It’s my birthday tomorrow….my teens don’t care

[canarywharfs]

So tomorrow is my birthday. I have 2 teenagers 17 and 15. I’m a single mum with no partner, their dad lives at the other side of the country so I have little help from him.

last year, I had a big birthday and neither if my teens put any effort in. My mum bought something for me on their behalf last minute - neither of my teens bothered to say happy birthday to me on the day and I really was quite sad. My daughter wouldn’t even get up out of bed when i asked her too.

This year, I have been reminding them that it’s my birthday (though neither of them need reminding). My daughter said that if I gave her some money, she would go shopping with her fiend and get me something. This hasn’t happened - she did message her friend apparently but she wasn’t free which meant my daughter wouldn’t go shopping - she is independent and down to go places alone.

My son just isn’t bothered about my birthday full stop.

What makes me sad is I put so much effort into their birthdays - especially as their dad doesn’t do much with them. I’ve just got back from taking my daughter away for the weekend - it was a weekend for her and we did everything that she wanted to do. I haven’t even had a thank you.

My son’s birthday was a few weeks ago and I got him tickets to a big upcoming football game as well as plenty of other little gifts.

Im not bothered about gifts at all, there is nothing I need. It’s the zero thought that upsets me. I’ve made no plans and tomorrow will just be a completely normal day which is fine - I just show my kids so much love and give them everything I can. It just hurts to get nothing back. I know they are teenagers and teenagers are selfish but I struggle to relate as that was never me when I was younger. I have always put thought and effort into birthdays for my parents since I can remember and still do now - my children see this.

Just feel a little bit sad. I don’t expect mountains of presents and surprises in the slightest. It would just be nice to feel appreciated.

I am aware that there is spelling mistakes in this but my stupid phone won’t let me correct them so will have to post as is….please tell me if I’m being unreasonable.

Please sell the football tickets and buy yourself something. Do not continue to enable your children's behaviour by rewarding poor behaviour . Let him know you sold them and will no longer be doing anything for them or their birthdays. You are the parent here and they need a firm lesson - Sometimes the best lessons are the hardest ones. Tough love can be the best kind of love for our children to learn strong lessons, going forward.

I hope you treated yourself today. Make your own fun. Order a take-away, bottle of wine, a birthday cake, and don't share any of it with them. Happy birthday!

Happy birthday to you 🎂 🥂 xx. Hope you have a lovely day, don’t worry about those two, go out with your friends and have a great time, one day they’ll grow up and show their appreciation more, develop some more hobbies, because one day they’ll leave home and you don’t want to feel like an empty nester. Don’t take your daughter away for the weekend again for now, and teach them to say please and thank you and don’t give them everything they ask for. Make them do more work around the house and in return they may get something back. Good luck!

Wow..."Needy" - No. Please encourage love, hugs, and affection. It makes for healthy relationships.

It sounds like whomever thinks this is needy behaviour, has some narcissistic and gaslighting behavioural issues, and issues that have gone unresolved and need some intense therapy.

Happy birthday.

Tell them both honestly all the stuff you’ve told us here. If you play it down, how are they to know how upset you are? I would hope they wouldn’t want you to be sad and will try to be nicer. You will probably have to have the same heart to heart next year too, young people seem to have brains like sieves.

I do worry that in protecting kids from adult arguments and such, we’ve gone too far and protected them from seeing any strong emotion. Now they don’t know how to identify emotions in others or what to do about it. Many young people with good parents, live in a world where only their emotions count. Both of your children are at an age where that needs to change.

Happy birthday and good for you no their behaviour isnt ok,. Regarding tonight do you have friends or friend you could go out with tonight for dinner or to the pub and leave the kids at home, if not order yourself a takeaway and not them, if they want dinner they can cook it and as for your daughter i would seriously buy her a plant and pajamas see how she likes it,.,ASDA is lovely she could have got you flowers toiletties something for the house or food wine chocolates cuddy toy nice card a cake etc etc etc

Happy birthday fellow MNer, hope you have a fab time at the concert 💐

Happy birthday! Today might not be the best day, but I hope you have an amazing time at the concert on Friday.
As for your kids, maybe they genuinely didn't realise how much it upset you not to make a fuss for your birthday. Hopefully next year they will do better, but I wouldn't hold it against them. Sounds like they're great kids overall and no matter what the comments say here, nearly all teenagers are selfish AHs!

The tears are only because they are being made to feel guilty. Not because of genuine contrition. Nothing for the selfish twats for their birthdays this year. See how they like them apples!

You’re not being unreasonable at all. I’ve had really similar without older 2 and it’s really really hurtful actually. Fortunately, I do have a partner and he and I make it special for each other, but not even getting so much as a happy birthday Mum sometimes from the older ones it’s really quite upsetting. Ours are grown adults (20 & 23) though but still live with us and it’s similar. I thought it was a boy thing but maybe it’s just a selfish teen thing.

Ive thought, at what point do we stop buying for them and making a fuss when we get absolutely nothing back and theyre adults? Last year I got a text from the eldest, no card, no present. It’s not even about the cost it’s the thought - not so much as a card. But then this year he went all out and brought me lots of lovely presents- so much so that I told him not to buy me anything so expensive again. So I know how you feel, you’re not alone and hopefully it will change at some point.

Wow. They seem very spoilt and entitled. You need to prepare them for the real world, they seem to have very little understanding about matching energy or care/respect for anyone else.

