AIBU to keep my holiday during stepson's family crisis?

[Gish889]

DH and I share a 4 year old and he also has an older child with his ex wife who is 13, we have been together for 8 years, married for 5.

His ex had an accident a couple of weeks ago that was very serious and she has been in hospital since. We are unsure what the outcome is going to be.

It is obviously a very distressing time for DSS and for H as well.

We are doing our best to be there for DSS and he is obviously with us full time right now (and likely for a long time if not, unfortunately, forever). Obviously this change was quite sudden so we have all muddled in to work out the logistics of this change with work etc... including myself. I don't say this for a pat on the back, just to give context that I am trying to do what I can to help.

To my AIBU... I have a holiday booked with my sister, her child and our child (similar ages) in the next couple of weeks.

DH thinks I should cancel so I can be here, I would honestly still like to go.

Honestly at the moment I feel a bit like a spare part, and I don't mean for that to come across as expecting to be anything but, but I don't think there is much I can offer right now in the circumstances to warrant staying home, cancelling our holiday, losing out on the money etc ..

Holiday is only 5 days and DSS is obviously more focused on his mum and H at the minute anyway.

Am I being completely awful to still go? I think, although he won't say it out loud, H is worried about dealing with the situation alone if anything changes.

@seahorsessky when DHs dad was dying he really needed me emotionally. Not for chores I might add.

I took the “unfortunately” as the ex wife may die or be incapacitated.

I agree on the unfortunately. I’m sure op
meant unfortunately for the dss and mum.

Not unfortunately for herself.

well why wouldn't you do the grunt work under the circumstances? Surely most people would be happy to support their DH in whatever capacity they could.
Some of these comments are bonkers !

I’m not sure I could leave them. I understand where you’re coming from but I’d feel guilty going for a holiday and couldn’t relax knowing what they were dealing with.

He is telling you he needs you there with him, you need to cancel and stay home .

A lot of sanctimonious performative comments on here OP..if your role has been to care for your own child during this..then you can do that on holiday. You don’t have to mime sorrow ..you can think life is short ..I will take this experience and be a caring person.

A looming death is exactly the time to remember to live. What help is your husband wanting in those 5 days…is it housework, childcare cover etc.., if it’s emotional support you will be able to talk at the end of your respective days..on the telephone quite intimately in a more protected way from DSS’ hearing.

Take the lesson about life and live every moment well. DSS will need your support in his days and years ahead but these days are yours to enjoy

The OP herself says she thinks her DH is worried about the fact the ex wife may die and wants support for that. I think that is a completely normal thing.

Even the grunt needs a break and it’s 5 days op says she could fly back in 3 hours should the worst happen.

Is your husband panicking over how he will manage of the worst happens while you are gone? Maybe he needs someone to lean on

I'd still go. I would tell your husband that you aren't going to disappoint your child, your sister and her child, or waste all that money because his ex has had an accident.
That you understand and accept that things are likely to change and that he may well be living with you, and that it's a serious situation and that you are sympathetic. That doesn't mean you are going to cancel something that's already booked. He can take the opportunity to spend quality time with his son. There is nothing you can actually help with at home, and you are going to try and keep things as normal as possible. Especially if life is about to change a lot anyway

It's obvious the 'Unfortunately he may live with us forever' is not meant to mean the OP doesn't want him but that the poor lad won't live with his mum anymore because she'd had passed away! Poorly worded but does not read that she wouldn't want him there.

Anyway I would cancel. There will be more holiday opportunities in future but your DSS will remember this haunting experience forever and whilst you might not be giving much obvious support you are currently stability when his world has flipped on it's head. This opportunity to show your DSS that you are there for him no matter what is not going to have a redo button whereas a holiday does. Can your youngest go with sister without you?
I am a step parent and it's understandable you'd be disappointed to miss out on the holiday but I always imagine what I'd want for my biological children if they were in the same situation and that would be everyone pulling together and supporting him.
Your DH will also need support, watching your childs heart break and their whole world smash to pieces is extremely tough.

Poor kid, and what an incredibly difficult situation for everyone. I imagine your dh is panicking and wondering how to manage it all. I can understand him wanting you there just for his peace of mind knowing he can come to you for a hug and a chat if needed.

I can also see your point that you might not be needed.

What does your sister think? Could she take someone else instead of you eg your mum or another friend?

It's only a few days.

Hmmm, I don’t think you should go tbh, it would be selfish and heartless. Your DH wants you to stay, presumably for support. Your DSS while not really thinking about anything other than his mum right now I’m sure, will certainly be aware and judge you further down the line. His mum is in hospital, and may pass away from what you say, and you want to go on holiday? Doesn’t look or sound good does it? Somewhat uncaring even… Suck it up and cancel, I’m sure in the circs your DSis will understand, I would certainly hope so anyway..

If a DH wrote this thread and said his wife wanted support in case her ex DH died but he would rather go on holiday he would be ripped apart!

sanctimonious performative posts !
Well most people want to do.whatever we can to support those we love. Especially if they tell us they need us there.
What a cynical attitude that you think her DH wants to Squeeze a bit of extra childcare out of her !

yes absolutely.

Sorry not caught up with all replies yet but just need to clarify that my unfortunately living with us forever was about it being an unfortunate situation for DSS that he may not be able to live with his mum again due to this, not because I don't want him here!!

Admittedly not worded well.

I would go as you have made a commitment to your sister and the children. Come back if anything further happens, but I think your younger child would benefit from being away from the situation and your husband can just concentrate on his older child.

You have only been looking after your younger child anyway so you may as well do that’s and not cancel the holiday, disappoint your sister and lose money.

Your step son is obviously focused on his mum and dad as you have said.

I would go. DSS has his grandparents and his father. The situation is presumably unsettling for your DS too, so I'd want to keep the planned holiday to have some quality time with him.

I might be more reluctant if it was the kind of place with very few flights. But if it's the kind of place you could get back quickly if needed, I would go unless she passes away beforehand or that seems imminent.

Unless DSS is really upset by the prospect?

I got what you mean. The situation is unfortunate, no doubt.

That's a bit harsh. OP isn't going clubbing in Ibiza, she is taking their 4 year old for a holiday with family. Her DSS has his mother's family and his father with him. In effect OP will be taking a 4 year old who won't understand the situation out of the equation for a few days, which may even be beneficial to her DSS. It sounds like this is going to be an ongoing situation and OP will be around to support long term.

The holiday is in 2 weeks, a lot can change in that time. You don't need to make the decision right now. If there's no change by then, then no reason to think things will change in those 5 days. There may be improvement, there may be deterioration, those 2 weeks will make things clearer.

That’s what the OP says