Husband is a boring bastard

[bosslady24]

Sorry but it’s true. He works full time and helps around the house but has no interest in family life, days out etc. We had a holiday this year that he was miserable for. Didn’t really want to leave the resort as it would be ‘too much hard work’ with our youngest. If ever he can get out of opting out of something he will. When he has our youngest on his own there are a select few activities he might do like the park or NT but would never dream of taking her to the cinema or swimming because it’s too difficult. Whenever I suggest getting in the car and going somewhere he will huff and claim he has too much to be doing at home or that he’s ill/tired/skint. I don’t want to be busy every weekend but feel as parents we have an obligation to do stuff with our kids when we can and give them a good childhood. He is just lazy and disinterested.

There is an age gap between us - he’s in his early 50s now with a 3 year old and I understand it’s difficult. In hindsight he probably didn’t fully appreciate what having a child later in life means. But she’s here now and I’m finding his lack of enthusiasm for anything quite a turn off. I have resolved to start doing things alone with dc (I have an older child from previous marriage) but I find it sad that I’m with someone who doesn’t share my values around this stuff.

Leaving isn’t an option for me at the moment but I just need to vent. If I bring this up with him he will list a load of excuses and/or sulk so it’s not worth it. It’s bank holiday coming up and I said I might take the dc away for a night and he is practically gleeful about the prospect of being left alone. I don’t get that opportunity because he’d never offer to take them anywhere himself.

My parents were mid 50s when I had my DC and, actually I was going to say they'd have been exhausted doing it full time but they both managed to be more active with him than your husband seems to be!

Respectfully, there’s a reason men in their fifties are too old to have children. He’s knackered. He very clearly doesn’t have it in him to be a dad of a young child. I don’t think either of you understood what having a baby at that age would be like. Both of you have fucked up here. I mean, he may just be a rubbish and uninvolved father anyway, especially if he’s trying to wriggle out of doing things when you’re there too, but his age is only ever going to exacerbate that.

You might find that he gets better as your DD gets older and starts to do things where she’ll sit still for a while. But if you’re expecting him to suddenly become involved, I think you’re flogging a dead horse. I think giving him an ultimatum would be pointless; it sounds like he’s quite excited about being free from family life. Just do as much as you can with your DD until you’re in a position to leave.

I suppose you’re right. We met later on in life and he’d never had kids but was always good with my eldest. It was discussed, it wasn’t unplanned but I suppose neither of us really understood what it would be like until it happened. However I do know of other older dads who are far more engaged. I don’t expect him to be up at the arse crack of dawn for family adventures every day but his general lack of enthusiasm is so draining. I want someone who is keen to try new things and go places with the kids, to give them memories. If it were left up to him we’d sit at home 7 days a week.

I know there’s nothing I can do now, we are where are we are and I can’t change him. I’m just sad and frustrated. But I’m going to channel that into doing things alone with dc or with friends.

This is his first child?! That’s even harder, he’s never had ti deal with the chaos a young child brings, and he’s over fifty!!! How long are ye together? Op if you just had a child with him you must like him enough to sit down either way him and see how he feels, if he’s depressed, exhausted or anything else.

I mean more fool the pair of you for having a kid when he’s that age and not anticipating this - but at some point it was agreed that the baby would be welcomed and at that point he should have resolved to be the best parent he could be. How old are the other dc?
Of course some older parents will have bags of energy but some won’t.
My sil and bil are grandparents in their early 50’s. For a variety of reasons they have ended up as quite a major figure of care for the young dc and I’m constantly in awe of the activities (and very physical, swimming every weekend, park, soft play etc and they are in there joining in with them,) they do with them and with the frequency they carry them out. They don’t have them 100% of the time though.
he sounds unlikely to change so unless you’re going to make changes (also unlikely as you said you just want to vent and that’s fair enough but you’re going to get responses here saying LTB etc etc regardless) you’d better get used to carrying everything on your own shoulders.

I wonder if he was good with your eldest because they didn’t require that much from him. A three year old has got to be one of the most labour intensive stages going. Plus he was probably trying to impress you. You had nothing to compare it to. And it does sound like he’s lazy as well as knackered. All you can really do is make sure she grows up knowing it was him, not her.

focus on being a great mum, maybe his role will be better once she is a bit older. Its all a season. Do not let that statement of you fucked up get to you, that is cruel on you and your much loved and wanted child!

"There is an age gap between us - he’s in his early 50s now with a 3 year old and I understand it’s difficult. In hindsight he probably didn’t fully appreciate what having a child later in life means."

YOU also chose to have a child with an old man.

What a his job? Some jobs are especially exhausting, mentally or physically. I know there's no way I could have coped with a FT job and bringing up a 3yo. Are you working? Will you work when she starts school? Any chance he can cut his hours?

