AIBU to keep my holiday during stepson's family crisis?

[Gish889]

DH and I share a 4 year old and he also has an older child with his ex wife who is 13, we have been together for 8 years, married for 5.

His ex had an accident a couple of weeks ago that was very serious and she has been in hospital since. We are unsure what the outcome is going to be.

It is obviously a very distressing time for DSS and for H as well.

We are doing our best to be there for DSS and he is obviously with us full time right now (and likely for a long time if not, unfortunately, forever). Obviously this change was quite sudden so we have all muddled in to work out the logistics of this change with work etc... including myself. I don't say this for a pat on the back, just to give context that I am trying to do what I can to help.

To my AIBU... I have a holiday booked with my sister, her child and our child (similar ages) in the next couple of weeks.

DH thinks I should cancel so I can be here, I would honestly still like to go.

Honestly at the moment I feel a bit like a spare part, and I don't mean for that to come across as expecting to be anything but, but I don't think there is much I can offer right now in the circumstances to warrant staying home, cancelling our holiday, losing out on the money etc ..

Holiday is only 5 days and DSS is obviously more focused on his mum and H at the minute anyway.

Am I being completely awful to still go? I think, although he won't say it out loud, H is worried about dealing with the situation alone if anything changes.

I would go. I thought you were going to say it was a girls holiday and you were leaving your youngest with DH.

DSS will probably appreciate having his dad to himself for a little bit. There might be some stuff or emotions he’d like to share with just his dad.

Go and let dad have 1-1 time with his kid

No, if a man wrote in saying he was taking his 4 year old on holiday with his sibling and nephew whilst his wife took care of her 13year old, he would be told it's a good opportunity for his wife to bond with her son.

Not if the wife had said she needed him there for support ! He would rightly be criticised for it . Typical MN double standards as usual.

I’d wait until the week before and cancel then if anything changes for the worse. You can’t just be on high alert for ever.

That's what I understood you to mean. Poor lad.

There are positives and negatives to going.

If you go, leave them food, washing done etc.

You left the bit out about a potential death & the wife asking him to stay but perhaps you are new to MNs!

Can you ask DSS what he needs? He may prefer a quiet house/no bouncy 4yo or he may want to play with his sibling to take his mind off it

Have you told your sis (sorry if j missed!) What does she say

yes but you can go on holiday anytime . This is a family crisis with her husband saying he needs his wife's support . I cant understand how anyone could even consider going under those circumstances.

@Gish889 You know your dh. If he's like most men he doesn't want you to go because you make his life easier dealing with everything practical at home (dinners/laundry/cleaning etc). He spends his time with his 13 y o (rightly so) and you spend time with your 4 y old so nothing will really change if you go and it's only 5 days. Also it's not a short time crisis so it would be good if you can get away to get some energy in order to support everyone at home. I'm team go!

Depends how long the current is going to be for. It’s been weeks so far they could be living in this limbo for mere days or months more yet.

It’s pre booked I doubt insurance will pay out for husbands ex wife being in hospital and certainly not for her sister and her child. It’s normally got to be someone directly related to you and closely.

As someone who has lived through this situation in a blended family I think you should cancel the holiday. If your DH's ex dies it will be devastating for your DSS and life-changing for your DH. Being on holiday when it happens, knowing that it could happen, would IMO damage your relationship with both of them irreparably. I do understand your reluctance to cancel if you feel that you won't be any practical help, but if your DH has asked you to stay then you should show him the support he has asked for.

What an awful situation for everyone.

I can see the merit to taking your son away to leave your dh and his son with a bit of peace and quiet, but if your dh is asking you to stay that changes things. You probably need to talk through the situation/ reassure him you would return if things took a downward turn. If he still really wants you to stay I think I would stay.

well some things are more important than money.
We will have to agree to disagree because we are poles apart on this.

Your DH has asked you not to go, leaving him with a potentially bereaved DS. You should cancel. Your DH needs your support and your DSS needs his brother/sister with him at this awful time.

The fact that you'd be taking your 4 yo with you on the holiday seems a good reason still to go. Your dh needs to be able to devote his time primarily to his older son at the moment and your younger ds is too young to understand or appreciate the need for this, or to cope with the dynamics of the grief if the worst is to happen.
Taking your younger one away for a few days seems like it could be the best thing for everyone here.

Is there another family member who could take your 4 year old on holiday with your sister? Could be helpful if your 4 year old could still have a lovely time with her cousin and aunty on holiday if she could still go? Then you could focus all attention on dh and step son

Sounds like your husband really wants you around for support, and I think 3 hours flight away is actually quite a long time in an emergency

I don't think I could go in this scenario if dh had asked me not to

I can't really say either way without knowing the condition and prognosis but your DH wants you to stay so I'd stay based on that.

It seems to have passed you by that your DH has asked you to stay (thinks you should cancel is the polite, not begging, way of saying this). You need to stay.

I don't have step children but I cannot see myself going on holiday in this scenario. If she died while you were away, your husband and step child would need your support.
I'd try to imagine how you'd feel if you and DH split, and how heartbroken and terrified your child would be if he became similarly injured or unwell, and also how upset you might be in that situation too even if you moved on.

(and likely for a long time if not, unfortunately, forever). There needs to be a step-parent course that highlights that this is always a possibility; and if you think it's unfortunate, you should find a child free spouse.

To your AIBU - yes. Your husband has expressly asked for you to be with him in a difficult time. That's the point of a loved one.
You say hos son is currently stuck to him and he's presumably anxious about the future. Having his person there with him to hug, lean against, talk with or just exist in companionable silence, may be just what he needs right now.

I would go on the holiday .
the stepson wants his mum and dad - not you. So it doesn’t matter if you’re there or not .

I would have thought getting the 4 year old out of the way so father and son could have a quiet few days together would actually be a good thing.

Your selfish. Obviously never had to tell a child their parent has died or heard the scream from the child that comes from that. If you don’t care for your step son that much then at least consider your husband because your husbands heart will break watching his son go through that.

If your husband wanted you to go it would be fine, but he is going through a very difficult time and he has asked for your support. I imagine he wants your emotional support should the worst happen. YABU.