colleague has overshared and is now embarrassed

[nearlyemptynes]

A colleague at work has been very down and she confided in me the reasons why which are to do with her husband and relationship. My husband and I have been out with them socially and my DH guessed what the problem is. She asked me if he knew and i said yes and explained he had guessed. She is now fuming that I didn't keep her secret as she says it is not my secret to share. I did not knowingly share- mu husband guessed. She is being v difficult with me. AIBU to be annoyed with her.

Don't tell me then - honestly - but I'm going to tell my husband if a colleague tells me an intimate issue. Also this isn't about her body, this is about the troubles with her husband. She's a colleague. And also - I am really not prying so don't tell me things I can't tell other people. I'm not interested and don't want to know, because I can't keep a secret.

I'd probably say: "I was trying to focus at work, but the lady we met at the pub kept distracting me by talking about her awful husband."

Why did you confirm it and then blab to her that you’d confirmed his guess?

Is your friend @Ifiwere?

I always find it odd when someone expects someone in a committed relationship - particularly a married person - to keep secrets from their partner. Doesn’t matter if it’s a small or big secret, no one should ever expect someone to keep a secret from their significant other.

Well, hopefully you’re not a friend of mine but I hope you say what you’ve written here to your actual friends, so that they know not to tell you their secrets.

I think if it was pretty obvious when you were going out together it's not wrong for your husband to remark on it.
You shouldn't have confirmed it but rather went with something like "Oh yes, I've noticed that too"
But it has happened now.

I would tell your colleague if she wants to keep it private to be more discreet. I would also cut her some slack, she is going through a rough time.

Honestly, I think people are being harsh, because I sort of assume everyone will tell their partner. Whenever I get home from a catch up with someone my husband will ask for a debrief and vice versa. I've actually had him text me from the toilets being "guess who is getting a divorce". I see us as one entity from an info perspective. I'd never ask a friend to keep something from her husband and would expect it the other way either. Equally, my dh would never share something with a friend if I told him not to.

I think being annoyed with her is a bit harsh, and you should say sorry if she hadn't realised it was obvious your husband would find out from you. However, I can 100% see why you couldn't lie to your husband when he brought it up! I think she's unreasonable to expect you to have done that.

Yeah this. As I said about my DH, unfortunately he's got a big mouth and loves to gossip. Historically, society has suggested it's women who are the gossips, but he's far worse than any woman I know.

When I come from seeing this one particular good friend who I have known since I was about 7, (and he knows vaguely,) he says 'what's the gossip then, have her and Paul fallen out, are her kids giving her trouble, is she having trouble at work, etc etc etc....' He want meaty and juicy gossip, so he can go to work or to the pub and start saying 'I shouldn't say anything but this friend of my wife right........' I just give him very vague details of almost nothing, and he's like 'well that's boring!' and rolls his eyes.

I am NOT divulging my friends private and sensitive information to my husband. It's got fuck-all to do with him. If she wanted him to know, she would tell him!

If a colleague asked me to keep something to myself, I’d do this diligently when it came to anyone at work, even my friends, my kids, anyone really but I’d probably tell my husband by default. I wouldn’t mean any harm by it and it’s not a ‘we don’t keep secrets from each other’ thing but it’s just probably something I’d do? I guess she’s worried that the more people that know, the more likely others will find out and it’s possibly scaring her and worrying her which is probably what is driving her reaction. She’ll come round, give her a night or two (but not too long) to apologise and explain what happened and offer her some tangible support and something to break the ice. She probably doesn’t know what way is up at the moment

This.

I don’t tell my partner stuff about people he knows or will meet. I realise that IS the case with this OP.

Do I tell him stuff about my colleagues who live hundreds of miles away who he’s never met? Of course. How will they know he knows / how will it affect them??

You obviously don’t trust each other if you feel you need to tell each other everything.

No one in a secure, trusting relationship would feel the need to tell each other everything and they wouldn’t see it as ‘hiding’ anything either.

There are no secrets in my marriage ( that I am aware of!)
We are both transparent.
However information about my friends personal life does not come under martial secrets. I haven't got consent to share details. I would hate to have my mefical information discussed for example by others , so I wont gossip about my friends.

Does this fly?
' Dh works at Bae. Should I know what he is doing at work, I mean he has signed the official secrets but we are married,we tell each other everything and trust each other implicity'

No it doesn't. I have no right to know.
If i can live without knowing what's going on, dh can live without knowing something that I have been told privately that doesn't affect him in any shape or form.

Over the years I have been told about my friend being a subject of DV. It was tricky because her partner was my then partners best friend. I could have made things a lot worse if I passed on what she was telling me and how she was trying to escape from it.

You shouldn’t have confirmed it. You should apologise.

Hahaha nope , funny coincidence of similar post , but not me (plus I’m a lesbian with a wife) .

Exactly!

I would get fired immediately (and likely a prison sentence too) if I spoke about certain things from my work.

How do these couples cope in this situation - do they regularly break the law and tell each other anyway or are they simply unable to get jobs that require a level of confidence because they HAVE to tell each other everything.

And if you work on an place where confidentiality is all?

It doesn't have to be GCHQ. One of if my colleagues a fee years ago, was admitted to hospital for a few days. When she returned to work, she mentioned that my daughter had been her nurse, and how lovely she was. When I saw my daughter I asked why she hasn't mentioned that my colleague had been in her ward. She looked at me as if I'd lost my mind "of course I didn't tell you. What if she hadn't wanted people to know about her condition? We're not allowed to disclose who's on our ward or having treatment"

So you'd go ahead and break a patient's confidentiality, in her position? Because you think your DH deserves to know because he's married to you?

I think if you spoke to many people with sensitive/traumatic jobs you’d find if they didn’t have a non-involved third party they could trust to offload to it would make it near impossible to cope with as a job.

But they don't mention names or any identifying details. And the person they offload to is generally not their spouse.

Yes. Goes without saying identifiable information wouldn’t be divulged but my husband is the single person I can trust to offload to who I know wouldn’t share as gossip.

He has as much risk from sharing as I do - after all my job pays our mortgage as much as his does. So I’d say I’d assume it would often be partners that people offload to.

I think if you spoke to many people with sensitive/traumatic jobs you’d find if they didn’t have a non-involved third party they could trust to offload to it would make it near impossible to cope with as a job

Every job I've had when there has been an incident or something sensitive that we've dealt with we have a debrief. We also have support of our colleagues who know exactly what the situation is like and there are also monthly supervisions to off load as well as a wellbeing service. Incidents also get mentioned in team meetings where we are reminded thst we can seek further support if needed.

If you did off load at home hopefully you wouldn't be disclosing names or identifying features, especially if you live in a small town.

. Goes without saying identifiable information wouldn’t be divulged but my husband is the single person I can trust to offload to who I know wouldn’t share as gossip.
But would you tell him your best friends private information.?

Hahaha where on earth did I say that. I’m specifically talking about when someone discloses something to you personally but expects you to keep secrets within your relationship. Why on earth WOULD your daughter have disclosed that to you? It’s weird that you would ask her why she hadn’t when you clearly grasp how confidentiality works.

But you'd share the confidence if a person he knows. Your friend. Your relative...

Why would you do that? Why do you think he deserves to know something that you've been asked to keep private? Why are you happy to lie to the person who asked you to keep their confidentiality?

It's insane. You don't want to lie to your DH by omission about something he has no reason to need to know or care about, but you're happy to lie to your friend when she's already vulnerable and upset.

Can you not see how illogical and immortal that is?

Another one here who tells husband everything. Unless it would hurt his feelings. That’s what relationships are about - you are a single package?