AIBU to keep my holiday during stepson's family crisis?

[Gish889]

DH and I share a 4 year old and he also has an older child with his ex wife who is 13, we have been together for 8 years, married for 5.

His ex had an accident a couple of weeks ago that was very serious and she has been in hospital since. We are unsure what the outcome is going to be.

It is obviously a very distressing time for DSS and for H as well.

We are doing our best to be there for DSS and he is obviously with us full time right now (and likely for a long time if not, unfortunately, forever). Obviously this change was quite sudden so we have all muddled in to work out the logistics of this change with work etc... including myself. I don't say this for a pat on the back, just to give context that I am trying to do what I can to help.

To my AIBU... I have a holiday booked with my sister, her child and our child (similar ages) in the next couple of weeks.

DH thinks I should cancel so I can be here, I would honestly still like to go.

Honestly at the moment I feel a bit like a spare part, and I don't mean for that to come across as expecting to be anything but, but I don't think there is much I can offer right now in the circumstances to warrant staying home, cancelling our holiday, losing out on the money etc ..

Holiday is only 5 days and DSS is obviously more focused on his mum and H at the minute anyway.

Am I being completely awful to still go? I think, although he won't say it out loud, H is worried about dealing with the situation alone if anything changes.

I'd sit down with your DH this weekend and talk it over. Personally, I think that giving your DSS time alone with your DH, without his little brother competing for his Dad's time, could be good for him. Especially as that seems to be the dynamic already, your DH taking his eldest out while you occupy your 4-year-old. But talk it through with him.

OMG! Some of these replies are shocking! You think the the husband only wants his wife to stay so he doesn’t have to do any parenting?? You think that he’ll have a lovely few days with his son if the wife and son go away?? What, while his son’s mother is fighting for her life in hospital! Yes I’m sure they’ll have a wonderful time. 😳.
Sometimes you just need your partner there for a hug or a chat when life is tough. My husband has been there for me through many crap times over the last few years. As I have for him. And we’ve had to cancel a few holidays. We haven’t been able to go over for four years because of things we’ve been dealing with. Neither of us would have swanned off and left the other coping alone. That’s just what family does.

If you don’t need to make the decision now then I’d wait another week however I don’t think I would go.
I'm going to make the assumption that your DH has asked you to cancel because he wants your support and is worried about potentially having to tell his DS that their mother has died or won’t fully recover etc and that’s he’s not asked you to stay because you are keeping the house etc.
I also think this could destroy your relationship with DSS, if something happens whilst you’re away he might never forgive you for being on holiday instead of supporting him and his dad.
saying that, he is old enough to have conversation about this, maybe he would prefer some 121 time with his dad? Or maybe he would prefer you stayed too, I think it’s worth a chat.
Could your sister take the 4 year old? Or your mother? They are too young to understand what’s going on and might be good for your bond with DSS if you don’t need to focus as much on 4 year old for a few days

Would he be able to pay for you and your sister to go another time, or is he just wanting you to cancel and lose the money?

I think this is one of the times the DSS will look back on and think about who was there for him. I think if I were you I’d stay. Even if you feel you’re not doing much, children pick up on who is there when it matters and who isn’t.

I wonder whether he actually "asked" OP not to go or whether he just said she shouldnt go. To me thats makes a difference.

I think its understandable that people have different opinions about this as every family functions in a different way and relationships are experienced differently.

I wouldnt be impressed if my husband told me I should cancel the planned 5 day holiday. Unless I really was needed at home for some reason. I dont personally see a reason here.

You are terrible to contemplate this. Your H and your DSS need support, whatever form that takes, actively making meals / driving to hospital or just being in the right place at the right time in case someone needs a hug.

Don't be so selfish. Holidays can be had another time. they are also meaningless.

How you act now will steer the course of your future relationship with your DSS. Now is the time to be supportive and act as a reassuring presence. Personally I would cancel.

I think it would be okay to go on the holiday if your husband agreed. As he wants you to stay, however, I'd probably stay. At least discuss with him why you thought time alone might be good for him and DSS and listen to his thoughts. I'm assuming you've already done this, though, so in the end I'd bow to his wishes. If there's a chance his ex may die or learn something catastrophically life-changing about her prognosis while you're away, I can see why your husband would want you to skip the holiday.

I would find he has grand parents too

you really think her husband is thinking about money at a time like this ?

I'd still go. It will be good for them to have the peace and the time together.

It wasn’t clear to me, I’ve probably spent to much time on MN

I’m not ‘one of those types’ I obviously misunderstood

so its not enough of a reason that he has asked her not to go because he needs her ?

If I were your husband, and you left for a European holiday in this situation after I had asked you not to, I don't know if I could ever forgive you. It would certainly tell me where your priorities lay.

I misunderstood the ‘unfortunately’ so I do apologise for that

Your husband wants you to stay so stay. It was hard enough parenting my nearly teen through his grandpa's death, I imagine if it has been his actual parent's it would have been 1000s of times harder. Or do you care as little for your husband as you do for you step son?

im so sorry for this absolutely awful situation.

I don’t think what you propose is unreasonable. But if my husband asked me to stay in these circumstances, that is what I would do. I’d follow his lead and needs.
wishing a positive outcome for the DSS‘s mother.

I’m surprised at the voting. I think that going and having a nice holiday when dss mum/dh exw is potentially going to die in tragic circumstances leaving a child behind just seems callous. I do think there is stuff you can “do” whilst your DH and dss are struggling with this - anything from mundane housework to just being there.

All the OP has said is that her DH thinks she should cancel so that she can “be here”. She is guessing that he’s worried about dealing with the situation alone if anything changes. If that happened while she was away, she would come home. Surely that’s enough?

Go if you don’t mind your DH and DSS getting the message you don’t really care about what they’re going through. If she dies and you’re away, is your DH not likely to need or want your support?

Sounds like it doesn’t make a difference if you’re home or on holiday as your husband is keeping his two children apart at the moment. It’s quite selfish for your husband to ask you not to have a break.

It’s only 5 days and that would be a good time for your DH and DSS to spend time together and discuss things away from the 4 year old. It’s also a good time for your son to have some fun and a break from the difficult home life at the moment.

If you did go, could you guys afford to get a cleaner in before you go away, and the day after you come back, and maybe you could buy in or batch cook some food for while you're away? I would normally be much more "they should be self sufficient" but now isn't the time for that, and if it meant you got away and we're able to decompress for a bit, it would probably be worth it.

no it isn't. The flight is 3 hours and that is just the flight, add in flight times and journey either end and it cold be 12 to 24 hours before she could get home. When you need someone you need them NOW