She took me to her abortion and is pregnant again couple weeks later

[Peaceofmind12]

My friend had an abortion last month, as she had been with this guy for two months and in that time, her beat her up and was verbally abusing her. She wanted me to come with her which I did. I don’t know why, but for some reason I found the whole experience a little traumatising but I never said anything to her about how all of it made me feel as she was going through a lot. Her abusive boyfriend was constantly calling me to get to her, she was crying loads and I was emotional support as she wanted to terminate the pregnancy so the guy could not ruin her life. Couple weeks later she is back with him and pregnant again after the abortion. She keeps saying she wants me to support her etc but I’ve completely checked out. I don’t know what she’s doing I think she’s making a mistake and I just don’t know what to say to her.

i feel conflicted as I feel like I’m not being a good friend by not congratulating her. But at the same time I’m so taken back we went to the clinic to terminate the other pregnancy so she could get away from him and now she’s back with him and pregnant again

OP said the abortion was 5 weeks ago

OP I would make it clear that you're not supportive of the whole situation. If she hates you for it, so be it, but it might make her re-think the whole sorry situation.

I asked her if she took a test after the abortion and she said it was. So this is a new pregnancy

See I once would have said step back but I watched a docu yesterday where someone did just that - and it didn’t end well for the victim. The friend had so much guilt because she had closed the door and the victim bottled everything up with no one to turn to.

im not so sure you should just walk away. The experience for you was awful, understandable

Oh would just add too @Peaceofmind12we had been friends since we were 12 too. I stopped speaking to her at 30. She had had a string of increasingly abusive boyfriends since 16. It was the length of the friendship that left me hanging in there, lots of people stopped talking to her

A few years after we stopped talking, I told a therapist I was seeing about what happened and said I questioned my decision. She asked me two simple questions: “what did she bring to the friendship that was positive?” And “what did I get out of the friendship that was positive”. I was speechless, couldn’t think of a single thing for either by the end. She said “I think you made the right decision”

She's "super excited" about a baby she knows she's pregnant with a few days after an abortion?

Nope.

Also sorry to say this but these partners often get worse after kids come on the scene and the woman is more trapped / dependent

Why don’t you just ask for space to process all of this and decide whether you’re able to support her with something you feel is a very bad idea.

I’m sorry you’re being dragged through this.
There is nothing worse than seeing a loved one making such bad choices.

I can definitely see how the abortion process could feel traumatic for you.

You need to step away.
You have to protect your MH.

I stepped away from my best friend of years because she was in an abusive relationship. I tried to stay for as long as I could as he wanted to isolate her but it was her behaviour that was causing me so much stress.
I told myself that I did not choose to be in an abusive relationship, so why am I dealing with it all.

Do step back for your own good.

I was told you can get pregnant immediately with the surgical abortion and so I assume you’d be able to get pregnant quite soon after the pills have finished working.
Although as others have said it could be that she’s still testing positive.

It sounds like that she wanted to get pregnant tbh and perhaps she’s going to TTC asap.

How intertwined are your lives?
I would stop seeing her in person and massively reduce contact - take a few hours to reply and just say you’ve been busy.

who said it was 2 weeks after? the OP said it has been 5 weeks. that’s plenty of time to be pregnant again.

How does 5 weeks equal a few days to you?

@SlightlyTerrifiedButPolite thanks for sharing. I’m at this point now.

she’s a great friend if she’s not with someone. When she’s single we call, meet up and have a laugh. It’s like old times. As soon as she’s with someone, I don’t hear from her unless something is happening. She throws me to the side.

Even to the point she won’t show up for me when she’s in a relationship. When she was in her previous relationship she didn’t bother show for my child’s baby shower because she was “busy”

For once - put yourself first. This 'friend' - is no friend.

After my MC I got pg a week later
My pregnancy had to verified by 2 tests and a scan due to the timing and my GP would consider it until 8 weeks after my MC
Its incredibly unlikely this woman would know she was pg again at this stage

The original post said pregnant after a couple of weeks, I don't have time to read every thread front to back in case there's more information provided on page 8

Dear Friend,

I know you want me to support you but quite simply I cannot. You are in an abusive relationship. Just 5 weeks ago I held your hand through an abortion you had after he beat you up physically and verbally, even as he harassed me for doing so. Supporting you for the past X months of your relationship has been very difficult for me and you reentering that relationship and getting pregnant again has made me realise that sometimes loving someone means you need to step away and love them from afar when they won't help themselves.

I will be protecting myself and stepping away. I can no longer provide any support and will not in any way facilitate or encourage this abusive cycle. I love you and hope one day you will find the strength to leave for good. If you do I will be there to support you.

Love, OP

I think it is lovely that you are so concerned about your friend but this sounds like a case of “You can’t help someone who won’t help herself”. I think you have to take a large step back.

Haven't RTFT, but you are not being unreasonable to end the friendship for any reason whatsoever. I think I'd be done with her after that, personally. Even leaving aside the abortion, she's deciding to go back to an abusive man after asking your support in leaving him. That's her choice, but you don't have to condone it or stand by and watch her ruin her life. Sadly, some people can't or won't leave their abusers. You tried to help her once already, but she's clearly not ready.

You don’t need to read every thread front to back, simply click on view all of the OPs posts, there hasn’t been that many.

OP, you have a child yourself, why would you bring this drama near your life.

Step away. You are being used whether you like it or not.

Some people selfishly choose upset and drama in their lives.

You do not have to choose to be a part of it.

Choose peace. You owe it to your child.

Really? Cant see what it achieves.

If this is all accurate, of course you can't support her, it would be pretty much enabling her abuser. Give her the number of a domestic abuse helpline, then stand well clear until she leaves him properly.

It’s not hard to work out… pregnancy tests tell you if you are pregnant, so it can sometimes tell you… that you are pregnant.

My friend was like that.

The truth is they are not good friends because if they were they wouldn’t ditch you when they get a new man.

Stop being so available to her.
You’ve got out of your way to support her and now you need to focus on yourself.

If she needs support she’s got her new bf for that.