Husband is a boring bastard

[bosslady24]

Sorry but it’s true. He works full time and helps around the house but has no interest in family life, days out etc. We had a holiday this year that he was miserable for. Didn’t really want to leave the resort as it would be ‘too much hard work’ with our youngest. If ever he can get out of opting out of something he will. When he has our youngest on his own there are a select few activities he might do like the park or NT but would never dream of taking her to the cinema or swimming because it’s too difficult. Whenever I suggest getting in the car and going somewhere he will huff and claim he has too much to be doing at home or that he’s ill/tired/skint. I don’t want to be busy every weekend but feel as parents we have an obligation to do stuff with our kids when we can and give them a good childhood. He is just lazy and disinterested.

There is an age gap between us - he’s in his early 50s now with a 3 year old and I understand it’s difficult. In hindsight he probably didn’t fully appreciate what having a child later in life means. But she’s here now and I’m finding his lack of enthusiasm for anything quite a turn off. I have resolved to start doing things alone with dc (I have an older child from previous marriage) but I find it sad that I’m with someone who doesn’t share my values around this stuff.

Leaving isn’t an option for me at the moment but I just need to vent. If I bring this up with him he will list a load of excuses and/or sulk so it’s not worth it. It’s bank holiday coming up and I said I might take the dc away for a night and he is practically gleeful about the prospect of being left alone. I don’t get that opportunity because he’d never offer to take them anywhere himself.

Cringe post. My dh is 52 and we had kids later in life. He worked today, came home and then we cut down a tree, cut the grass and trimmed the bushes. We have been on the go all day. Lazy bastards can be young or old. Lazy is lazy. Age doesn’t define this.

So how was he before you had a child with him? did he want to do lots of stuff back then and changed overnight when he became a parent?

He sounds set in his ways and struggling to adapt to being a dad. What did you expect have a kid with a 50yo?

I’m almost 50 and my partner is over that. We have a 10 year old and a 7 year old. Both of us have health conditions (mine I have been hospitalised for) and yes, I’m afraid you do just have to suck it up to give your kids a decent childhood. I’m knackered pretty much all the time but parenting means putting your kids first.

Depends on the person. Late 40s/50s some start getting tired.
But.. really he could try to do something Saturdays and relax sundays..

Also they do say autistic people tend to have kids older so could that be a factor? Just not that interested in young kids?

He is not old. I know lots of parents and grandparents who love doing stuff with their kids who are older than your husband. He just doesn't seem interested in you or your daughter, which is sad. Accept this and do stuff just the 2 of you. It might push him into joining in if his relationship is suffering with you both, or it will go the other way and you will realise that you never needed him anyway as brings nothing to the table. Don't think you aren't in a position to leave him, you would get help via UC and child maintenance from your husband and possibly spousal maintenance.

I don’t agree with this. He’s not “too old”. I think it’s his personality/he’s lazy/he’s perhaps depressed.
My DH is very hands on and energetic with our ‘tweens and he’s older than OP’s DH.

I’d love to see what would be said if the roles were reversed here, I wonder if an older mother would be given as much grace….

One example does not make the rule.

My husband was aged 46 and 48 when our two kids were born. I am seven years younger, so also an older parent. Now aged 12 and 10, he's the one that takes them mountain biking and swimming, and volunteers at their sports club, while working full time as a carpenter. I also work full time (and also doing professional qualifications) and do a lot of running about to kids activities. It's all about mindset.

If you want to see the patriarchy in action read the responses on this post, where a woman gets shit for a grown man who
impregnated her making minimal effort with his child. Also, the argument that he was like this before is a load of shite. Plenty of parents have had to change and adapt and behave differently to how they were before they had children, because that’s what parents are supposed to do, to prioritise their kids.

