She took me to her abortion and is pregnant again couple weeks later

[Peaceofmind12]

My friend had an abortion last month, as she had been with this guy for two months and in that time, her beat her up and was verbally abusing her. She wanted me to come with her which I did. I don’t know why, but for some reason I found the whole experience a little traumatising but I never said anything to her about how all of it made me feel as she was going through a lot. Her abusive boyfriend was constantly calling me to get to her, she was crying loads and I was emotional support as she wanted to terminate the pregnancy so the guy could not ruin her life. Couple weeks later she is back with him and pregnant again after the abortion. She keeps saying she wants me to support her etc but I’ve completely checked out. I don’t know what she’s doing I think she’s making a mistake and I just don’t know what to say to her.

i feel conflicted as I feel like I’m not being a good friend by not congratulating her. But at the same time I’m so taken back we went to the clinic to terminate the other pregnancy so she could get away from him and now she’s back with him and pregnant again

Sad all around, especially for the innocent baby involved

Time to step away from this "friend". You have your own child to look after you don't need a drain on your emotions like this. Some people just cannot be helped and your friend sounds like one of them.

To see if you’re pregnant?

It sounds to me like she was/is trying to get pregnant which is why she tested so soon and is now wanting to be congratulated for a pregnancy that may not even be viable.

I think you've answered your own question OP.
For your own sanity, walk away

How many times have you been to an abortion clinic?

I'd be neutral with her, give your self as much space as you need and and don't offer support at the detriment to your health and wellbeing.

I would be potentially concerned about whether this pregnancy wasn't as a consequence of the abuse and whether there was coercive control behind her having sex / unprotected sex with this man but there is only so much you can do whilst a person is under the spell. I would be there but not immediately and not above and beyond. You risk alienating yourself and pushing them further towards the abuser and burning yourself out when it's an uphill battle for them to see the risk.

If this pregnancy is a new pregnancy, she keeps it and it isn't lost to miscarriage, I would encourage her to speak to her midwife about the state of the relationship prior to the conception of this pregnancy so that they can keep an eye on her in this pregnancy as well as the precariousness of her housing situation.

Whilst every situation is different , the same sort of thing happened in the circle of my friends .
A year or so relationship , the women had moved away and was living with her bf . No violence as fair as I knew but the relationship was ending and she was making plans to move back to put home town .
Found out she was pregnant , still moved and had a termination . A few months passed and they began talking again .
He travels for work and it brings him to here , they meet up to clear the air and for a drink , they sleep together , and she finds herself pregnant .
Like your friend she decided to keep it and her ds is now 3 .
The ex is in his sons life , sees him regularly but they keep each other firmly at arms length .

She didn't terminate a child.

I'd definitely speak to her about the fact she might not be pregnant - while it is possible and you are more likely to get pregnant immediately after a termination/miscarriage/birth (my son is the result of me getting pregnant again a month after an abortion), a positive this soon after the abortion is more likely to be relating to the previous pregnancy.

I would be the same. I would also block him asap! So you don’t have to deal with him. Is your friend the type you can have a come to Jesus chat with?

Option C - report her to social services, for the sake of any future babies and for her own sake.

What is a come to Jesus chat?

She is super excited to be bringing a baby into an abusive household?
Seriously.
You need to get Social Services involved.

OP, you said the clinic gave her medication to take at home - do you know she definitely took it? Could this 'new' baby be the old unaborted one?

Whether she's pregnant or not, I'd wish her well and walk away. You don't need this dysfunction in your life. As a pp said, some people just can't be helped.

She's not exactly stable, is she? So I wouldn't believe everything she tells you.

@MsPrufrockk so is already involved with them. After he has hit her I gave them a tip off without being explicit that they need to look out for the relationship she is having with men.

I spoke to her about what they know as she’s had questionable interactions with men before this guy and she said social services knew. I said did you tell them about him hitting you (current boyfriend) she said no as they might take her child away. So she knows what’s going on and so do social services

She could be lying I don’t know. But if she is lying after dragging me through all of that with her then I would be saying she’s a evil person

She does sound like an attention seeker, so it wouldn’t surprise me if she was lying.

You just need to back off and focus on yourself.
It’s hard but you’ll feel so much better for it.

A chat where you clearly lay out what’s happening/ what’s going on/ what the options are. A serious non-jokey chat. Maybe it’s a colloquialism to Aussie/NZ I’m not sure I’ve head the English use it

OP, why are children's services already involved?

If she is in a new relationship they will be advising her to do a Claires law as a minimum. Is he staying at her address with her other child?

If she cannot see how damaging this relationship and man is to her existing child and is hiding information from children's services then maybe they will consider removing her child. However the threshold for this is extremely high

The last thing she should be doing is bringing another poor baby into this shit show

This is all a horrible mess op and you’re doing the right thing if you refuse to get involved any further. You don’t need to justify yourself to her. Focus on your own child.

It's hard to walk away from someone you care about but you need to put yourself first. If she's not willing to help herself and keeps making poor decisions that affect your mental health, now is the time walk away. Has the effect this has had on you then had an impact on your child? This was a deciding factor for me in a similar situation. When my mental health was affected, I knew I wasn't being the best mum I could be for my child.

Your friend sounds like a complete car crash. She already has one child, sounds like she isn't financially solvent, and she's got pregnant with an abusive man within two months of being with him. Best case scenario she isn't pregnant and this is still hormones from the first pregnancy. If she is pregnant again, I hope (and I feel the worst person saying this), but I hope she has an early miscarriage, as this is no relationship to bring a child into. I kind of hope her first child gets taken away if she keeps getting into questionable relationships with dodgy men.

It sounds like she hasn't been a good friend to you OP, so personally I'd be taking a step back. The more you support her, the more she's going to continue behaving this way.

They don't know about his physical violence clearly
Please tell them properly what you know - not hints

No, it's not something we would say. It sounds as if you're trying to convert her to religion ( maybe not a bad thing in this case!). We would maybe say time to lay your cards on the table.