It’s my birthday tomorrow….my teens don’t care

[canarywharfs]

So tomorrow is my birthday. I have 2 teenagers 17 and 15. I’m a single mum with no partner, their dad lives at the other side of the country so I have little help from him.

last year, I had a big birthday and neither if my teens put any effort in. My mum bought something for me on their behalf last minute - neither of my teens bothered to say happy birthday to me on the day and I really was quite sad. My daughter wouldn’t even get up out of bed when i asked her too.

This year, I have been reminding them that it’s my birthday (though neither of them need reminding). My daughter said that if I gave her some money, she would go shopping with her fiend and get me something. This hasn’t happened - she did message her friend apparently but she wasn’t free which meant my daughter wouldn’t go shopping - she is independent and down to go places alone.

My son just isn’t bothered about my birthday full stop.

What makes me sad is I put so much effort into their birthdays - especially as their dad doesn’t do much with them. I’ve just got back from taking my daughter away for the weekend - it was a weekend for her and we did everything that she wanted to do. I haven’t even had a thank you.

My son’s birthday was a few weeks ago and I got him tickets to a big upcoming football game as well as plenty of other little gifts.

Im not bothered about gifts at all, there is nothing I need. It’s the zero thought that upsets me. I’ve made no plans and tomorrow will just be a completely normal day which is fine - I just show my kids so much love and give them everything I can. It just hurts to get nothing back. I know they are teenagers and teenagers are selfish but I struggle to relate as that was never me when I was younger. I have always put thought and effort into birthdays for my parents since I can remember and still do now - my children see this.

Just feel a little bit sad. I don’t expect mountains of presents and surprises in the slightest. It would just be nice to feel appreciated.

I am aware that there is spelling mistakes in this but my stupid phone won’t let me correct them so will have to post as is….please tell me if I’m being unreasonable.

OP, they treat you how you allow them to. Unfortunately, that’s like dirt.

You repeatedly say they are lovely but selfish and spoiled. Maybe it’s time to realise they aren’t lovely to you.

In your shoes, I’d step right back. Stop doing more than the bare essentials for them.

For their birthdays and Christmas, scale it back.

I think you need to sit each of them down and tell them how hurtful and disrespected you feel and that from now on, they will get the same back from you.

Time to treat these young adults as young adults. They aren’t young children and need to learn their actions have real consequences.

OP, I hope you’ve managed to have some fun on your birthday.

That is really sad. I agree it isnt about the presents but about the effort. I would feel sad and on occasions I too have felt sad but not very often. I know as a mum you wont be as mean back to your kids but it might make them see how you feel.
As youre a single mum it would be nice if your mum or a relative might give them a nudge.
Happy birthday and hopefully they will turn things around for you x

I do get that - children can be quite self absorbed at that age and some people never get around to focusing on others the way they like to be focused on. As others have suggested, I would set aside some money (if you can't afford it this year, save up over the year a little at a time for next year or for Christmas) and absolutely treat yourself to something you wouldn't ordinarily do and just dial down the effort for their birthdays. No explanations, no discussion, just action. Don't say a word. Spend less, do less and make less effort. If they complain, ignore it.

I think it's good that they have cried. I hope that means your message has rally sunk in. Yes, they are still children, but they are also (slowly) on their way to adulthood. To act as a nice, responsible adult, they need to learn how to care for and about other people in different ways. Ideally, they would have picked it up from observing you and how you act, but sometimes people/children need a more explicit lesson...

And happy birthday to you!

Happy birthday 🥳

Happy birthday to my birthday twin! ♥️

Im sorry you have also had a crappy day, shall we make a pact to each other that we promise to try have a better day next year?

I have the same issues, everyone seems to forget my birthday as they have all been wrapped up in summer plans. My birthday isn’t important in my family as this is a busy week for birthdays - the other ones being my young niece and nephews birthday which of course are important but absolutely no one in my family asked me what plans I have this year or offered to do anything with me. I think they forget that I don’t have a partner. But it’s fine, it just would have been nice to feel some sort of thought from the ones I love the most.

Happy birthday again, I hope you’ve done something nice with your evening x

She is a selfish little madam.

Is she your youngest child or oldest ?

ASDA will accept a return of the pj's even if you do not have a receipt, they will put the amount on a gift card.

They are incredibly thoughtless! If I were you I would take yourself out for the day! Book a spa, a film, a nice meal .. do the things you love. Let them fend for themselves!

Teens are selfish. Last year mine forgot my birthday I didn't get a card or anything from my kids 8 and 13, the 8 Yr old his dad should have sorted but the older one has pocket money and puts lots of thought into her friends presents. Heard nothing from my husband all day then he gave me a card with £50 in it at 4pm! From him. Not a lot of thought between them, I suspect he forgot and went out at lunch to get the card and just chucked some money in. I told them later on in the evening I was upset and the two children wrote me letters to say sorry. I know they didn't mean to upset me and it's more their father's fault as he should have made sure something was sorted. It does hurt op and it's not that we want anything, I would have been happy with a card and cup of tea just some basic courtesy.

One positive you can spend your daughter's pocket money on something you actually want for yourself. Buy yourself a takeaway and make them make their own dinner!

Happy Birthday.

They're selfish but please ease up making a fuss of them on their birthdays. They need to experience what it's like when their own behaviour is mirrored back on them and learn from it.

