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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to keep my holiday during stepson's family crisis?

301 replies

Gish889 · 04/09/2026 19:28

DH and I share a 4 year old and he also has an older child with his ex wife who is 13, we have been together for 8 years, married for 5.

His ex had an accident a couple of weeks ago that was very serious and she has been in hospital since. We are unsure what the outcome is going to be.

It is obviously a very distressing time for DSS and for H as well.

We are doing our best to be there for DSS and he is obviously with us full time right now (and likely for a long time if not, unfortunately, forever). Obviously this change was quite sudden so we have all muddled in to work out the logistics of this change with work etc... including myself. I don't say this for a pat on the back, just to give context that I am trying to do what I can to help.

To my AIBU... I have a holiday booked with my sister, her child and our child (similar ages) in the next couple of weeks.

DH thinks I should cancel so I can be here, I would honestly still like to go.

Honestly at the moment I feel a bit like a spare part, and I don't mean for that to come across as expecting to be anything but, but I don't think there is much I can offer right now in the circumstances to warrant staying home, cancelling our holiday, losing out on the money etc ..

Holiday is only 5 days and DSS is obviously more focused on his mum and H at the minute anyway.

Am I being completely awful to still go? I think, although he won't say it out loud, H is worried about dealing with the situation alone if anything changes.

OP posts:
DryadsRest · 05/09/2026 21:40

i think you’re being given way too much of a hard time

sounds like SS has loving dad and grandparents. You’re not abandoning him if you go away for 5 days. 4 year old children need attention too, and you might actually be being helpful by going away by allowing SS and your husband to focus on each other - literally giving them more space

I think if you had worded it differently like am IABU to go away with sister for 5 days allowing husband and stepson and grandparents more space you may have received more sympathy. It’s an unknown situation isn’t it ? Whether you’re there or not doesn’t sound like it’s very important on your SS list of priorities. Which is understandable as he has the support of lots of family

the word holiday sounds like you’ll be abandoing them to go and live it up, whilst someone dies!

flapjackfairy · 05/09/2026 21:47

DryadsRest · 05/09/2026 21:40

i think you’re being given way too much of a hard time

sounds like SS has loving dad and grandparents. You’re not abandoning him if you go away for 5 days. 4 year old children need attention too, and you might actually be being helpful by going away by allowing SS and your husband to focus on each other - literally giving them more space

I think if you had worded it differently like am IABU to go away with sister for 5 days allowing husband and stepson and grandparents more space you may have received more sympathy. It’s an unknown situation isn’t it ? Whether you’re there or not doesn’t sound like it’s very important on your SS list of priorities. Which is understandable as he has the support of lots of family

the word holiday sounds like you’ll be abandoing them to go and live it up, whilst someone dies!

well it is a holiday so not sure what point you are making ! ?
And at the end of the day her husband wants her to stay to support him in a dreadful situation. It doesn't matter who else can offer support he wants his wife there. End of . The stepson may have plenty of support but her husband needs her and has said he wants her to stay so that should be an end to any debate surely.

Starseeking · 05/09/2026 22:14

Leopardheart01 · 04/09/2026 19:42

You sound a bit cold and like you don’t care much for your DSS. “Unfortunately” he may be with us forever. Blimey! I never understand this separation of his family and my family when people blend families, you married a man who had a child, the child wasn’t that much older than your son when you came into his life. You are married, he IS your family and his crisis is your crisis. He might be about to lose his mum by the sounds of it and you want to still go on holiday? If you really feel like that’s more important then go, your DSS will get the message.

I took OP’s “unfortunately” to mean that the DSS’s mum might die from this accident, resulting in him living with them all full-time forever, not that the OP did not want DSS with them at all.

Lisst · 05/09/2026 22:23

DragonsFurry · 05/09/2026 20:45

You should go on your holiday and your DH needs to make arrangements to look after his son..

What arrangement would you make for a child losing his mother? Also, the DH might be losing his ex wife and the mother of his child. He will need some type of emotional support. I'd leave if I was in your husband's situation, and had asked you to stay.

NorthSouthLondon · 05/09/2026 23:00

MidnightPatrol · 04/09/2026 20:39

I actually think it might be nice for DSS to have some 1-2-1 time with his dad.

You sound generally supportive and caring, this could go on for a while by the sounds of things, life must go on.

This is a strange way of phrasing things.

On one hand, what can truly be "nice" to a kid who is at risk of losing his mother and knows that? Is that really the right word? Is he supposed to enjoy that time? He had such a nice quality time with his dad, while waiting to see if his mother would survive... How odd...
It sounds so inappropriate given how tragic the situation his.

Generally caring and supportive, when not inconvenient, and not necessarily when needed the most, would be a big red flag for many.
Dependently on the person the husband is, and what they want in a relationship, life might well end up going on, but with changes.

Bunny65 · 05/09/2026 23:50

If your husband was still married to his son's mother he would be on his own in this situation. As it is he has had you to support him. I don't think you are being unreasonable at all to go ahead with this little preplanned break. I am also thinking there must be other family around on the mother's side and his own to help you both. At least one would hope so.

DryadsRest · 06/09/2026 00:06

flapjackfairy · 05/09/2026 21:47

well it is a holiday so not sure what point you are making ! ?
And at the end of the day her husband wants her to stay to support him in a dreadful situation. It doesn't matter who else can offer support he wants his wife there. End of . The stepson may have plenty of support but her husband needs her and has said he wants her to stay so that should be an end to any debate surely.

