To not want to spend more money on horses?

[tommyknocker1982]

My wife and I are at loggerheads on this, so I'm looking for outside opinions...

Bit of background - we're in our 40's and both work, and we have 2 daughters, 15 and 12. I don't ride but my wife and daughters do. We bought our first horse a couple of years ago. I was firmly against it, but my family appealed constantly, and my wife provided a breakdown of the costs, which turned out to be a wild underestimate.

A year later, that horse had some health issues and my wife said he wasn't suitable for our youngest daughter. So, I switched to work full time and we bought a second horse. Since then, the horse related costs have escalated endlessly (vets, van hire, trips to the saddlery...) and I'd guess we now spend around £25k a year on horses.

I've agreed to getting a 4x4 and horse trailer, but the next ask is that my wife wants us to move to a "house with land", so that she can keep the horses at home.

And this is where we clash. Acres of land in the south east is expensive, and would mean either moving into a worse house than we have now, or taking out a huge mortgage. I don't want an equestrian lifestyle. I don't want the extra maintenance, I don't like the smell, and I don't want to live in a rural backwater so I can have animals staring at me through my kitchen window. Am I being unreasonable to say "no, I don't want to spend any more on horses"?

I Am Being Unreasonable - I should agree to my wife's demand. Live a life I don't want, and probably face more escalating costs even with them living with us at home.

I Am NOT Being Unreasonable - I say "enough is enough". We spend enough already and need to draw a line under it.

They're currently on 5 day livery. We do the jobs at weekends, the yard owners do it during the week. But obviously any maintenance / management is handled by the yard owners.

YANBU - You've compromised enough!

Horses are great, but they are really expensive.
Perhaps ask for advice on The Tack Room Board? Good luck!

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/the_tack_room

This. Or she needs to get a mountain bike. Much easier all round!

Don’t do it. I grew up with horses. And lots of sisters who rode. Dad earned plenty of money. We had land (back in the day when it wasnt £60,000 an acre)
we never had a single family holiday because of horses. life revolved around them.

I've owned and competed horses all my life so I'm aware of how much hay and vets bills can cost. You do not need to spend anything remotely like 25k a year to keep 2 horses.

I’m in agreement with you. I’ve previously had 2 large breed dogs, one oldie, one puppy- and I absolutely loved having the two together!
This was 11 years ago though… I now have a 2 year old same breed, and as much as I’d love another, I know I’m too old and too creaky to deal with two!.

OP, you really have to be honest here - are you just working to provide the “horsey lifestyle?” Is that how the family is seeing you? I get the impression that your feelings and opinions don’t count for much.
I know (from several friends) that horses are a money pit, it never ends, and now you’re being pressured to move for more horses, more land…

Does anyone care about you, and your life?

It doesn’t sound like it. I’m sorry.

I have horses at home. It’s possibly a little cheaper than livery, and nicer, but MUCH more time consuming. And two horses is a dodgy number - they become joined at the hip and it’s very hard to take one out for a ride without the other. I guarantee that a third or fourth will be needed to balance the herd. And it will be much harder to go on holiday etc. it sounds like they’re planning to compete if they need a trailer, which will lead to more money and probably more vets bills. Then the trailer won’t be big enough for all three of them to go out, so they’ll want a box. And they might struggle with the horses at home initially and need more lessons. It could escalate and escalate. And all the while you’re in an area you’re not sure about and they’re busy with the horses all the time.
But I don’t know what the answer is. It sounds like you’re already in the thick of it anyway! So glad I married a similar minded man who likes the horses and the small holding- because it is a money and time pit.

Neither of you is unreasonable IMO but the lack of alignment is obviously a problem. It's an expensive hobby - there is no limit to the amount of money you can spend. We had horses when I was growing up and it did give me some wonderful experiences (for my Mum too) and it taught me a lot of good stuff.

I think your financial situation is probably the key here - if you can afford it then I'd be happy they are happy. If it's a genuine stretch then they need to rein it in (see what I did there).

Do you get involved at all? On the rare occasion my Dad used to take me to Horse Shows he used to sit in the car and read the newspaper then complain that he was left out of everything.

Get yourself out into the countryside, it’ll be good for you.

I came on to say similar…do not estimate how tying they are, and paying a groom isn’t cheap.

Everyone dreams of having horses at home but the reality is quite different. It’s not a cheaper option, all things considered ie maintenance, and it’s very hard work.

