She took me to her abortion and is pregnant again couple weeks later

[Peaceofmind12]

My friend had an abortion last month, as she had been with this guy for two months and in that time, her beat her up and was verbally abusing her. She wanted me to come with her which I did. I don’t know why, but for some reason I found the whole experience a little traumatising but I never said anything to her about how all of it made me feel as she was going through a lot. Her abusive boyfriend was constantly calling me to get to her, she was crying loads and I was emotional support as she wanted to terminate the pregnancy so the guy could not ruin her life. Couple weeks later she is back with him and pregnant again after the abortion. She keeps saying she wants me to support her etc but I’ve completely checked out. I don’t know what she’s doing I think she’s making a mistake and I just don’t know what to say to her.

i feel conflicted as I feel like I’m not being a good friend by not congratulating her. But at the same time I’m so taken back we went to the clinic to terminate the other pregnancy so she could get away from him and now she’s back with him and pregnant again

She’s behaving irrationally so it makes sense she could lie.

I didn’t report your thread, but it sounds quite far fetched with the dates being so close together so I imagine someone thought you were lying.

@70isaLimitNotaTarget she never reported him as apparently he will not do it again. I don’t want this responsibility either. I really don’t know if I should just walk away or support her. I think sometimes she would know she’s making mistakes and being reckless but then I know abuse can blind people

I honestly would check out too. How can you support her when she’s completely done a complete u turn?! She knew she needed to get away from him and not be trapped with him because of a baby. But has done completely that very thing! I don’t think I could be supportive anymore. I think I’d reply less to messages and be available a lot less to meet and speak on the phone. Because it’s a train wreck waiting to happen. She will be suffering from domestic violence and so will the child. The child will end up being removed and taken into care. It’s unbelievable that a woman cannot leave someone they literally only met 8 weeks ago and managed to get pregnant twice! She is a danger to herself, her future child and to you if you dare help her again. He may be violent with you especially if his child is involved. For your safety and that of your child, I’d honestly stay away from her. She is a grown adult capable of making wise choices, but chooses not to. There is nothing you can do for her now. You can either watch or leave.

Because she wanted to know if she was pregnant? Testing before your period is due is incredibly common.

Where is the father of the first child? Is he an involved parent?

Well that’s her problem

not your circus and not your monkeys

let her go she sounds a waste of space

How far along was she?

I tested positive for 8 weeks after mine and I wasn’t far along. I rang the hospital and they said it was absolutely normal and to ignore any advice about it being negative after two weeks that you read online. I had to be admitted to hospital for mine due to medical issues and they kept me in until they believed the abortion was complete (so I was there for about 8 hours) so the positive wasn’t due to retained tissue or anything.

Friends you choose to have, family you don’t. I can’t see why you’d choose to have this friend in your life.

I have had 2 medically managed missed miscarriages and I had someone with me both times.

Ive also got pregnant straight after one of those miscarriages.

I had medication I had to start asap to reduce ethe risk of a loss after recurrent losses, I'm not the original person but with both my successful pregnancies I had positive tests 8/9 days after ovulation which I also had to track. Of my 8 pregnancies only those 2 progressed beyond 9 weeks because I was medicated so early.

OP she probably doesn’t have much choice about whether or not she has sex with the dick head she’s with.

Does she acknowledge he’s abusive or does she think she can play happy families? That would be the dealbreaker for me. If she was sad and scared about the relationship but happy about the pregnancy I would probably stick around to support her if she had the longer term goal of leaving him.

I would find it much harder to stick around if she didn’t see that anything was wrong with the relationship.

I’m sorry I would distance myself from her and the train wreck of a situation. I might tell her why and why this is a terrible choice before that, but I wouldn’t sign up for a constant savior role.
Poor child.

This exact situation happened to me with a friend in the 90s, down to me going with her to the abortion and finding it difficult. I ended up walking away from the friendship. We were in our mid-20s and it was all too heavy for me.

She sounds unhinged. I dont think i could be involved with someone who invites this much drama and chaos to their life

Hi all,
Thanks to everyone who reported and didn't troll hunt on the thread. From what we can see here this is a poster that we would vouch for as things stand (though of course we can never vouch 100%) so we are leaving the thread and hope that you can help the OP.

As another person said my 2 medically managed miscarriages (baby had passed and my body refused to accept it) my husband was there in the hospital and I had the medication as an inpatient so was there most of the day. He used hospital WiFi and WFH and stayed the entire time. Everyone I saw that day had a support person.

It’s really common for women who didn’t really want an abortion to immediately start trying to get pregnant again. A midwife told me this, once. She probably wanted the baby but not the circumstances.

people are not made of stone. Terminating a pregnancy that you wanted has consequences. One of those being that a person traumatised by it will try to offset the trauma with another pregnancy.

The relationship is abusive, is the sex even consensual? Keeping a woman pregnant and dependent is a know tactic of abusers.

Lots of abused women go back to partners repeatedly, I think I read somewhere that it takes three attempts on average before someone finally leaves.

I can understand your frustration but I think you should protect yourself first, then offer what support you can, and be there for her if and when she finally leaves this awful man.

I’ve know her since 11 which is why we are still friends 10+ years. Since the positive test yesterday she keeps messaging and saying she wants me to support her. I want to say no but I feel wrong for saying it after she’s just found out she’s pregnant. I also feel like I’m letting her boyfriend win by giving up on her

@Peaceofmind12you need to take a step back. I had a friend who overly involved me in a DV situation and it was horrendous. I was getting calls late at night with her telling me he had threatened to kill her. We stopped speaking after 2.5 years of it as I couldn’t take it, she stayed with him for another 6.5 years. Attending her abortion (only for her to go back to him), getting calls from him… it’s just too much. You aren’t a domestic abuse trained professional, that’s what this situation calls for.

At the very least, I think you have to take a step back and put down a boundary. You can say it is too difficult seeing and hearing about someone you care about being mistreated. You can say you want to be friends but you can’t hear about his behaviour, you think she needs to speak to a professional about that as you aren’t qualified to advise on it or to emotionally handle that type of conversation

Warning I did try that with my friend. She said in a domestic abusive situation I should just be there to listen to her, that I was wrong 🤦🏻‍♀️. Honestly it came to a point where I felt like I was enabling it, because she would let it all out with me and then just be able to continue dating him. I clearly wasn’t enabling it though as it continued a long time after we stopped speaking

That must be years ago, because they do now.

How was I meant to know when my period was due if I’d just had a miscarriage?

And I felt sick and wanted to know what was going on?

The instructions on pregnancy tests say they can be used 6 days before your period if due.

It's impossible to be pregnant and know it 2 weeks after an abortion or a miscarriage. She might still have the pregnancy hormone in her system and pregnancy tests are picking them up

Can you ask her if she had a negative test after the abortion? If not there’s a real change that her hormones just haven’t settled down yet as it often takes a while so it could be worth establishing if she’s even pregnant.

She’s never not said the sex is consensual. So I’m assuming it is. last week she was saying she wanted a baby with him and I was like come on you know that’s silly. And then she took a test yesterday