Show quote history

Going away with a 4 year old and your sister if you’re close to her could be a very important thing to the OP. At the moment she is describing herself as a spare part in respect to the situation at home.

maybe a compromise that she cuts the holiday short if she needs to would be best. It is only 5 days though I assume her husband is going to work in the day time and not putting everything on hold at the moment

Namechangee11 · 06/09/2026 00:41

You really are unreasonable. He is 13, he may lose his Mum, even if he doesn't, this is as bad as things get for this young boy. I cannot believe you would even consider it... This is a child you chose to have in your life. He did not have any choice so do your best for him.

IamHelene · 06/09/2026 00:49

I am in agreement with those writing that the OP should stay. For the many reasons given, this is not the time for a holiday. That’s my opinion but I feel that the OP has actually already decided that she will go.

Trillie · 06/09/2026 03:52

I can’t imagine why you would want to go. Your stepson might lose his mother and you’ll be off enjoying yourself? That will be something he’ll remember. Your husband clearly needs your support, that should be enough to put it off.

ScaramoucheCanYouDoTheFandango · 06/09/2026 04:19

This young boys life is about to be turned upside down, and as a result you are going to be a full time stepmum.

In the darkest of times I would want to show him that he is safe and has a secure home waiting where his family, which includes you in a key role, is right there to support him.

While I would be obviously disappointed missing out on my holiday it wouldn’t really be a hard decision.

Truetoself · 06/09/2026 06:18

if you can’t be there for your husband when he said he needs you - what is the point of your partnership?

Jumpers4goalposts · 06/09/2026 07:28

It’s a tough one. I think I would stay. Your DH has asked, which makes me think it’s him that needs the support from you. Is DSS’s mum at risk of dying? If so I would definitely stay as, and going would likely damage relationships long term.

TheGardenPond · 06/09/2026 09:25

I think it might be nice for your DSS to have his dad to himself for a few days.

ThisJadeHelper · 06/09/2026 09:27

Your DSS may be about to go through the absolute worst moment of his life, and therefore your husband the same. Your DH asked you to stay as presumably he needs the emotional support and you want to go on vacation??? Let me ask you this…If his ex passed on the day you were supposed to leave, would you still go???

PouringCream · 06/09/2026 09:38

Leopardheart01 · 04/09/2026 19:42

You sound a bit cold and like you don’t care much for your DSS. “Unfortunately” he may be with us forever. Blimey! I never understand this separation of his family and my family when people blend families, you married a man who had a child, the child wasn’t that much older than your son when you came into his life. You are married, he IS your family and his crisis is your crisis. He might be about to lose his mum by the sounds of it and you want to still go on holiday? If you really feel like that’s more important then go, your DSS will get the message.

I think she said ‘unfortunately’ because he’ll only be living with the OP and his dad if the mum dies or is so badly disabled that she’s permanently in some care facility! Not that she doesn’t want her stepson living with them!

BrillantBriony · 06/09/2026 11:22

Havent read all the responses, but maybe consider this scenario. You and your current husband separate, you get remarried. You have an accident such as your husbands ex-wife, your ‘new’ DH has a holiday booked with his brother. In that scenario do you think it’s good/OK for your DH to go on holiday? TBH I’m in the middle your decision of whether to go or not is more about your relationship dynamics. But obviously your decision sets a standard. Sending hope for the ex-wife to recover.

Timeforachange26 · 06/09/2026 11:26

BrillantBriony · 06/09/2026 11:22

Havent read all the responses, but maybe consider this scenario. You and your current husband separate, you get remarried. You have an accident such as your husbands ex-wife, your ‘new’ DH has a holiday booked with his brother. In that scenario do you think it’s good/OK for your DH to go on holiday? TBH I’m in the middle your decision of whether to go or not is more about your relationship dynamics. But obviously your decision sets a standard. Sending hope for the ex-wife to recover.

That's a different scenario. That would be the husband who lived with her, same as if DSSS mother had a partner.

Would you expect your EX HUSBANDS new wife to not have the holiday as that's the equivalent

ACynicalDad · 06/09/2026 11:28

I’d have a chat with your husband and be led by him.

BrillantBriony · 06/09/2026 11:34

Timeforachange26 · 06/09/2026 11:26

That's a different scenario. That would be the husband who lived with her, same as if DSSS mother had a partner.

Would you expect your EX HUSBANDS new wife to not have the holiday as that's the equivalent

Show quote history

Thank you! I’m tying to imagine this scenario the other way round! Think I need another coffee pronto.

GenerationX1969 · 06/09/2026 21:04

I can’t believe so many people are saying it’s OK to go!
You need to stay and support your DH and DSS
DH has asked you to stay - he needs you
Dont be so selfish!

AlexStocks · 07/09/2026 03:54

Sounds like your husband is asking you to stay during a terribly stressful time for him. He probably needs you there, if fo no other reason than consistency during a troubling time.. Why wouldn't you stay?

andsoitis26 · 07/09/2026 04:16

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Gossipisgood · 07/09/2026 14:40

Explain to your husband that you'd still like to go as you feel you need the break & your 4 year old probably does to as they'll pick up on the vibes at home & it'd be nice for them to have a little holiday with their cousin. Make it clear though that if anything happens you will get home as quick as possible & you are only a phone call away if DH or DSS needs to talk with you. Let him know that you're there for them both even though you're not at home with them if you do go..

ALovelyPinkUnicorn · 08/09/2026 16:10

Gossipisgood · 07/09/2026 14:40

Explain to your husband that you'd still like to go as you feel you need the break & your 4 year old probably does to as they'll pick up on the vibes at home & it'd be nice for them to have a little holiday with their cousin. Make it clear though that if anything happens you will get home as quick as possible & you are only a phone call away if DH or DSS needs to talk with you. Let him know that you're there for them both even though you're not at home with them if you do go..

This, if the dh and dss are rightly so spending all the time together, is op wanted there as a person, or to be there for meals and cleaning?