Enjoy what's left of your birthday and your night out on Friday.

Book a spa day. Buy a book. Leave the selfish gits to fend for themselves.

Happy birthday

Sending strength and birthday wishes. Well done for speaking up.

It’s because you are too nice. Dh and I are not as nice as you we got really cross with ours as early teens when they tried to be selfish gits and not make any effort for us whatsoever. It has now been drummed into them (yes tears involved) that thoughtful presents and cards for those you love on their birthdays are an absolute non negotiable whether you like it or not.

Sorry to hear all of this. They sound thoughtless at best and lazy and selfish at worst. If your daughter can do presents for her friends and their dad gets a card and gift despite doing very little on the other side of the country I'd be giving them a huge shock next birthday. Card and money and a bought cake. End of. They are taking you for granted.
Your daughter asks for money to buy you a gift?? What? Does she not have a job? My brother and I both had jobs in our teens. Lived with our single mum. Dad provided money and we saw him pretty often but she did the bulk. I worked in a shoe shop and then cake shop on a Saturday at 16 and my brother did a paper round 14, 15, 16 and then when a bit older worked at a golf shop.
I think at 17 she should be doing something to earn a bit of cash.
Happy birthday!

Something similar happened to me a few years ago - by god my kids have massively improved since that birthday. it's gone down in history the year they disgracedthemselves over my lack of presents

YANBU - it would absolutely not kill them to get up, make you a coffee and some toast and just say happy birthday surely 🥹 mine are only 3&6 right now but I’d be really sad if they treat me like this as teens. Hope you’ve enjoyed your birthday today 🎈

Happy birthday. Yes you deserve better from this selfish pair.
I would take the tickets you bought your son and go to the match yourself without him. As for your daughter, withdraw all favours and pocket money.

I feel your disappointment. I was a single Mum to three boys and it was very rare that Christmas, Mothers Day or birthdays were remembered or acknowledged. I used to make sure they didn't overlook occasions for their Dad, but he didn't reciprocate.

Hurtful as it may be, please don't set yourself up for annual disappointment by hoping each year will be different. Instead, make a point of planning a day that you want, that does not involve your children, and just indulge yourself.

I hope you enjoy your day.

Happy Birthday

This happened to me, although I had a husband as well as the teens. A good friend advised me to set out my expectations- so I did. I sat them down and said I expect on my birthday a card, to be taken out for a meal and effort to be made. I deserve more and it’s unacceptable to put no effort in. To be fair it worked and it’s been so much better ever since.

Happy birthday for today.
I’m glad to hear you not only talked to them, but by the sounds of it, you actually got through to them.

As they are teenagers, sometimes the best results come from sitting down, and having a honest, and plain conversation. No passive aggression, or ambiguous language. Also, I wouldn’t recommend having the conversation when feeling very emotional (I had a family member who’s go to way of handling any issue was crying, and it felt very manipulative).

I’m grateful to my mum for sitting me down, and having a grown up conversation with me (think I was about 17?), About my complete lack of recognition of Mothers Day. Im embarrassed to admit it, but I had Mothers Day filed away in my brain as a pointless thing, made to sell cards. My mum explained how much it hurt her feelings, and in future, even doing a small gesture would make her feel loved and appreciated.
Every Mothers Day since then, I’ve made a really big effort.

….I still think it’s a bit of a lame holiday😜 - but now I know how much joy my mum gets from it, I am more than happy to splurge.

Are you me op as I could have written your post myself about my 2 teens. Mine also couldn't careless about my birthdays, christmas, mothers day etc and like you i try and make their birthdays etc so special for them.
I also tried to make birthdays / Christmas so special for my parents and family and friends with the very little money I had at the time as a teen myself. I loved to make people happy , I loved to give more than receive whereas my own teens are the total opposite and are way more selfish than I ever was. they just don't care no idea why they are like this. but im wondering if its because they've had way to much throughout their lives way more than I ever did.
I can sympathise op and just want you to know you are not on your own with selfish, thoughtless teens like this.

Unfortunately, until we have a melt down and hissy fit, they just don't take the hint.y birthday has always been over looked by the kids... But at least for mother's day they'd do something small for me but this year I got nothing at all on mother's day.... Not even acknowledged the day or anything. So I completely blanked them and if they came in to talk to me, starting with "mum...." I replied "no, I'm not mum today.... Go away" and refused to help them, talk to them or even acknowledge their existence. Well it certainly shocked them as apparently they've been planning my birthday (October) ever since and are pooling their money together for something big.

This 100%. Happy birthday, have a great day. Go get your hair done, have a manicure and pedicure, buy yourself some nice new boots for the winter, take yourself out for dinner and then show them all your lovely things. And don’t dare be tempted to buy them one fucking thing while your out. It’s hard but you can do it.

One of the primary functions of parenting is to create children that other people will want to be around and sacrifice things for. Your kids are NOT that right now, so the way you can be a good parent to them is by

1. explaining to them that it is not sociable or acceptable to ignore a family member's birthday and then

2. with your actions to create a meaningful consequence. Withdraw from some kind of effort that you make for them for 2 weeks and directly link it to their unfamilial behaviour.

Happy birthday OP. You've been a fantastic Mum making up for their shit Dad but now you need to tweak how you do it a bit.