colleague has overshared and is now embarrassed

[nearlyemptynes]

A colleague at work has been very down and she confided in me the reasons why which are to do with her husband and relationship. My husband and I have been out with them socially and my DH guessed what the problem is. She asked me if he knew and i said yes and explained he had guessed. She is now fuming that I didn't keep her secret as she says it is not my secret to share. I did not knowingly share- mu husband guessed. She is being v difficult with me. AIBU to be annoyed with her.

You've misread my tone. It was more of a jolly "you didn't tell me x was on your ward!" and not a "WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?"

I was so keen to pass on my colleague's compliments, that I simply forgot that of course she wouldn't say.

A single package? What does that even mean? DH and I are not joined at the hip! We are 2 different people with different minds and personalities and we have individual friends...

We are not Borg. (Or bees!) We don't have a hive mind!

Another one here who tells husband everything. Unless it would hurt his feelings
so you dont tell your dh everything, you are selective.
However it is ok to hurt your friends feelings by gossiping about her, even if your husband doesn't need to know.

Good grief, you've done it again - you've effectively told a load of total strangers what this woman's husband's issue is. She has every reason to be furious with you.

Yes I've known about mental health field who have disclosed personal information to their spouse. As a consequence patients didn't trust them and they rightly got fired.

People in the mental health field have regular supervisions for exactly that reason. Even if you don't name names it is often easy to identify someone. If you can't keep a "secret" from your spouse don't work there. The same as telling your friend beforehand at least they can make an informed decision then.

I would tell my dh this kind of thing but he’d be discreet and no one would know! The only thing I don’t tell him is patient details or anything that would breach gdpr - although a lot of our work re sensitive issues crosses over so he knows anyway (which is helpful for processing upsetting information together).

What the hell? I certainly don't stop being an individual just because I got married.

It probably depends on what kind of people you surround yourself with. My friends and family are still individuals and none of them would blab to their husband without asking first. It doesn't even cross our minds.

I ever, ever, ever allow anybody to dump their grubby secrets on me. Sounds like she didn't even have the courtesy to ask you if you minded carring her secrets around.

If someone does ask can you keep a secret I always say "I don't know". I don't know if I will be able to keep your secret till I know what it is. And I do NOT keep secrets from my husband to please other people.

I might not tell him if it's something that doesn't affect him and doesn't cause me any angst to not tell him, or if it is something I (not you or someone else I get to choose) do not want to tell him.

But of course I don't agree to that without knowing what it is.

Grubby secrets cause no end of hassles. Don't allow people to dump them on you and make it clear you will tell your husband if you want to - it's not your responsibility to lie to him by omission or feel uncomfortable and unable to confide him to keep someone else happy. Fuck that sideways.

Excuse typos.

Nobody has the right to impose secrecy on someone else's marriage. Even the law doesn't expect that. I would always assume that if I confided in a married person, their spouse will be highly likely to know about it. No one has the right to come between husbands and wives.

Now then, I'm not your wife but I am dying to know what the tea is. Spill!

Keeping someone’s confidence is not keeping secrets from your husband/partner. It does not involve or impact them. Basically there are a bunch of excuses for gossiping on this thread.

Yes, I always find this disturbing when this topic comes up on here. You’re right, it’s just people giving themselves an excuse to gossip.

I understand your DH guessed, but you were obviously talking about it to him anyway.

Regarding other comments on this thread. You may be married but you are still an individual. I keep my friends secrets as they’re not mine to tell, and I would certainly think less of a partner who spilled their friends secrets to me.
It shows a lack of integrity.

There were two confidences to be kept, by OP, 1. that the friend was having problems in her marriage, and 2. that her husband was gay. and it seems OP discussed the first and confirmed the second to OP husband after OP husband guessed..

I think the first secret would be less of an breach if all that was said ito husband is ' I'm going to lunch with my friend today ' because she wants to talk about some personal problems she's having . It is the second .breach when OP confirmed her friends husband's ' secret' to her DH. The fact that OP husband guessed was not a grant of a licence for OP to out friend's husband. I think outing a gay person who has not yet decided themselves to come out is a breach of trust OP's friend placed in OP

Yes you betrayed her secret even if it was indirectly. Not surprised she's annoyed with you.

Exactly this. OP must have brought her colleague up in conversation to start with, and then given so many tidbits of information about her personal issue that it would have been easy for anyone to "guess", let alone someone who knows her.