It’s my birthday tomorrow….my teens don’t care

[canarywharfs]

So tomorrow is my birthday. I have 2 teenagers 17 and 15. I’m a single mum with no partner, their dad lives at the other side of the country so I have little help from him.

last year, I had a big birthday and neither if my teens put any effort in. My mum bought something for me on their behalf last minute - neither of my teens bothered to say happy birthday to me on the day and I really was quite sad. My daughter wouldn’t even get up out of bed when i asked her too.

This year, I have been reminding them that it’s my birthday (though neither of them need reminding). My daughter said that if I gave her some money, she would go shopping with her fiend and get me something. This hasn’t happened - she did message her friend apparently but she wasn’t free which meant my daughter wouldn’t go shopping - she is independent and down to go places alone.

My son just isn’t bothered about my birthday full stop.

What makes me sad is I put so much effort into their birthdays - especially as their dad doesn’t do much with them. I’ve just got back from taking my daughter away for the weekend - it was a weekend for her and we did everything that she wanted to do. I haven’t even had a thank you.

My son’s birthday was a few weeks ago and I got him tickets to a big upcoming football game as well as plenty of other little gifts.

Im not bothered about gifts at all, there is nothing I need. It’s the zero thought that upsets me. I’ve made no plans and tomorrow will just be a completely normal day which is fine - I just show my kids so much love and give them everything I can. It just hurts to get nothing back. I know they are teenagers and teenagers are selfish but I struggle to relate as that was never me when I was younger. I have always put thought and effort into birthdays for my parents since I can remember and still do now - my children see this.

Just feel a little bit sad. I don’t expect mountains of presents and surprises in the slightest. It would just be nice to feel appreciated.

I am aware that there is spelling mistakes in this but my stupid phone won’t let me correct them so will have to post as is….please tell me if I’m being unreasonable.

This! I never forgot my mums bday since the age of 7ish! This is really unacceptable behaviour and why shud you go all out for theirs when they can even get you a card or out of bed! Really bad.

Sadly they sound very spoilt and self entitled because I bet if you didn’t make an effort for their birthday they wouldn’t be happy 🤷🏻‍♀️. My friend was a single mum, with a lousy baby daddy, she worked bloody hard to over compensate holidays, days out birthdays and they were very selfish (more than normal teens) she stopped over compensating and after the initial shock they started to turn around, don’t get me wrong they still are more entitled than most no miracle occured BUT they are much better than they were when my friend hit breaking point.

it’s the only way forward im afraid they are old enough to know better but think they need to experience disappointment to appreciate that you too have feelings.

I’m not single but my husband is useless at things like that, well he was, this year he exceeded himself but that’s because I also stopped going all out for his last birthday and he did notice 🙈🤷🏻‍♀️ xx

My adult son has struggled to make an effort in the last year for my birthday, Christmas and then Mother's Day.
I am difficult but also not difficult to buy for - I send a link to exactly what I would like & keep it to £15/25 so affordable - in fact he tells me that the budget is much higher usually. Then he simply doesn't get it ordered/organised in time /before item out of stock.
I have always made an effort for birthday/Christmas and at Christmas create a grown up version of a stocking

So after the lack of effort this last 12 months I am simply getting 1 item he has asked for and none of the extras I normally do

It's been hard and twice have stopped myself ordering a little something where I thought 'ohh he would like that'

I see it as matching his energy

The lack of effort is what deflates me so I am changing my behaviour and likewise my hopes/expectations

You’re not being unreasonable.
I don’t know why we as parents excuse behaves because of what we are told to believe.
‘teenagers are selfish’ - so we should just accept this and suck it up?
I’m sorry, buts not all teenaged are selfish. I’m sure if they got treated how they treat you then they would have something to say.
If you are a good Mum, which you come across you are, you deserve better.
Stop excusing their behaviour.
Plan something without them and go and enjoy yourself 😊.
Happy Birthday. X

Whilst I stand by saying that we don’t do things for our children to get re-paid back, we chose to have them, they did not choose to be put on this earth. I will say that they are being incredibly selfish and should at least make the effort to acknowledge the fact and wish you a Happy Birthday! I would also be upset OP.

Spoilt, selfish brats. Let me wish you a Wonderful Birthday on the day.
😘

Aww happy birthday! Book yourself a treat. I know it feels like your children are of an age that means they could show some interest. But they are ego centric at that age and even though they are teens nearly adults, there brains are actually still not completely formed. It's actually older for boys. One day they will see what you do. You have every right to feel sad, and you should definitely do something just for your self.

Happy birthday. Hope you got an outfit. X

@canarywharfs Hope you have a good birthday anyway. Give yourself a little treat of some kind

Happy birthday!

Show your kids the responses on this thread.

Tell them that you're hurt they don't show that they care. Talk to your mum about it as maybe she can have a word with them.

I'd also add that this is part of them learning to adult. It's not OK to let it slide because they need to learn to make sure they think of their future partners, friends, you! They don't just get a pass because they're selfish teenagers, it's part of showing people in your life that they matter. And if that means they need to be told very clearly that birthdays must include at the very least: a card, a wrapped gift which the birthday person will enjoy or will bring them joy, a birthday cake with a lit candle on top, and singing happy birthday. Next level up is decorating the home or a room, next level up is booking a meal or and/or activity and/or party.

The basic birthday expectations are: song, card, gift, candle in cake.

The gift can be basic or homemade, it's just essential that there is a gift with some thought. It doesn't have to be expensive, just relevant to the birthday person. They should already know this but it sounds like they need some basic reminders.