What’s stopping you from going out for the day, a spa? A hotel away? Go and treat yourself, they are old enough to be able to make themselves dinner..they need to learn and very quickly that actions have consequences.. it’s shocking. My niece and nephew organised a party for my sister at 14 + 16 (I did help with some bits) but they led the whole thing pretty much. There was a 13 year old in the same town who started making jewellery and selling to raise money for his mother’s 40th. 9 months and he made so much, bless him. It was beautiful to watch. It’s really down to how they treat others. My children are young and make so much effort for my birthday, I also make a big deal for mine as well as theirs, even though I am not overly into mine. But it’s how they see myself being treated. I really hope they grow up and soon.

Happy birthday, OP! I hope you’ve managed to have a lovely day & have some time for yourself to celebrate 🎂

tell them that you are having a birthweek this year - not a birthday. Tell them that this consists of you doing nothing for anyone else for a whole week. Buy lots of chocolates, snacks and wine and sit on the sofa watching netflix. No washing or ironing or anything that benefits anyone else.

Happy birthday for today @canarywharfs
Your post has honestly made me so sad for you. YANBU; it absolutely sucks that your DC make zero effort for your birthday when you do so much for them. Yes, they are teenagers, who we know are inherently self-centred, but this is no excuse - especially if they can make the effort for their Dad.
I'm glad you've been honest with them about how you feel; hopefully this is the wake up call they need.
I would be tempted to match their energy though; if they can't be bothered with your birthday, then I wouldn't bother doing anythjng for theirs. See how they like it!
I hope you enjoyed your shopping trip, and have an amazing time at the concert on Friday.

YANBU. But they are teens, they cannot see this from your pov - you are their mum and they have yet to understand you are a fully fleshed out human not there to service their needs. I think telling them that you are hurt by their lack of appreciation and then taking yourself out for a nice dinner or something is probably the way to go OP. Happy Birthday.x

Happy Birthday OP 🥳 Having read your posts, my advice to you was going to be exactly what you’ve already done - hit them with the hard truth. I’ve always said to my son that the bare minimum is a card, doesn’t have to cost a penny because there’s paper and pens at home. He’s 14 and autistic so doesn’t quite understand why it means so much to me, and it’s taken many times of me telling him how genuinely hurt I am (I am a 100% solo parent, my own parents wouldn’t even doing anything on his behalf). As I’ve said to him - it doesn’t matter if it’s not important to them, it’s important to you and that’s what should matter. Hope things looks up from here!

Happy Birthday, @canarywharfs! Enjoy your concert on Friday.

With respect to your DC, I don't know what to say but that I suspect that their father feels more precious to them in terms of "occasions" as they know they can count on your love any day of the week, month, or year, whereas their father is much more unreliable so they feel the need to make an effort with him, whilst you're just there, always. Sucks to be you, as they say.

Wishing you a very Happy Birthday.❤️ This is shit for you. It's a very crap part of being a single parent. I would make sure i did something nice for myself. Don't mention your birthday to the kids again. They will recognise they are being ungrateful spoiled shits at some point. Would be good if you had someone to point this out to them though!! 😃

Happy Birthday to you!
I hope you found a lovely outfit today, and enjoy the show on Friday!💐

It's sad but I'd play them at their own game for birthdays & yes at Christmas too, not even a thank you is a disgrace, they sound spoilt. My son thanked me this week when I took him to the dentist for a filling 😆 Treat yourself for your birthday

Happy birthday from me. Time to start spoiling yourself, I think. Perhaps start doing less for your teens as you appear to be taken for granted but let them know you still love them. It may be a phase but they should still appreciate what you do for them.

They save their pocket money or birthday money. They ask their nanny to help them. They are proactive. @canarywharfs wanted thought. Thought doesn't need to be expensive. It needs time and consideration. My kids are 6 and 7 they make me a card, draw me a picture, and make me breakfast in my birthday. This year the brought me a elephant keyring and mango shower gel. I was delighted. They thought what i would like.

Happy Birthday for tomorrow 💝💐🌸🌷🪻🏵🌹🥀🌺🎂🍾🍹

I can understory sadness, you put so much effort into their birthdays and they are too self centred to reciprocate. Buy yourself some simple treats and book a hair do or massage or something .

I agree that your children should at least get you a card and wish you a happy birthday and maybe offer to help with things and ask your mum to get them shopping to get you, something

But actually, they are just children, and they don't have the money to go out and go all out for your birthday.

I remember feeling deep guilt at my mom's birthday.That she never really got anything.And anything I could give her felt quite inadequate. She was a single parent too.Dad wasn't around her.Parents didn't live anywhere nearby.And by the time I was your children's age, her parents had died anyway.

She would sometimes give us money out of her own wallet to go and buy her something just so she had a surprise, present.And she didn't like what we bought her, and she made it very clear. It was actually quite stressful and upsetting. That happened more than once that she was angry as she didn't like.What would bought her. Or she'd say she had to buy her own birthday presents, but what were we supposed to do?

They are children at the end of the day.They don't have money to go out and arrange a good birthday for you. It's not their fault that there's nobody else who can take you out or arrange you things.

But birthday presents aside, I would add that your teens have a general bad attitude.And if they don't even bother to say happy birthday or say thank you for a weekend away.They've been given then something needs to change. That's how they've been brought up.I'm afraid and you need to start imposing consequences for not saying.Thank you.The treats and the weekends are we need to stop?But I fear at their ages.You've left it too late.

YANBU at all. I know the feeling. Book yourself a day to do what YOU want to do, and let them fend for themselves. (I didn't even get a card this year, from any of my adult/ young adult children and frankly, it sucks)
Happy birthday, from a fellow single mum. Here to chat anytime.