Plus land is just the start of it…arenas, fencing, etc aren’t cheap either.

I cannot reiterate how tying it can be. There are hardier types that can live out but your horses don’t strike me as that type.

If you make her choose, she’ll choose the horses. I had horses but they didn’t cost me 25k a year, nowhere near.

Depending on the vet bills, etc., I would say it’s easily done!

Don’t do it . If your heart’s not totally sold on it , really, really don’t do it . Because you have to love it that much to not mind all the extra hard work and expense that comes with it . The cost of fencing is astronomical alone , and is a constant maintenance task . Painting it , putting it back up,after one of the hay monsters has scratched their arse on it again . Spending hours walking the electric fence line to find where its failed . Dealing with hedge and tree maintenance . Working out your field rotation and spraying plan every year , and then finding a contractor to spray it for you at the right time . Muck heap removal . Trying to source a reliable hay/straw/bedding supplier . And then doing some of that , in the rain, in the half light of February , when the wind’s blowing in direct for Norway , but if you don’t fix it, the horses can’t go out at all . I absolutely guarantee that they will ride less than they did before , because that maintenance has to be done . And if they don’t do it, well then you either need to hire people , or it’s going to be you . And if you aren’t that keen in the beginning , well you’re really going to loathe it in the 3rd week of January when everything freezes .

WTF? I can't imagine how living in a place and with a lifestyle he doesn't want that he has to work extra for will be 'good for him'. Or ultmately, his marriage. I live in the country and it's grand but it's not magic.

I don’t spend anything like that nowadays, but if (for each horse) they spend £100/wk on part livery that’s £5k/year. If they spend £200 in entries/travel every month and £150 on lessons that’s another £4k a year, then if you add a couple of £1000 in vets bills/new rugs/trailer or 4x4 insurance and maintenance it easily adds up to £12k for one horse. So I can imagine someone could run up bills like that. One of my friends has a daughter doing two BE events a month plus several clinics and lessons plus camps. And a wonderful full livery stable. I would imagine her bills are over £20k a year for just the one horse.
We are on our last horse. When he goes we will be able to retire!

There is a world of difference between having them on 5 day livery and at home. I’d suggest they move into full diy to see how they get on. I can only do diy now because I’m retired but I still pay someone to put them out first thing! As others have said, so much time spent poo picking, fencing, sweeping, organising …
I absolutely love it, but I’ve now got the time. I dont see how you can move from 5 day livery to home without it being a massive shock.

Your paying towards the horse? You have sacrificed enough. Say no.

Not sure what industry you're in, but I'd be really wary of taking out a 'huge mortgage' in your forties, have you thought about what age you'd need to work until if you did? And you said your children are 12 and 15, is the older one planning to go off to uni in a few years?
It sounds like it's being sold as 'for the family' but I'm a little bit sceptical this is your wife's dream - even the most motivated horsey girls tend to slack off a bit in their teens, and if you move out to the sticks they might be less keen in a few years when they want to spend more time with friends/partners and thinking about where they need to be for careers.

time to divorce

I’m going to say YABU as I love horses and wanted one myself and my dad said no 🙁

You aren't being unreasonable. Horses are a passion, as they should be for proper care etc, and it can really become a huge lifestyle for some that they can't imagine living without.

It's a luxury however and if it can't be afforded it just can't. They need to compromise, you can't keep spending what you don't have on what I'd essentially an expensive pet/hobby.

Two horses on 5 day livery is £15k. Add on vet bills, farrier, food, box hire for days out, lessons, insurance, trips to the saddlery etc... the other week we spent nearly £200 for one to have his sheath cleaned! Apparently he's a sensitive boy, bless him :)

So you’re essentially working extra hours for a horse? Absolutely not OP. If your wife wants horses then she needs to find a way to pay for them. I would take this opportunity to draw a line in the sand and row back on what you’re doing now, never mind adding more! And if your daughters want horses then they can start paying for their upkeep. The 15 year old can get a PT job and start contributing. Stop this madness now. You should never feed someone’s obsession, regardless of what that obsession is. You wouldn’t spend £25k/year on gambling for example.

Are you my husband 😂 the only answer I have is for you to pick an equally expensive hobby. I think DH manages to make his cycling hobby equally as expensive. We have one rule in this house - don’t ask how much anything horse or bike related costs - and it makes for a happy household