It’s my birthday tomorrow….my teens don’t care

[canarywharfs]

So tomorrow is my birthday. I have 2 teenagers 17 and 15. I’m a single mum with no partner, their dad lives at the other side of the country so I have little help from him.

last year, I had a big birthday and neither if my teens put any effort in. My mum bought something for me on their behalf last minute - neither of my teens bothered to say happy birthday to me on the day and I really was quite sad. My daughter wouldn’t even get up out of bed when i asked her too.

This year, I have been reminding them that it’s my birthday (though neither of them need reminding). My daughter said that if I gave her some money, she would go shopping with her fiend and get me something. This hasn’t happened - she did message her friend apparently but she wasn’t free which meant my daughter wouldn’t go shopping - she is independent and down to go places alone.

My son just isn’t bothered about my birthday full stop.

What makes me sad is I put so much effort into their birthdays - especially as their dad doesn’t do much with them. I’ve just got back from taking my daughter away for the weekend - it was a weekend for her and we did everything that she wanted to do. I haven’t even had a thank you.

My son’s birthday was a few weeks ago and I got him tickets to a big upcoming football game as well as plenty of other little gifts.

Im not bothered about gifts at all, there is nothing I need. It’s the zero thought that upsets me. I’ve made no plans and tomorrow will just be a completely normal day which is fine - I just show my kids so much love and give them everything I can. It just hurts to get nothing back. I know they are teenagers and teenagers are selfish but I struggle to relate as that was never me when I was younger. I have always put thought and effort into birthdays for my parents since I can remember and still do now - my children see this.

Just feel a little bit sad. I don’t expect mountains of presents and surprises in the slightest. It would just be nice to feel appreciated.

I am aware that there is spelling mistakes in this but my stupid phone won’t let me correct them so will have to post as is….please tell me if I’m being unreasonable.

Happy Birthday!

Give your daughter the PJs for her birthday?

We were never that bothered about presents from the kids but no bday card & no "Happy Birthday" would have hurt.

They must surely have had an inkling of how that would have felt to them?

Sorry OP.. I missed your update and I thought your Birthday was tomorrow. Happy Birthday!
I see you have had a talk with both and that your Mum took DD out to buy some presents... ( I think that was really good of your Mum and it set her an example)
I think you've made a great start in turning this around. Keep up the good work!
Have a great day on Friday, there is nothing like the feeling of having a voucher for some guilt free purchases!

Wishing you a very Happy Birthday🥳 I hope you have a fab night on Friday🎶

another happy birthday to you OP, I hope you've managed to have some lovely time for yourself today 💐

Some of these posts are awful, and it’s fairly common in here. Where posters want children punished and hard, for the parent to go over the top and be cruel. It’s disturbing.

op, you need to talk to them as you did, but again. Understand why they have behaved as fhey did, explain again how it made you feel. Ask them to consider it if it happened to them, and also ask them why. As that’s rhe key bit, don’t just assume selfishness or spoiled, ask why.

Happy birthday 🐑 🐑 (two ewes) OP.

I'm really pleased you re-iterated how it's the effort you put in, not how much the present cost.

Hopefully this is a lesson she will learn for life.

As an aside note, I travelled to London for a friend's birthday years ago, and her boyfriend (now her DH) met me at the station as I had no idea where I was going and it was near his work. I asked him what he had got her for her birthday and his response was "oh shit. I forgot all about that". So we took a detour via a jewellery shop, he bought her a very expensive necklace and a card (pen borrowed from shop to fill out) and I reminded him to bin the receipt so she wouldn't discover he bought them en-route to the restaurant.

For the rest of the journey I reminded him how absolutely furious my friend would have been if he had forgotten and basically told him to never forget again and to put more effort in for such a special person! He thanked me for saving his back side and as far as I know he never forgot again!

Happy birthday OP! You deserve a lot more than this but you know that. I sympathise as have had similar experiences and it upsets me a lot. I put so much effort and time into keeping my family happy that it is a bit of a blow when they don’t do the same. We are worth more than that! Bless you, hope you have a nice evening x

Honestly what I would say to them is “you’re at an age where you understand what it means to love and care for someone, and are capable of making someone feel special on their birthday. So however much effort you put into my birthday and gifts tomorrow is how much effort I will put into your birthdays. I matter too.” Then honour that. They are at an age where their relationships need to start being reciprocal, and showing them what that in a tangible way should have some kind of impact.

teens are so fucking selfish, generally and don't give a shit

stop pandering to them so much and take yourself of for a lovely day, lunch out a manicure or pedicure and enjoy yourself

my eldest used to make minimal effort but this year was very different - she is now 31 so at long last...! there is hope

Happy birthday @canarywharfs .
Hope you got a lovely outfit & have a fab time at the concert on Friday 🎂🎁🎉

They're kids. You can't compare what you do for them to what they do for you.

Happy birthday! I hope you have a lovely outfit and a fab time on Friday.

reading through just your posts you sound a lovely person who wanted to do the best by your kids and have taken on baked suggestions

This.

Starting with DD birthday in October. She has time to search / send you various links for her presents but could only be arsed to pop into Asda for a pair of crappy pyjamas for you.

What about DS? Sounds as if he made zero effort as well.

Both have been incredibly thoughtless. Time to treat their birthdays in exactly the same way. Let them FEEL how they made you feel today. I very much doubt they'll make the same mistake again.

I remembered your birthday this morning. I thought I wondered how your day is going.
Good for you getting through to your children. They'll get there (hopefully) we were all a bit selfish at that surely. They will benefit learning to think more of others.

I hope you've had a few smiles and lovely moments in your day. Wishing you a chilled evening.

