She took me to her abortion and is pregnant again couple weeks later

[Peaceofmind12]

My friend had an abortion last month, as she had been with this guy for two months and in that time, her beat her up and was verbally abusing her. She wanted me to come with her which I did. I don’t know why, but for some reason I found the whole experience a little traumatising but I never said anything to her about how all of it made me feel as she was going through a lot. Her abusive boyfriend was constantly calling me to get to her, she was crying loads and I was emotional support as she wanted to terminate the pregnancy so the guy could not ruin her life. Couple weeks later she is back with him and pregnant again after the abortion. She keeps saying she wants me to support her etc but I’ve completely checked out. I don’t know what she’s doing I think she’s making a mistake and I just don’t know what to say to her.

i feel conflicted as I feel like I’m not being a good friend by not congratulating her. But at the same time I’m so taken back we went to the clinic to terminate the other pregnancy so she could get away from him and now she’s back with him and pregnant again

You can report him to the police for beating her up, make sure they know she was a child in the house - where they home when it happened? They should feed this information back to SS.

She's obviously a victim of a violent man, but her job is to protect her children, if she cannot do that, then services need to intervene.

Her poor child having that as their 'normal'.
No stable home.
No stable income
Social serviced involved.
Mum is in a DV relationship & thinks nothing of bringing another life into this mess. She would be no friend of mine. Jesus fkin christ.....

Not necessarily. Every one is different. Your body can tell you long before it's advised to get a viable test. I know mine did...

So she drops you when she has a bloke
And she wants you when she needs your help .

I'm not sure who said it but " Don't Set Yourself On Fire To Keep Someone Else Warm"

Of course people are allowed bring a friend to support them when they are having an abortion. Why on earth wouldn’t they

Tell her to do one. She’s taking you for a mug not a true friend.

What a shit show. So she's had unprotected sex after having an abortion with someone she knows was abusive. God help that baby how utterly selfish and irresponsible. Tell her you can't support her because you are concerned for the welfare of her child being that she has know this man 2 months and is trying to have a baby with him and she already has social service involved in her first child. Stay far away from this idiot.

She’s obviously in a very bad place in this abusive relationship but she needs more help than you can give her.

Get some details about women’s aid and pass them on.

time for a frank friendship ending talk with her. She is ruining her own life here. You need to tell her that she is in it for the long term if she goes ahead with this baby. 18+ years of this idiot in her life. Beating her and possibly the child. Its no life. Possibly getting the child removed. Why she wants to bring a child into this dysfunctional relationship i dont know 🤦🏻‍♀️ if she still says shes staying with him, then youve done your best op 🤷🏻‍♀️

would she be open to talking to women aid?

I would be blunt and tell her after supporting her through the abortion and supporting her with her abusive boyfriend you do not have the emotional strength to support her through a pregnancy.
Shes a user anyway, just getting in touch when she wants you for something.
She doesn’t value the friendship any where near you do.
I say I wish you well but I can’t be here for you this time.

Where is your friends family and other friends here? I would tell them about the relationship with an abuser. Perhaps tell your friend about Claires Law, that she is just another abused woman in a long line.

Then step back from the friendship, tell her you are around for her if she dumps the bloke and you can't watch her life get destroyed.

Stay well clear. This is going to be messy.

Some victims of domestic abuse trade abuse back, so some couple are abusing towards each other. I think she's abusing you. I would stay clear.

quote: England and Wales: Official police data recorded that approximately 6.2% of alleged or identified domestic abuse perpetrators were female (with 93.8% male), and about 72% of victims were female

I agree with pps that it’s best for your friend not to completely cut ties. But you have to balance that against what is best for you. If you are finding it draining and distressing providing support for someone while they are stuck in such a toxic dynamic, then step back. But make it clear to your friend you’ll be there when she’s able to move forward from the cycle she’s stuck in.

Perhaps she, and any partner, need to use contraception.

Yeah. But why would you need to know that early?? What not wait until your period is late

What do people actually gain from knowing so warly

I would tell her that you can’t be around and support her relationship with him. BUT you will be there when she is ready to leave.

That way she still has an out and knows she has someone who is willing to help, but you aren’t dragged down with it all.

Why do you care when other people test? Some people want to no sooner because it’s a life changing event to get pregnant, some need to start medication asap when pregnant. What’s the problem?

The earlier you know the better.

If you’re not TTC then you could be drinking or smoking and if you want an abortion then you need time to plan it.

If you feel you’re pregnant, why do you have to wait until you miss a period to take a test - what’s the difference in taking one now or in a few days time?

Many women don’t have regular periods and so can’t wait until they’ve missed their period.

In my case I was on the pill and so didn’t have normal periods so I probably wouldn’t have ever known if I didn’t have a gut feeling and took a test.

You've done the right thing distancing yourself from her especially when you found the whole thing traumatising. You've done what you could to be supportive and your friend is doing the same thing again.

You tell her clearly, that you cannot be the person who lies to her, you do not support her R'ship with this guy. In your opinion, it will end badly.
You do not accept terminating one pregnancy then minutes later have another.
She is not financially stable. The guy has hit her.....
The whole thing is one big fucking mess & she should get some therapy to help her self esteem before bringing any more children into the world

Why are Children's Services involved with her older child?

The new partner has already been abusive and beaten her up. You should let them know about this and the new pregnancy for her sake and that of her existing and unborn children.

I was in the exact same position a few years ago as you. I support a close friend through an abortion and then they got pregnant a few weeks later, also to an abusive on/off bloke. I had to check out of the friendship for several years, I found it all very traumatic to deal with.

I was thinking the exact same thing. SS would be seeing her as an unsafe mother because she's willing to bring children into such a dangerous situation.

@Peaceofmind12 sorry, I posted before seeing your later one about having contacted social services.

You need to follow that up and reinforce your concern. This is an incredibly new and unstable relationship, with violence after a few short weeks and she is clearly not going to be truthful with them.

I'd also suggest doing a Clare's Law request on her behalf, they will disclose to her of course not you. However much she might hate all this, or hate you for it, you might be helping save her life.