She took me to her abortion and is pregnant again couple weeks later

[Peaceofmind12]

My friend had an abortion last month, as she had been with this guy for two months and in that time, her beat her up and was verbally abusing her. She wanted me to come with her which I did. I don’t know why, but for some reason I found the whole experience a little traumatising but I never said anything to her about how all of it made me feel as she was going through a lot. Her abusive boyfriend was constantly calling me to get to her, she was crying loads and I was emotional support as she wanted to terminate the pregnancy so the guy could not ruin her life. Couple weeks later she is back with him and pregnant again after the abortion. She keeps saying she wants me to support her etc but I’ve completely checked out. I don’t know what she’s doing I think she’s making a mistake and I just don’t know what to say to her.

i feel conflicted as I feel like I’m not being a good friend by not congratulating her. But at the same time I’m so taken back we went to the clinic to terminate the other pregnancy so she could get away from him and now she’s back with him and pregnant again

Did she actually take the pills?

“Sorry x, I can’t be the friend you need during this turbulent time in your life. I can’t support something that is very evidently toxic and will end in disaster. I don’t have the emotional strength or energy to help you through this”

Then wipe her from your life. You have your own life to live, not to be a part of other people’s circus.

@Peaceofmind12

This woman and your friendship are both train wrecks. As I see it, you have two choices.

1-Tell her that her life 'as it is' is too much for you to deal with so you are bowing out for now. But that if the time comes she gets her life together then you will welcome her back with open arms. This will take courage, strength, and resolve on your part, so you have to be sure you can stick to breaking contact with her.

2-Tell her you disapprove of her being with that loser and think keeping the pregnancy is a big mistake. That you will still be her friend but will not congratulate her or be happy she is pregnant nor will you discuss her 'relationship' as you won't be a hypocrite. In fact, you will not be involved with the pregnancy in any way. Also, that you will not be around nor communicate with her boyfriend (in fact, you should have him blocked on all platforms).

I will be honest with you, I tried #2 with a friend in an abusive relationship, although there wasn't a pregnancy. I just refused to support or discuss her relationship and I wouldn't be around her abusive BF. I lost the friendship anyway as that was all her life was centred around and I wouldn't talk about it with her. So TBH, I wish I'd done #1. If I had I would have lost her anyway (she's still with her abuser) but there would have been less pain for me and no wasted time hanging on to a friendship that didn't work for me anymore.

If he’s abusive he may have forced her. She needs to get away from him but you can’t make her do that plus you need to look after your own safety. Support in the way you feel comfortable, even if less than before, and make sure you’re safe whilst doing so. Encourage her to speak to Women’s Aid etc. and be on the other end of phone, but don’t burden yourself more than necessary. It could be a while if ever before she gets out 💖

OP is she sure the pregnancy test is showing a viable result ? A test can show up positive up to about 6-8 weeks after an abortion for a number of reasons without her actually being pregnant. hCG could still be circulating in her system, or some tissue from the termination could have been left behind prolonging this. But it has to be said ovulation can occur as early as two weeks after a termination and if she’s had unprotected sex she could be pregnant. She needs to see her GP to determine which it is. If she is actually pregnant I think you need to take a step back. You can’t help her unless she wants to be helped.

Tell social services what you know about his violence, and leave her to her own devices knowing you have done your best to protect the unborn child.

Surely on some level you can therefore understand why she’s got pregnant again so quickly?

Falling pregnant shortly after an abortion is incredibly common because an abortion is often a rational decision - many women want to carry the baby to term in their heart of hearts.

I don’t think it’s fair to judge her so negatively, especially considering she’s in an abusive relationship.

I wouldn't have anything to do with her. She's been with him 2 months, pregnant twice, he beat the shit out of her and she still went back to him after splitting with him? And all of this with a child in tow.
Frankly shes a selfish idiot, not a trapped victim. My focus would be on her poor child.

Having a DV relationship two months into dating is actually insane.