More like that they'll get nothing which is what they deserve. Talk about crocodile type tears.

So glad you had a half decent day OP. Enjoy your night out on Friday 🥳🎂

I hope you enjoyed your day x

Sorry your efforts seem to have gone so unrewarded with your children. I'm sure you have done an amazing job of double duty for dad being out the picture.
I'm a believer that we have to put the right things in and hope they come out right but part of that is accountability.
Agree with all the posts saying, give yourself a treat and sit them down in a week and explain you now understand that they don't value birthdays and your effort so you will make sure they are much more low key affairs for them moving forward.
I would also consider splitting everything in three. All the house work, all the treats. The money you put aside for their birthday and Christmas I would now split into three pots, including one for you. And come Christmas you can give them that money and tell them it's for your gifts!
And let them actively see a difference in you treating yourself better. The shopping budget is no longer for their favourite foods and snacks, now there is your preference to consider too. Same for everything. You get a slice of every pie, visibily. Don't let them put themselves first over you constantly.

I'm sure the plan of giving them as much as you can so they would in turn become giving and generous by example does work for some. But for others it becomes if you don't value your efforts, why should I? And indeed, as a young adult I was also guilty of thinking I deserved everything. The example of being kind to you specifically is what they have been missing.
But it's not too late.
Celebrating you is vital and you deserve it.

Hopefully with a new example they might be singing a different tune come Christmas....

YANBU

However, if it helps: I had a bit of a meltdown one year after having nothing at on on Mother's day. No I wasn't expecting jewels and furs, but (as I explained to DH and DS) a homemade card and/or something thoughtful like a drawing is what is expected, unless they want me to feel hurt and unappreciated.

I know MN doesn't always agree with this method and that we're supposed to sit and suffer in silence, however, our children are learning through our actions. I don't want DS to think he doesn't have to acknowledge special days in the future, for me, his father or his future partners.

It took a few years tbh (after the initial shock; they went overboard at that time!) but DS is now pretty okay about drawing a card and sometimes there's a gift if there's something I've been wanting.

I think you should let them know how you feel and see if they don't manage to do something. Nothing will change unless you try.

They sound spoiled, sorry to be harsh. They've been raised to know that despite how they treat you they're still going to get the weekend away and the football tickets, no please, no thank you, no returning any favours. If they don't have to do anything to get it and there are no consequences, then why would they? Teenager mentality.

That being said you should really be teaching them to do better. Instead of giving them everything they want, make them earn it. It's fine to treat your kids of course, but when they act like this I certainly wouldn't be. They don't get you anything for your birthday, fine, but not even acknowledging it, getting out of bed, saying happy birthday? Then you don't put major effort into theirs. It's hard, I know, but it's a valuable life lesson.

Ending with, happy birthday. I know my comment sounds harsh but I don't intend for it to be. If I were you, I'd go on a spa day (or whatever you fancy) and a meal alone, they're old enough to look after themselves. Come back, do what you want to do. Don't ask them how their day has been as they should be asking you first. They ask what's for dinner - you reply, "you tell me". They can sort themselves out. They're old enough not to have everything handed to them on a platter, certainly for one day, at the very least.

Happy birthday OP, hope you're having a lovely day. I feel you, mine were actually better as teenagers though than they are as grown adults. Seems we only celebrate anything together if I arrange and pay for it.. And same as you deadbeat dad so I made a big effort when they were growing up. Book yourself a spa day or night and leave them to it, then pull back on your effort with them. It's hard but the only way we can stop being taken for granted, they are more than old enough to realise this is hurtful. 🥂💐

Happy birthday for tomorrow!

Can I ask, have you ever sat them down and told them what you would like from them on your birthday?

I'm a single mum to a teen boy and when he was old enough and comfortable enough going out and about alone we had a talk and I explained that it would be lovely for him to give me a small gift on the day that he had put some thought into, as I do for him each year. I explained that the gift didn't have to cost money, he could bake or cook me a meal, pick flowers or propagate a plant etc. I added that this would be a good skill to learn so that he wouldn't have to rely on partners later in life.

The talk was a success and he's been doing small, lovely things every year without prompting from anyone.

I find with teens that if we aren't explicit in the lessons they just don't pick up on things.

Happy Birthday lovely. Go and treat yourself. Go out on your own for lunch , have a nice glass of pink Prosecco . Go to the supermarket on your way home , get a couple of cans of premixed cocktails , a lovely bunch of flowers and a ready meal and a big slice of cake . Close living room door and tell them no interruption's and do nothing for your kids tomorrow .Have a lovey day and again Happy Birthday 🥳

As parents if we don't point out behaviour that isn't nice, exactly who will?

They grow into adults and friends move on from them.
I definitely had a few me me casual friends.
I had zero interest in explaining shit to them, so when I saw selfish behaviour, I moved on.

People with self-esteem will not hang around and wait for selfish people to cop on and catch up.

They move on.
This is not unusual behaviour from some teens, it's all in the handling of it, explaining it, and not tolerating it.

My husband did this to me last year. Made me open my presents a day early so he could go to rugby training on my birthday. My birthday consisted of work and taking my daughter to an appointment for her. I told him to expect the same energy for his. He didn't believe me and was absolutely shell shocked when i did exactly that. Sometimes they need actions not words x

Have a lovely birthday, OP. ❤🍰

It's one thing for them to feel bad, but are they intending to step up in future? Or is this just, 'Mum made a fuss' and it will be out their head in a day? Nothing stopping your 'sorry' DS going out to the shops today to buy you flowers and a card, is there?

I'd still be in the camp of sending, 'I'll match the effort you put into my birthday' text to DD if any more is said about her wish list for October..