I am in the same situation and as my daughter is an only child I gave up waiting for him and just take her on my own. I realise that may not be as easy with 2. However over the years as my daughter has grown so has their relationship. Now he does a lot more off his own back. He could do much more and I still get resentful, it will never be perfect but the baby/toddler years were very hard and now things are easier. Hang in there if you really can’t leave, I felt the same for a long time. Now I feel like I could leave but obviously not without heartache for my daughter.

Sounds like you didn’t understand what having a child later in life means either OP. It’s not like i
his age is a surprise. Can you try and focus on the relationship to see if there’s still anything between you? If not start planning to leave in the future

It’s not meant to be cruel. It’s meant to highlight that we get to choose who we have children with and that there’s no point putting all of the blame on him not realising what having a young child would involve when the OP was fully aware of his age. She took a risk and it didn’t pay off. So all she can do now is try her best to make sure that her DD understands that it’s not her fault he’s not as involved as he could be.

Agree with @TheFormerMrsTruelove it rarely ends well having a big age gap - like one big enough to be parent and child, and a man in his 50s having a toddler is a recipe for disaster. It's bad enough for women who have babies in their mid 40s/infant age children at 50. It's exhausting, and incredibly hard work at that age, but most men are - by their very nature - lazy and unmotivated when it comes to domesticity. So many will distance themselves and leave everything to the wife...

No advice @bosslady24 but I'm not sure what you expected, getting into a relationship with a much older man. I think you will have to accept that you are poles apart and create your own social life, and life with your DC that largely excludes your DH.

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I mean, I'm only 37 and wouldn't want to be running around after a 3yo - it can hardly be surprising that a 50+ year old isn't interested.

Yes, this.. ^

I think you hit the nail on the head when you said you’ll do things alone with dc. He might come along anyway.
My husband and I had the opposite - he likes to go out, I like to stay at home. We talked about it and realised that while neither is right or wrong, the other person needs to be happy. I did make more of an effort to go out because it was important to him, but equally he was then more aware and understanding that I sometimes really need a rest.
It’s like everything in marriage - a bit of understanding and give and take goes a long way…

Ey?!? My DH was early 50s with a 3 year old. He’s more active than me 😂
we‘re off doing stuff all the time.
On MN people seem to be decrepit by the time they turn 49 and ready for the care home. Bizarre!!! I genuinely don’t know any 50 year olds who like to do nothing.

he sounds checked out rather than too old. That’s a totally different matter.

My dad was an older dad. He was very much in.my childhood. Some of my best memories are theme park rides with him. I often wonder if it was loosing his first wife in his 30s that gave him a different perspective on life.

I’m early 50s and tired at the thought of having a 3 year old. He does sound boring though.

My parents were old when they had me (early 40s). Although I was always aware they were older, they were very energetic up until they died in their 90s.

I think you’ve just discovered that he’s not an engaged dad. Not necessarily to do with age (there are plenty of younger dads who reveal this also!). I’m with a 51 year old dad of our 5 yo DD and he is a very active parent (alongside a physical job) so it’s totally possible. DP is more engaged than some of his/our friends because he didn’t think kids would happen for him so he’s so grateful and makes DD his focal point, no lads holidays or hobbies, he just enjoys spending time with us. Just so you know it’s absolutely not just “he’s too old”, it’s him and likely he’d be the same if he was 30.

Plenty of people 50 (and over) do lots of things, and want to do lots of things/experience lots of things...

Having a 3 year old full time dictating everything you do (and running around after them) is not one of them.

People over 50 want to be winding down and chilling and relaxing and doing their own thing. The vast majority do not want to be dealing with a toddler.

This is the reason you get Over 50s child free holidays.

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I'm sorry but he's only in his 50s, not 70's 😂
My dp, (mid 60's) runs about and would do anything for the 8yr old.
Guess it depends on attitude/health though

DH is a bit younger than yours and our youngest is three but he’s DH’s fourth child so he knew what we were getting into going again, I expect that’s the big difference. He’s got a creaky elbow but he’s the one crawling round the floor being a horse with DS on his back, throwing him up in the air, tripping off to the park while I’m working, playing tea parties on the floor. Having older ones he’s aware of how quickly time flies and things change so he’s actually better at. Does DH not realise what he’s missing out on?

He is far too old to be a dad but I guess you know that now.
Just do things alone with your dd and try and make her childhood good.

and... you missed the point that, kid aint going to be 3 forever, maybe he brings more to the dad side when she a bit older. its not got to be all doom and gloom, op deserved to have a child with the man she loves and its not her fault he is struggling with a young kid. Yes it sucks, but as long as he is not abusive.