It’s not even like he’s the father of her DD and she can internally say ‘well, at least he’s a good dad’. This is just some random fella. So sad for the DD.

Can she verbalise in what way she needs your support? What is she asking you to do? To empathise? To celebrate? To assist financially? To help her get away from this bloke? To unquestionably accept that this is her happy ever after? What does she mean exactly when she asks for support. I would find it out before then making a decision on how to proceed.

Not a problem. Just asking why.. However it seems no one can actually answer that without getting snippy

No congratulations are needed. She has known this guy for two months and he wasted no time at all in hitting her. She had a chance to walk away and chose not to. Not even for her existing child who is growing up in a shit show.

Block him. Mute her. Take some time to yourself. You owe her nothing.

multiple people have answered it and you just ask the same question in response. A poster even explained her own situation to you where she needed to start medication asap to reduce the risk of miscarriage and I'm pretty sure you didn’t even reply to her. Nobody’s answer seems to be good enough for you

I didn't see that. That's one case and unlikely in the OPs friends case.

But normally waiting an extra week makes zero difference to a pregnancy. If you weren't actively trying to get pregnant you wouldn't think of randomly taking tests

What’s your point though? The friend had clearly said to OP she’d like a baby, and she didn’t want an abortion in the first place. Nobody is really saying she wasn’t trying for a baby. There’s also no advantage to finding out you are pregnant after your period is due. And periods would likely be messed up after an abortion anyway.

You can make a referal to Adult Welfare Services. They might see this as a safeguarding situation for a vulnerable adult. That would be the best thing you can do. They can then liaise with the police. The right and relative, professional help will then be aware of it and can offer her the right support. Your local authority/council website will have the links for you to do this on their portal.

Multiple posters have answered you but for some reason you just can’t comprehend the answers.

Are you very young?

Any adult woman can work out why someone would want to take a pregnancy test early.

You’re also completely overlooking the fact that many women don’t have regular periods, so won’t know if they’ve missed one and you’re also overlooking the fact that this woman is in a physically abusive relationship and perhaps felt that getting pregnant could mean her life is in danger.

When I was TTC I was in the minority in that I didn't do any pregnancy tests until I had missed a period and usually by several days.
I don't know about out in the wild but definitely on forums it's pretty common to start testing at 8 days post ovulation and repeating until their period arrives. I never tested for ovulation either, it was only after I had my miscarriages and started joining TTC and miscarriage boards that I was opened up to the another world of peeing on sticks!

I agree she needs to report to Social Services, but there is no indication she is a vulnerable adult. People including parents make self destructive choices every day without being so. The child/future child is vulnerable though, because of such choices.

should probably read the OPs posts then if you’re going to base your reply on them.

Get her the fuck out of your life. You're not a counsellor and you can't help her.

There comes a time when I stop feeling sorry for people. This is one of them.

I never blame victims of abuse. But I have a major problem with bringing children into it.

There's only so many times you can suggest 'he's forcing her to have sex' or 'he probably doesn't allow her to use contraception' before you can suggest, actually, she may very well be in an abusive relationship, but she is also being hugely irresponsible and needs to get her act together.

I am extremely pro-choice. Even I would struggle to sit by and watch her terminate a child just to CHOOSE (from what you've said, OP) to have another one a few weeks later on a flight of fancy.

In fact, I wouldn't struggle at all. I'd be gone.

There are people who are genuine victims of horrifying abusive situations they can't escape from. Then there are people who will not help themselves, and expect to make terrible decisions and everyone to say 'there there, not your fault though is it?'. At some point, yeah, it is.

Can you raise the fact a violent man is a rubbish role model and will hurt the child physically or mentally. Why choose to tie yourself to such a dangerous person.

Ooof, this girl is drama. You need to disengage.

Of course you don’t need to feel bad for not feeling happy for her, clearly this is a terrible situation to be bringing a child into and I wouldn’t be sugar coating that.

I’d be signposting her to some support but staying well clear- the boyfriend sounds like a piece of work and you have your own life and your own child to think of.