To not want to spend more money on horses?

[tommyknocker1982]

My wife and I are at loggerheads on this, so I'm looking for outside opinions...

Bit of background - we're in our 40's and both work, and we have 2 daughters, 15 and 12. I don't ride but my wife and daughters do. We bought our first horse a couple of years ago. I was firmly against it, but my family appealed constantly, and my wife provided a breakdown of the costs, which turned out to be a wild underestimate.

A year later, that horse had some health issues and my wife said he wasn't suitable for our youngest daughter. So, I switched to work full time and we bought a second horse. Since then, the horse related costs have escalated endlessly (vets, van hire, trips to the saddlery...) and I'd guess we now spend around £25k a year on horses.

I've agreed to getting a 4x4 and horse trailer, but the next ask is that my wife wants us to move to a "house with land", so that she can keep the horses at home.

And this is where we clash. Acres of land in the south east is expensive, and would mean either moving into a worse house than we have now, or taking out a huge mortgage. I don't want an equestrian lifestyle. I don't want the extra maintenance, I don't like the smell, and I don't want to live in a rural backwater so I can have animals staring at me through my kitchen window. Am I being unreasonable to say "no, I don't want to spend any more on horses"?

I Am Being Unreasonable - I should agree to my wife's demand. Live a life I don't want, and probably face more escalating costs even with them living with us at home.

I Am NOT Being Unreasonable - I say "enough is enough". We spend enough already and need to draw a line under it.

Could you suggest a period of time where you remove the horses from 5 day livery and see how much they all like it when they are up through the winter at 5am to get jobs done before work and school? Nights out and cinema trips are done after the horses have been sorted for the night and holidays are cancelled because you can’t find anyone to horse sit?
If after a year of the reality of full time caring for the horses they are still wanting to move and have an equestrian lifestyle I would then consider it if.

For you OP!

This would never ever be something I’d do. I would hate living in the countryside so much. My husband and I had a lot of conversations about it years ago and compromised on a house on the edge of a city - easy commutes for both of us which is what sold it. He spends lots of time when he can hillwalking and we holiday in rural places when we can.

We do spend thousands a year on my daughter’s hobby (dance) so I do understand the appeal of spending lots to keep a teenager active and happy. But there has to be a limit and you are way past anything I’d do for myself. I could actually work part time if my daughter stopped dancing but it’s worth it to me. Wouldn’t be worth moving to a place I’d hate living though.

I've heard about secret horses! But I know ours quite well. I go to the yard twice a week, and do the jobs on Sunday afternoon. If the girls ever go away then I know enough to do rugs, feet, fly masks, hay nets, lead them to the fields etc... And I drive the horse box when we hire one.

Say No, mean it and stay firm!
My dream is to run an animal rescue in a rural area, my DH runs his own business that means he has to work in a populated area, he can’t work from home…
Our compromise was that I would foster for animal rescues when they had suitable animals come in that fitted with our family, in our existing home.
Tell your wife that keeping on about something she wants, trying to browbeat you into going along with it is abusive behaviour.
You’ve already given up a day off to work more to fund the horses, you spend a substantial amount of money for them to fulfil their hobby that you don’t wish to share in, why on earth would you move to an entirely different location when you don’t want to, regardless of the horses.
As I say to my children, unfortunately you can’t always get what you want, that’s life, especially when you live with a family and have other people to consider.
I assume your wife couldn’t afford to fund the horses without your input, she needs to realise that now is the time to stop and enjoy the set up she is lucky enough to have.

I didn’t read it as him complaining. I work 4 days & still earn more than DH. If he asked me to work 5 days to buy a horse I’d say no chance.

I have recently re-homed my last horse, but was spending around £1k per month (on one horse) towards the end of my horse owning years, so I can see where the money is going - full livery (£800 pcm and upward), lessons (£45 x 4 pcm), shoes (£95 a time), fancy supplement for its feet (£60 pcm), back massages, teeth (£60 x 2 p/a), carrots/treats/other sundries (£25 pcm per horse). And of course it can never have enough rugs and other kit. Then kitting out 3 women in all the latest riding gear …. I can totally see where £25k p/a is going.

Horses are a money pit and a lifestyle. You’re doing enough, so unless your DW is funding all of the above, stand firm.

Remember also that teenage girls are renown for losing interest, going away to uni, getting (much more interesting) boyfriends or generally finding other stuff to do as they get older, which will leave you stranded in the countryside.

I say again, stand firm.

If you’re on 5 day livery for multiple horses, a house with land is going to probably save you money and also be an appreciating asset rather than money lost into a void of nil return.

If it makes you feel any better, I spend more than that on one horse for one child and I am even less involved than you.

We are also going to move to a place with land, I’ve made my peace with the fact that it’ll bring her eternal happiness!

I am the daughter (25 years ago) in your story.

My Dad spent a lot of time Begrudgingly helping out at the yard with our ponies, took us to shows, mucked out etc, was never horsey himself.

eventually bought a small house with land to keep them at home. My pony is still alive, age 31…

He spends every minute of his free time Fixing things for the horses, fence posts, water drainage, etc. I can tell he’s unhappily living this horsey life.

We had a lovely childhood, but I can see it was at the expense of my dads

I'd suggest to her to have the horses on DIY for a while. So they would need to be up there everyday looking after them. That would cut costs and give an idea of how they would cope dealing with them every day.
But if you can't afford a house with land, you can't afford it. I'd love to have my 3 at home, but i can only afford to live in a small terraced house (because i have 3 horses!!)

