AIBU to keep my holiday during stepson's family crisis?

[Gish889]

DH and I share a 4 year old and he also has an older child with his ex wife who is 13, we have been together for 8 years, married for 5.

His ex had an accident a couple of weeks ago that was very serious and she has been in hospital since. We are unsure what the outcome is going to be.

It is obviously a very distressing time for DSS and for H as well.

We are doing our best to be there for DSS and he is obviously with us full time right now (and likely for a long time if not, unfortunately, forever). Obviously this change was quite sudden so we have all muddled in to work out the logistics of this change with work etc... including myself. I don't say this for a pat on the back, just to give context that I am trying to do what I can to help.

To my AIBU... I have a holiday booked with my sister, her child and our child (similar ages) in the next couple of weeks.

DH thinks I should cancel so I can be here, I would honestly still like to go.

Honestly at the moment I feel a bit like a spare part, and I don't mean for that to come across as expecting to be anything but, but I don't think there is much I can offer right now in the circumstances to warrant staying home, cancelling our holiday, losing out on the money etc ..

Holiday is only 5 days and DSS is obviously more focused on his mum and H at the minute anyway.

Am I being completely awful to still go? I think, although he won't say it out loud, H is worried about dealing with the situation alone if anything changes.

I actually think it might be nice for DSS to have some 1-2-1 time with his dad.

You sound generally supportive and caring, this could go on for a while by the sounds of things, life must go on.

I couldn’t do this to my husband or my stepson, especially if your husband has said he wants you to stay. If the worst happens, your stepson will never forgive you.

Sounds far more sensible to me that you go.

You will still be keeping the 4 yo occupied, just at another location with your sister and her DC for company.

I’m not sure why your DH is against it honestly!

He’s your husband and he has asked for your support in a really horrible time. You’d be really unkind to leave him. He needs moral support and possibly practical support. He’s asked for that and you’d be really unreasonable to go away.

Your husband has asked you to stay because he needs your support. You should stay.

Totally agree. I think in those circs, its not so much what you do as the fact that you are actually there.

No, I think he’d be told well done for keeping the 4 yo occupied leaving his wife free to be there for the older child!

Not to mention all the background work around the house - I imagine and man in the OP’s position would be getting a gold star!

No YANBU. Speak to DH again and be clear that if he really needs you you can come back at the drop of a hat but that your own DC and you need the break and a bit of headspace. And that this might actually be a good thing for him and his son.

As an aside, last year my MIL was ill in hospital, she had been for months but seemed to be rallying. My husband was determined that we should still go on holiday, or my son and me should go without him. I made the decision that none of us would go and just as well as she went downhill while we would have been away and died two days before we were due back. It was the thought of her being really unwell and us being a flight away that made me decide to cancel. I don’t regret cancelling, we were where we needed to be, and I needed to be by my husband’s side to support him, as he would be if it was the other way round.

My comment really wasn’t based on the holiday it was more her attitude to her DSS

he is obviously with us full time right now (and likely for a long time if not, unfortunately, forever).

Whilst you being around may not change the outcome, your DH needs support and has asked you for that. I wouldn't dream of leaving my DH for a jolly when he and his son are struggling.
Holidays will always be there.....

I read the unfortunately forever as referring to the mother unfortunately not surviving or never recovering enough to have her son living with her.

It was clear to me from this post that "unfortunately" referred to the DSS's mum dying, not to him living with OP. And OP has been back to clarify that.

Does your dh want you to stay so you can parent his child or is he the one taking time off work and parenting him full time? I suspect he wants you to stay so his life doesn’t change and DSS parenting is mainly done by you?

Go and have a lovely holiday:) dh and his son can have a lovely few days together and it’ll do his son good to have him all to himself

You’re clearly one of those types that always thinks the worst of people. The OP clearly meant ‘unfortunately’ for her DSS, as in, his mother might eventually die.

Your husband has asked you to stay.

If it was the other way round with a man wanting to go on holiday he would have been ripped apart on here.

I think it’s pretty unforgivable to go. This is not an elderly relative dying with lots of relatives to support them and each other

How is DSS going to think of you knowing you were drinks cocktails by the pool whilst his mum lay dying? He especially needs a strong family unit around him and DH is going to need support being the primary support for his son.

Things may change in the next couple of weeks; I wouldn't make a decision now.

They both need you. Go another time

I'd not cancel

Leave the teenager wirh his father.
Your 4 year old can enjoy his holiday

I would 100% be going. . . Maybe I’m just a selfish cow … 🤣… go. Just go. X

Go, it will give DH and DSS more space.

Especially if the situation is long term, space apart to reflect and spend quality time 1-1 with both kids is going to be really important to make this work as a family.

This child is potentially only going to have you to look at as a female role model. I’d stay because I think the impact of you went & something happened to his mum would be large.

DH is understandably anxious about handling a difficult situation. I actually think it would be better for you to be absent while the situation develops, obviously on the understanding that you would be within reach 24/7 if needed.

It would almost certainly benefit the DSS to have his father to himself for those five days.