AIBU to keep my holiday during stepson's family crisis?

[Gish889]

DH and I share a 4 year old and he also has an older child with his ex wife who is 13, we have been together for 8 years, married for 5.

His ex had an accident a couple of weeks ago that was very serious and she has been in hospital since. We are unsure what the outcome is going to be.

It is obviously a very distressing time for DSS and for H as well.

We are doing our best to be there for DSS and he is obviously with us full time right now (and likely for a long time if not, unfortunately, forever). Obviously this change was quite sudden so we have all muddled in to work out the logistics of this change with work etc... including myself. I don't say this for a pat on the back, just to give context that I am trying to do what I can to help.

To my AIBU... I have a holiday booked with my sister, her child and our child (similar ages) in the next couple of weeks.

DH thinks I should cancel so I can be here, I would honestly still like to go.

Honestly at the moment I feel a bit like a spare part, and I don't mean for that to come across as expecting to be anything but, but I don't think there is much I can offer right now in the circumstances to warrant staying home, cancelling our holiday, losing out on the money etc ..

Holiday is only 5 days and DSS is obviously more focused on his mum and H at the minute anyway.

Am I being completely awful to still go? I think, although he won't say it out loud, H is worried about dealing with the situation alone if anything changes.

You sound a bit cold and like you don’t care much for your DSS. “Unfortunately” he may be with us forever. Blimey! I never understand this separation of his family and my family when people blend families, you married a man who had a child, the child wasn’t that much older than your son when you came into his life. You are married, he IS your family and his crisis is your crisis. He might be about to lose his mum by the sounds of it and you want to still go on holiday? If you really feel like that’s more important then go, your DSS will get the message.

OK, what do you do now for ss that would impact him if you go away?

Will DH, and or ex's siblings, parents, other family be around also?

If things with ex are stable, but the outcome is uncertain e.g. life changing injuries etc. then I would go. 5 days is nothing really as this situation is obviously going to go on for a long long time anyway, and I don't think lives should go on hold indefinitely. Carrying on with life might normalise things for ss also I think. He has his Dad and it might be good for both of them to be self contained with each other for a few days.

What exactly would DH need you there for for 5 days? Is he happy for your joint child and you to cancel and lose the money?

I'd be inclined to go if things are stable. This could go on for a long time.

I’d go on the holiday.

You made a commitment to your own child.

I’d go. Your dss has his dad and his grandparent while he is visiting his mother.

You are to be blunt there really for chores aren’t you and keeping the very younger child out of the way so dh and dss can have their time together.

Your dss likely would really do well with this alone time.

It’s your husband wanting you to continue to run the home.

Also selfishly the world doesn’t stop and you are not his mum and break for you and younger child from the issues would be good for the both of you as well.

If the holiday is in a couple of weeks and cancelling now would result in loss of all money (do you not have insurance, would they pay out?) then I’d wait a week and see how things are going, it’s been two weeks already and another week may make things clearer as to the trajectory

thee is no way I would go away under these circumstances. Your husband needs you and wants you to stay so that is what I would do.

Yanbu.
Let your husband focus on his child.
A no brainer in fact.

Also selfishly the world doesn’t stop and you are not his mum and break for you and younger child from the issues would be good for the both of you as well.

Whereas I would say the world does stop for families in these scenarios and it’s normal to support each other.

She has been supporting them for the last few weeks and is now wanting to go on her 5 day trip with her sister and their children.

Perfectly fine if dad can’t cope for 5 days there are bigger problems.

I would think it would always cause damage to her marriage as DH has asked for her support.

Very difficult. Poor boy. I've been a step parent for more than 30 years. I do think, in this situation, that I would have (and still would, even though the kids are grown up) cancelled/rescheduled the holiday.

You aren't a spare part and they probably both need you.

I also think it possible that both of them (and definitely your DH) will feel that you weren't there when they needed you.

So sorry. A horrible situation for your DSS and his mum's family. For all of you.

I don’t know anyone who has gone on a holiday when their family is going through a crisis so we will have to agree to disagree.

@Gish889 I personally think your DSS would like his Dad’s full attention for 5 days, especially during this very difficult time. So on this basis I would go.

You need to remember though, that your H had your DSS way before you even came into his life, and no doubt loves the bones of him, so I’d keep your ‘unfortunately live with us forever’ comment to yourself and treat him as you would your own child.

Lastly, I did chuckle when you said his ex-wife is 13!

I really can’t see that insurance would pay out for someone’s non-resident stepchild’s other parent’s accident. Especially not for OP’s sister and child too.

OP should go, with the agreement that if SS’s mum dies and DH wants OP’s support, she gets the next flight home.

I’d stay at home. And I say that as someone who is normally very pragmatic and prioritises holidays. Your DH has asked for your support and in the circs I don’t think that’s unreasonable.

Yes. And the opinions that matter are the husband's, and he's asked you to stay (if he'd said otherwise, I would be worried, the whole point of marriage is supporting someone in the hard times), and the boy's, but it's hard to know what you feel about him, OP, when you use the word "unfortunately" about him coming to live with you. Does he blame you for the break-up, OP? Even if you never got with his dad until after the divorce, he might have been hoping to keep his family and sad that there was now no chance of that, when you married his dad.
Your travel insurance should cover this, and your child and sister should understand. Even at 4, I'd have expected my mum to put supporting family before a trip.

Agree we will.

Wheres I’ve known people continue to go away with dying relatives who are in their last months because there isn’t anything you can do and life continues.

I think the dh wants op home for chores mainly knowing what a lot of men can be like rather than emotional support.

She doesn’t mention the dss needing or wanting her which would be different if he was clinging to op or even to his half sibling.

Perfectly fine if dad can’t cope for 5 days there are bigger problems.

What bigger problems? The dad is surely worried that his ex wife is going to die and wondering how to navigate that with his child. It’s not a question of being able to run a house for a few days. But maybe I have misunderstood the OP?

She quite obviously meant it would be unfortunate because it would mean that his mum had passed away or was otherwise permanently incapable of looking after him.

How do you think your stepson would feel if you went, OP? I would be led by him to be honest. If you think he would like for you to stay, then I think you should, although it would be nice if your 4 year old could still go. If he’s (understandably) only really focused on his dad at the moment then that’s a bit different.

I’m really sorry that his has happened to your family. It’s an awful situation.

Oh this is a hard balance cos I think some might think it would be really good for DSS and his dad to have that time to process together or it can come off and you bring self centered and uncaring . I think you have to let DH lead here and respect what he wants which is you their as support . I don't think you're a bad person for wanting to go tho . Understandably you haven't got the same level of personal upset as DH and his son .

I didn't read OP's 'unfortunately' as anything other than her saying DSS' mother unfortunately might die.

OP, I would stay. Your family needs you.

I think that’s an odd take but you do you.

Leopardheart01
You sound a bit cold and like you don’t care much for your DSS. “Unfortunately” he may be with us forever. Blimey!

I think that is a misreading of "for a long time if not, unfortunately, forever", which to me means that it is unfortunate that it will not be forever. So the exact opposite of what you seem to be basing your judgement of the OP on.

I think the unfortunately the ss may live with us permenantly comment has been misunderstood. I think the OP meant that if he has to live with them it will because he has lost his mother so it would obviously be v unfortunate for the lad. At least that's how I read it.

Op says she feels like a spare part. So I take that as she’s just running the home and grunt work basically in the background basically.

While the dh and dss are doing the things they need to do together / separately with the grandparents / ex wife mum.