You sound like an amazing husband and dad. I would absolutely say enough is enough. The money is one thing but the time commitment of full time horse care will be enormous if you take it all on yourselves.

I assume she couldn't afford to do it all on her own if you split? Wanting such different lifestyles seems totally unsustainable.

Having horses at home after only 2 years of horse ownership would be really hard going. At the moment you have experienced people at the yard who would spot any problems and advise you. If they were at home in would be all on your family. I agree with you that it is just not practical. For starters you’d need a third horse as if you took one out the other would probably be stressed.

Also... you'll presumably need three horses for them all to ride together!

I voted you are not being unreasonable. You have been tricked into a lifestyle you don't want and it's unfair. Your wife should have looked for a different partner who lived the life she wanted or was willing to buy the life she wanted.

It's pretty outrageous what she has done.

I had two friends who were obsessed with horses as teens. I was v boring to listen to. Their obsession has now switched to yoga in adulthood.

This would be a deal breaker for me.

You already work 20% more than you used to, to fund the horses.

The c£25k a year they cost could be going into your retirement fund, which could make a massive difference to your lifestyle then.

There is absolutely no way I would be taking on a huge mortgage and moving to a house with land somewhere i didn't want to live, to facilitate having the horses full time.

You already give up a lot of your non work time to help care for the horses, drive kids to competitions etc. You know you would end up doing a lot more horse care, land/shelter maintenance etc. if you lived with them.

Honestly, I would be telling my wife that I would not ever buy the rural house + land she wants, and if that is truly what she wants then sadly you will be splitting up and she can figure out how to pay for it.

You have already compromised massively.

I think she is being really selfish. Unless you're actually really wealthy, this horse hobby has already had a huge impact on family finances and lifestyle.

Enough is enough.

That’s an awful lot of money to spend as it is. I don’t think you are being unreasonable, no. Surely this is a compromise and your wife needs to compromise a bit.

@tommyknocker1982 To give an example of a way to balance hobbies in a relationship, I have a moderately costly hobby (a long term project that costs about £3.5k per annum, plus a lot of time). My DH is a high earner but wasn’t originally keen, as he thought it a waste of time and money. I therefore pay the costs of it myself, from my personal spending, and am very ‘low maintenance’ otherwise. I spend very little on clothes, beauty, entertainment, going out or much else really.

I also keep it almost entirely under the radar at home. I do it in my own time and don’t let it impinge on our family life. He knows that I am doing it and changing circumstances have meant that he is ok with it now but I know that this needs to be my ‘thing’. I therefore keep it contained to myself and don’t share the stresses or challenges of it with him.

So I get my hobby but fundamentally it doesn’t really affect him. He probably spends the same amount of time and money on golf.

I am guessing that your wife would not be able to do this with horses? The challenge is that it involves your daughters so you do need to know about it and support them, but perhaps there are ways in which you could take a step back…

Did you say you had to work more to support the lifestyle? So I assume wife doesn't work? let me get it right - you are going to be working all hours, living somewhere you dont like and spending all hard earned cash on something you have no interest in?... Fuck that.

I really dont like all the horsey stuff, I like countryside but I would not like living farmer's lifestyle, with mud, wellies, weird Royston Vasey type neighbours, horses, dogs, clapped out Landrovers and shops you have to drive for hours to. I cant imagine being forced to live on a rural farm - it would make me absolutely miserable.

Your wife sounds completely self-centred I cannot stand people like that

Just say no.

I'm a horse person. I had everything your wife wants, just in a cheaper area of the country.

Post on the horse section of the forum and ask people who do it the reality of keeping horses at home.

It was my dream for 30 years but I'm very glad to be away from it now.

A far from exhaustive list off the top of my head

land management
poo picking
muck heap removal (who, when?)
constant fence repair
keeping neighbouring farmers stock off your land
stopping passers by from feeding your horses
getting tradesman to come to a rural property for repairs and maintenance
problems with phone and internet in rural areas
finding land that will stand up to horses in winter
sourcing your own hay/haylage of decent quality (and don't even think of making it off your own little bit of field!)
Facilities, the next thing they'll want is an arena at £35-50k
Isolation, loss of the social network of the livery yard
Carrying buckets of water when the taps are all frozen in winter.
Farrier reluctant to come out just to put back a lost shoe.
Paying extra rates if the entrance to the field is not the same as the house.
You will never be able to have just one horse, no matter what people will tell you, one on its own is not humane.
You will never be able to have a spontaneous night away, someone must be there to see to the horses.

And the big one. HUGE problems with ever going away on holiday.

The girls will inevitably outgrow the horses as our boys outgrew sailing when they went off to university. Luckily you could sell a boat back then and downsize to a single hander for DH. It's still a bloody expensive hobby.

Stand firm DH. My grandchildren ride, they live in the country with a few acres but crucially don't own their own horses. My son has stood firm there. We don't talk about the costs of owning poultry though 😁😁

My wife works 4 days, and we pay for the horses jointly. I pay a bigger share because I earn more, which is fair.

Out of interest, how much of the family budget goes on something that you love to do? Probably very little?
Your needs and wants are being neglected here.
I have certain hobbies as does my other half. We each spend our own money on them, not expect the other to stump up. Admittedly children aren’t involved but surely you can see you’re being used here?

Have you since been able to learn? asking as it was my dream to learn the piano as a child and I started lessons 4 years ago and absolutely love it.