To not want to spend more money on horses?

[tommyknocker1982]

My wife and I are at loggerheads on this, so I'm looking for outside opinions...

Bit of background - we're in our 40's and both work, and we have 2 daughters, 15 and 12. I don't ride but my wife and daughters do. We bought our first horse a couple of years ago. I was firmly against it, but my family appealed constantly, and my wife provided a breakdown of the costs, which turned out to be a wild underestimate.

A year later, that horse had some health issues and my wife said he wasn't suitable for our youngest daughter. So, I switched to work full time and we bought a second horse. Since then, the horse related costs have escalated endlessly (vets, van hire, trips to the saddlery...) and I'd guess we now spend around £25k a year on horses.

I've agreed to getting a 4x4 and horse trailer, but the next ask is that my wife wants us to move to a "house with land", so that she can keep the horses at home.

And this is where we clash. Acres of land in the south east is expensive, and would mean either moving into a worse house than we have now, or taking out a huge mortgage. I don't want an equestrian lifestyle. I don't want the extra maintenance, I don't like the smell, and I don't want to live in a rural backwater so I can have animals staring at me through my kitchen window. Am I being unreasonable to say "no, I don't want to spend any more on horses"?

I Am Being Unreasonable - I should agree to my wife's demand. Live a life I don't want, and probably face more escalating costs even with them living with us at home.

I Am NOT Being Unreasonable - I say "enough is enough". We spend enough already and need to draw a line under it.

Looking from the outside as someone who lives in an area surrounded by horseiculture, I can fully understand why you are spending £25k and whilst moving to your own land you really need to know what you are doing. There's a field near me which, most years, should provide a sizable amount of the 20 or so horses on its food. Its been badly grazed. They have sited the dung heap in the furthest corner which is the most sheltered and thd field shelter faces north. Its a barren wasteland every single summer.

Plus you benefit at the moment of the livery yards bulk buying of feed etc. You will need to sort it yourself and a supplier of bedding etc...which will be more expensive

So you are actually going to increase your costs and what happens when Dd1 leaves for uni, or they get bord with it or want to spend Saturdays in the nearest town?

Show your wife this thread tell her that you understand what she is saying but there are so many negatives that unless you can move somewhere super cheap (which brings its own issues) its a real worry for you.

I was working 4 days before, but went back to full time. My wife works 4 days. I wouldn't want or expect her to work full time - it wouldn't make acres of land any more affordable, so she may as well enjoy the day off with the horses.

Then you don't look after them full time even! Livery is a huge expense you could cut that down by half by doing it yourself, put them on diy livery,it will be much cheaper. Bearing in mind if you have them at home you'll save a fortune in livery costs, you will just have to buy feed,hay,bedding no labour costs. Obviously shoes vets worming but you'll pay that regardless of where they are. IMO youre no where near ready to have horses at home, you only look after them 2 days a week, 5 days someone else does them!!
Iam 53, I had my first pony age 13, I cycled 6.30am before school to a farm with my friend where we stabled them, to muck out etc, and same again after school to look after our own ponies,your daughters don't know theyre born!

Horses make people calm, content and happy. Honestly when I used to ride they always told us buy the horse before you date because horses take over your life, are so expensive and will be part of your family and already in your finances. I never got a horse. Op just please. Just get on board😉

This is reason one why I married someone who loves the country and is happy to own land.

DH pays 100% for all of my horse related costs, it was a non negotiable before marriage and children.

I have horses, and I moved to my own farm to have them at home. It was a dream of mine so I made it happen. But I did this as an adult

In your shoes I would say no.
Do not under estimate how much work is required to have them at home. You could be in the position of swapping livery fees for mortgage payments, but then having to do all the work. There's always weeds to treat, fencing to repair, grass to top etc. Its endless

I can then picture two become three (separation anxiety), kids lose interest and you have a field full of retirees.

She can have it if she works enough to cover the costs

I remember my divorce barrister asking "you don't have horses do you?" I said "No, why?" He replied "Good, because they make financial settlement negotiations very difficult!"

I was the husband..

Definitely agree that you need to curb it.

Is there a way to accommodate what you both want? A rural location not too far from where you are now that could make you both happy?
Does your wife work? Personally I think I’d struggle feeling as if I worked to finance someone else’s hobby. I feel as if the equivalent would be my husband wanting me to buy him a nice car every few years.
How is your retirement provision?

My youngest daughter kept two horses for a few years, and I can honestly say I am so glad that she doesn’t have them anymore. The number of times I had to trek up and down to the yard at unsociable hours before and after work because she was unwell and there was nobody else to do it is unreal. And as you say, horses are expensive the farrier, the kit, the feed the vet bills a never ending litany of costs

You don't get a vote if you're not the one paying.