I think with teens they need a wake up call sometimes that the world doesn't revolve around them. We've just had a "chat" with our 11 year old about what kind of family do we want to be. If he wants a family that puts in a whole lot of extra value effort, kindness and focus on him, then he needs to buy into and share that attitude and those values. (Obviously at 11 I don't expect him to shop for birthdays etx, but thanking people for their time, helping out at home, contributing to birthdays etc).
I'd sit your teens down and list out the additional (above the legal requirements of a good parent) time, love, money and thought that they get and just get them to sense check if they share in the same level of input to their family. Do they help each other and you out they way they get helped? Do they spend as much thought on birthdays, Christmas? Do they put as much energy into helping around the home? How would they feel and what would life look like if you put as much though and effort in as they do?
Sometimes they just need to stop seeing parents as robots there to revolve around them as if they were a toddler, and instead recognise they're older and with all the freedom it brings, they also now have the responsibility of being an active member of the family. If they don't want to be part of that type of family, fair enough, but then you mirror what they want (no more weekends away, no more lavish celebrations for them, no more cooking favourite dinners or shaping holidays around their interests).

Happy birthday @canarywharfs . I really hope you've had cards and kind messages from your children.

You sre not being unreasonable and deserve much better than that but showing children how to care starts at an early age as does an understanding of why we are doing this. A crash course in a this is certainly required now.

I would say to them that Saturday evening is your celebration. I note you did not mention your son got you anything. You could also say that if they don't make an effort on Saturday evening then they can expect nothing to happen on their birthdays. Are your teens any good at cooking? They could sort out a meal and a home made cake .Tell them that a lot of people on mumsnet thought they are typically selfish teenagers and you are giving them a chance to put it right. If your son doesn't get his act together then he will get nothing for his celebration. Next year they need to save up and get you something that you really want. If on Saturday they don't sort out a lovely day then DO Not get them a thing for their birthdays. You can tell that is what you have been advised to say and do.

Happy birthday and well done for holding their feet to the flames on this.
Id really very much be getting her some Asda pyjamas, Asda bath stuff and an Asda card next month. Just to ram home the point.
have a lovely time tomorrow.

@canarywharfs Happy Birthday! It's also my birthday today, and I've been on my own all day, due to work commitments on the part of others.

I have nowhere near the amount of cards I usually get, (which wasn't ever a huge amount) - just a few texts. Feeling a bit sad!

All I've done is go to the post office today. I did have a nice weekend, but today, lots of people seem to have forgotten, which always seems to happen.

When I was at school, my birthday fell either on the first day back after summer, or the last day or two of the summer holidays. So everyone forgot. Doesn't seem to have got any better over the years though.

Happy Birthday from your birthday twin 🪩 ❤️.

Happy Birthday OP! Next year (or even next month) suggest you go on a Extreme Day Trip somewhere in Europe with a nice friend.

THIS.. You need to consciously put yourself first more. Set the example and show them that you think you are worth this.

I'd be a bit sneaky and say "I want to ask you both what you would like for your next birthday".. Then ask if they think everyone in the family deserves the same? You have to be affable about this, without conscious guilt tripping, as if you were discussing a holiday or something.
Say to them that they can organise something for Sunday.
Remind them that being thoughtful doesn't cost money, a birthday breakfast or or something helpful without being asked costs nothing.
Then at least you've told them straight what they need to do and given them time to do it. If it doesn't happen. Go on strike!

Tomorrow
Do exactly the things for yourself that you do for them. Buy yourself a lovely present that YOU want. A really nice cake, leave it out with some candles next to it so that they can see it . If they can't be bothered to come and share it with you nicely by a certain time, I'd start on it myself then portion it up and freeze it.
A big bunch of flowers.
See a friend or spoil yourself.
If there's no time, then a movie in the evening and a nice takeaway but plan something nice for the Saturday, shopping trip or otherwise. And let them fend for themselves that day.

At a later date I'd be having a good chat with your DD about her plan to have cash to go shopping and then not bothering. That was so cheeky.

I hope you spoil yourself tomorrow and have a nice time. They will soon catch on.

Happy birthday OP, well done for being brave and posting, looks like your real present was an adjustment to your parenting style that will likely improve your relationship with your kids as they become adults. Don’t be too hard on yourself about this situation, you’ve done the best you could and have now assessed the situation to do well for yourself too.

Ask them what they have planned for your birthday. If they look blank or say nothing, tell them you'd at least like them to acknowledge and celebrate the day for you - as you do for them.
Happy Birthday 🎂

Happy Birthday.
Be like a royal.. have a real birthday and an official birthday.
Work days.. just do some nice things for yourself like a nice lunch or something then .. pick a good day at the nearest weekend for the bigger celebration.
There's no reason why a birthday can't last all week. x

Happy Birthday OP! Hope you found a nice outfit for Friday 👍🏻
I always think, at moments like this, it’s time for a good paddy. Sometimes it’s the only language teens understand! Have a good tantrum, tell them loudly to buck their ideas up otherwise no more nice birthdays for them!! And then bugger off out, treat yourself the way you deserve to be treated and don’t do anything else for either of them until there’s a serious apology and an action of some kind that proves they mean it.
Good luck!

Of course YANBU and my heart goes out to you.

Hope you have a great time at the concert on Friday.

I would be buying myself a lovely gift too - guilt free.

They are old enough at 15 & 17 for a "return their energy" put the money you would normally spend on them aside and do nothing for their birthdays. If they are better next time, you have to choice to give them the money you put aside if you want. If they don't....you can use that money to treat yourself.

We teach people how to treat us by what we accept and what we put a stop to.
Teenagers can be very self-centred. You can let it slide or put in a boundary that they are old enough to treat how others how they wish to be treated.

Just seen this was posted yesterday so....
Wishing you a very Happy Birthday 🎈