old will come tearing in.

Your poor DSS!! Go on your holiday and leave him with his dad, you obviously care more about the holiday than you do your DSS

What a difficult time for you all ❤️. I try to take advice for myself that I would give to someone else, so if I were in your shoes I'd be cancelling the holiday but looking at it objectively, I'd be saying, please go, if your lives are going to be turned upside down with your dss moving in permanently (hopefully mum will recoverwell) then this holiday will be about focusing on your other child and giving them a holiday and your time, they are too young to understand what's going on. You can still be there for your dh even when you are away, please take care

I am really just keeping 4yo occupied at the moment while they spend time together.

And that's en enormous help. You would also disappount your sister and her child if you don't go. Your sister would understand but she would have spent money on a holiday and it not be what she had hoped.