AIBU. I have sons who are football mad. It is their passion so I think it is perfectly reasonable to spend £25000 a year on season tickets/ following foreign tours/ going to all tournaments
and I also want to move to an area with academies and spend all my free time ferrying my boys to training

i also love football, my partner doesn’t but they should suck it up and work more hours to fund or hobby?

can’t see many women saying this is ok

I know it's been said already, but it's absolutely bonkers that she's thinking of going from 5 day livery to having horses at home.
If you don't feel able to fully say no at the moment, at minimum I'd be stopping the livery and seeing how your wife and kids take that responsibility - especially in winter, with the dark mornings. They might argue that they wouldn't have the travel time if the horses were at home, but realistically they'd have more work to do if the horses were at home, plus more travel for their own work/study because you'd be living more rurally (and a risk your wife would be to go back FT to manage the mortgage, especially if say, interest rates went up?)

£200 for a sheath cleaning?! Takes 5 minutes, a pair of disposable gloves, and a bucket of warm water.

Maybe if you had horses you wouldn’t have needed the barrister.

Horses are a lifestyle. That's why I didn't get one in the end
I don't think you can go back now. You have bought them as a family and this is your life now.
But I agree to changing them to DIY livery before you even consider buying a home with land. Safe the money and see how that works out.

I would also be cautious in regards to your DD's. How serious are they? What are their dreams & your expectations in regards to education? Uni? Local college? Something to do with animals or something else?

I think a lot of points have been covered but I would add that chances are the facilities you can afford to buy will be worse than the ones you can afford at livery. Having a ménage, show jumps, horse walker etc. Having other people around especially if you or your wife aren't around due to work can be great for your kids. Safer and means they get a social side too although that depends on the livery yard.

I also think having other people around who really know about horses is useful. I appreciate your wife might be very knowledgeable so not necessarily needed.

Absolutely not. The kids, who contribute nothing financially, don’t get a say. And the adults need to be mature and decide enough is enough unless op’s wife wants to foot the bill. YANBU op. Your wife is selfish,

Can you sell the horse that is no longer suitable? Would that half the costs?

(Disclaimer, I don't much about horses, one end bites and the other kicks)

Don’t listen to all these green eyed monsters OP. They are just jealous of your wife’s lifestyle and so are encouraging you to put a stop to it. Speak to her and come to a sensible compromise that you are both happy with if you can. If not, then you really compatible as a couple?

That's hilarious. I can imagine nothing less appealing than the horsey lifestyle - and the attitude of the horsey people on this thread (suck it up, 'happy wife, happy life', horses are an addiction which must be fed whatever the cost, you're a soulless monster if you don't get it, etc ) certainly wouldn't help change my mind.

You are never going to get sensible answers here @tommyknocker1982 as there are loads of horse addicts on MN. As the thread thus far has shown, the horse addicts are all trying to convince you to lead the horse life you dont want.

For me, if she wants to move, she needs to fund the extra on the mortgage and the horse costs herself, and move to DIY livery for a minimum of a year to prove that she can actually care for them if you do buy land. Because right now it sounds like she wants you to pay for everything, and has no idea of the reality of 24/7 horse care. She is like the kid who wants a dog and will "definitely" walk it and bath it and feed it......reality is that they just want to play with it and someone else to do the work.

Having owned horses and a large home with land for many years I can guarantee that your expenses will be much more vast than any reasonable forecasting may dream up. Injuries, vet bills, insurance, equine massages, tack, motor repairs and feed will be such a big spend.

Once you have the horses on site you will need to think about helpers to assist if you ever go away on holiday. The slog is endless, especially once you need to rug or use sunscreen. I don’t miss any of it.

I think you’ve been incredibly reasonable- send your wife out to earn the £££ she needs for her horse dreams.

How on earth have you two not had a conversation about lifestyle preferences before getting married and having children? Seems like you want completely different things that don't go hand in hand. That's a big problem. I mean I'm with you but with people like your wife, they don't think sensibly about living below one's means. It's obviously the smart thing to do, to not stretch yourself financially thin with large mortgages and horses. But really, all 8f this should have been agreed upon a long time ago. I'm not sure what can be done. You both need to make major sacrifices for one another.

I agree that moving to DIY livery sounds like a good idea. You'll save money and if your wife and daughters tire of mucking out the horses at 6am throughout the winter, then they should quietly drop the of idea of a horsey life in the countryside.