To not want to spend more money on horses?

[tommyknocker1982]

My wife and I are at loggerheads on this, so I'm looking for outside opinions...

Bit of background - we're in our 40's and both work, and we have 2 daughters, 15 and 12. I don't ride but my wife and daughters do. We bought our first horse a couple of years ago. I was firmly against it, but my family appealed constantly, and my wife provided a breakdown of the costs, which turned out to be a wild underestimate.

A year later, that horse had some health issues and my wife said he wasn't suitable for our youngest daughter. So, I switched to work full time and we bought a second horse. Since then, the horse related costs have escalated endlessly (vets, van hire, trips to the saddlery...) and I'd guess we now spend around £25k a year on horses.

I've agreed to getting a 4x4 and horse trailer, but the next ask is that my wife wants us to move to a "house with land", so that she can keep the horses at home.

And this is where we clash. Acres of land in the south east is expensive, and would mean either moving into a worse house than we have now, or taking out a huge mortgage. I don't want an equestrian lifestyle. I don't want the extra maintenance, I don't like the smell, and I don't want to live in a rural backwater so I can have animals staring at me through my kitchen window. Am I being unreasonable to say "no, I don't want to spend any more on horses"?

I Am Being Unreasonable - I should agree to my wife's demand. Live a life I don't want, and probably face more escalating costs even with them living with us at home.

I Am NOT Being Unreasonable - I say "enough is enough". We spend enough already and need to draw a line under it.

I think you should accept that you're not going to be happy unless she's happy. Horses are an addiction. Living in the countryside and working full time are not exactly hardships and your family sounds happy. Take up fishing.

Sounds like 3 against 1 so suck it up OP

Enough is enough ! Not the same , but I love dogs and Dh agreed to 1 small dog . I would love a second , but know we have to meet in the middle because we are a couple . I am more than happy to have my pup and don’t push for another because I know that he has already moved his boundary for me .

If it’s an addiction then agreeing will just feed that addiction, which is not a good thing to do.

OP needs to talk to his wife. You can’t have a situation where one person is made extremely unhappy to meet the wants of the other. There has to be a compromise somewhere.

please note I spoke my response into AI that wrote it up/tidied it up for me.

I think the missing part here is: does your wife listen to what makes you happy too? You’ve told us what she and your daughters want, but not what you enjoy or spend money on, and whether your wife supports those things.
You say you both work, so how are the horses actually being funded? Is the £25k coming from joint household income, mainly from her earnings, or are you effectively paying for a hobby you don’t participate in? And what are you having to give up financially to fund it?
I don’t think it’s unreasonable for your wife to love horses or want a house with land. But wanting it doesn’t mean you have to agree to restructure your finances, take on a much larger mortgage and completely change where and how you live. A family home has to work for both adults.
You’ve already compromised quite substantially - two horses, the ongoing costs, a 4x4 and a trailer. I think you’re entitled to say that moving house specifically for the horses is where your compromise ends. The bigger question for me is whether compromise in your marriage goes both ways.

Is your wife financing the horses at all, or just you?

Only £££££££ will solve this …

YANBU, I’d be pissed off in your situation.

25k a year on horses is 🤯🤯🤯

If a man tried to force his wife to move/change jobs/spend most of her money and time on a hobby that the kids might well get fed up with in a year or two, we'd say he was cruel.
And if my husband tried to pull this, I'd tell him where to go. But then, I'm not a horse person, so I'll probably get shouted down by those who are.

She sounds pretty selfish. You need to have a proper chat.

Horses are an obsession and you need a money pit of money . At my worst I was spending £2k a month on my 2 horses and I look back now and think wow what an idiot I could have retired so much earlier .
If you buy a house with land don’t underestimate the costs of maintenance and your life will now be fixing things , moving things , lifting things etc etc . I have my own land and built a yard and then my horses died and I didn’t want more I wanted a break from it all . I cannot believe how lovely the freedom of being horse free is , no more clock watching when I go out , far more disposable money , health . Don’t do it OP , one shared horse is plenty .

You’ll end up haemorrhaging more cash even if you have them at home, maintenance, equipment, vehicles, fencing, buying in all your hay and feed, massive mortgage. What’s the plan if you ever want to go away? Who will look after the horses? Unless they are on DIY livery now and your wife does absolutely everything 365 days a year then she has no idea how much work this will be and it’s all going to fall on her!

If she wants this lifestyle then what is she doing to bankroll it all exactly or is that your job?

Horses are extremely expensive. They are time consuming and a lifestyle choice, much more than just a hobby. You need to have a difficult conversation about what you can afford and see if there’s a compromise. Saying all that if anyone ever tried to make me choose between them and my horse, I’d show them the door. Be prepared for it to be a difficult discussion.

I think you've been more than reasonable in increasing your work hours to pay towards a very expensive family hobby that you don't share. That's a big compromise already. And it sounds as though the rural life isn't for you, even if you might be able to move out of the South-East and get more land for your money.

I think your OP expresses your point of view very clearly without any anger or blame, so I hope that when you discuss this, your wife can acknowledge that you're not unreasonable to feel this way.

Having horses at home is much more difficult than people think. Is your current horse on full DIY livery so your wife has an idea at least of how much work it will be? But being at home also means all the effort of ordering all supplies and organising vet / farrier visits yourself and not through the yard, no one to ask for advice, remembering to worm them yourselves, knowing about land management, having to fix everything that goes wrong yourself, having to pay someone to come in and look after them if you are away / ill…

If wife wants to do the extra work to pay for it then fine. Otherwise no. I think you need to find yourself an equally expensive and time consuming hobby OP.

I think unless she is paying for it or most of it she is being incredibly unreasonable

I wouldn't agree to any of this unless DW was paying for it all.

If DW wants to spend £25k a year on horses, you need to separate out your finances so SHE is paying, not you. Maybe you should contribute 50% to your daughters' horsey costs. But £25k a year, and a huge lifestyle chnge (to a life tgst you dont want) AND a new, enormous mortgage on a hobby is ridiculous.

This is pretty outrageous. I think you have been more than generous/tolerant OP, you have to draw the line somewhere. If your wife cannot see your point of view then I think your marriage is in serious trouble.

How on earth are you spending 25k a year on 2 horses? That's absolutely insane (and I say this as someone who bought a farm in France so I could watch my horses from my kitchen window).

Show her the costs. It’s ridiculously expensive. I’m moving rurally this week and everyone thinks I’ll get another horse. They’re wrong. I don’t want to spend money on farriers/vets/saddlers/tack/hay/feed/rugs. Jeez, the list goes on and if they compete, it’s bonkers.

I’m assuming lessons/trailer/competition fees/new tack/vet fees. Mine had strangles and was kept in for 5 months, had two guttural pouch sweeps. It was obviously very expensive to keep him (large Irish cob) in hay and toys. It all adds up, even if they’re healthy.

Children/teenagers don't get to vote on things they are not paying for, responsible for or that they can walk away from withour consequence. So it's 1 against 1 and one of the people (OP) has ALREADY given far far more than most would be prepared to do.

We treat it as a joint expense (the children ride more than she does), from our joint account. I pay more because I earn more.