Totally unhelpful post. The OP had a reasonable expectation of an active and engaged co-parent. The fact that her DH isn’t these things is not the OP’s fault

So women have no say in the impregnation, i presume it helps to know someone well before having children and accept who they are as they are if you decide to get pregnant by them? same as it would be odd for a man to complain about the mother of his child if she is who she is and he expected change

Maybe people need to think carefully before having children?

Lots of older men agree with having kids just to keep the young new wife. As you can see, it works. You're now trapped with him and he's not doing a lot.

How old are you? You mention he's older, and you've had a baby 3 years ago, so I assume you're in an age gap relationship.

Unfortunately, age isn't just a number, as many will have you believe. And that's what you're experiencing now. You don't have to leave your marriage, but you do need to find a way to accept that your husband is older and doesn't have the same patience for parenting as a younger man.

I do think you should talk to him about his negative attitude though. That's not an age issue, that's a mindset issue.

Just to offer two thoughts. First, toddler years can be tough and it may be he gets more involved as your child gets older. I’m not saying his current lack of engagement is ok but if you’re not in the position to leave it is possible things will get better. The second point is to perhaps think about what his strengths are and make the most of those. If he says he’d got jobs to do in the house, nail down what he’s saying needs doing and let him get on with it and go out for the day with a friend or other family member. If the park is the only thing he’s up for doing solo with your child, get him to do that a few times a month.

How can you possibly know what kind of a parent someone is going to be before they become one? Obviously Dh has many good qualities or I wouldn’t have married him. We were both always aware that he would be an older dad but as he’s fit and healthy it didn’t seem like a big deal.

Not to mention the child in the scenario too. Some are just easier to manage than others. Should I have predicted that too?

I did write my op in a bit of a vent but I’ve taken a lot of things on board too. He does work hard and he does help around the house. He just isn’t the most proactive or engaged when it comes to what I would call ‘experiences’ for the kids. Days out, trips, holidays etc. He will go if I insist but I don’t want to have to insist or get into a debate about it so I’ve resolved not to force it and just do things alone or with friends.

@bosslady24 Why is it a requirement for your husband to do activities with you?

Presumably you were capable of doing your own activities and hobbies before you met your husband. So why can you not do your own activities now?

I’m 55 and there’s no way I’d want to deal with FT work and a 3 year old.

I wonder if he really wanted this child or whether you lobbied for it as you wanted another? To get this age with no kids suggests he wasn’t that interested.

A lot of super energetic 50 + dads on this thread!
In real life, I believe age is quite important and not just a number.

I don't think his age is the sole problem. I'm sure you'd be ok with it if he had an honest conversation with you about what his capabilities are and negotiated that you all did something fun as a family every x weeks or if he said, 'I'll do this on Saturday morning but can you cover the afternoon because I'll need a rest by then'....or similar. Not wanting to do anything ever, moaning and sulking is way beyond that and deeply unattractive. It's very sad that he seems to take no pleasure in being with his only child. I would have to take him to task on it but if he won't ever admit he's letting you and your daughter down then I suppose you just have to get on with it as you are. Not sure I could stay married to him in the longer term if it was me. Plenty of older men make great dads - I wouldn't want to be with one that doesn't.

What was he like before you had your daughter? Were you off out doing things, travelling, days out etc at the weekends? It would seem odd if his personality has completely shifted from someone who wants to be out gallivanting to a homebody.

To be brutally honest, all of my friends with older husbands that became dads in their late 40s and are now in their 50s have the same issue as you. I suppose if a man got to that stage of life without having children there's a reason for it. I do think anecdotally though things have got easier as the children have become older.

When I met my DH, I was early twenties and he was late, but always old before his time and our relationship dynamic was similar to yours. I did the same as you, socialising and doing things with our DD alone. By our 40s, the cracks started to show and we ended up divorced. I hope that doesn't happen to you, but I personally ended up resenting a single life within our marriage and the black cloud he brought over anything fun we tried to do. We stayed the best of friends but I regret how things panned out.

This is true, it’s a fairly common pattern.

You’re so right, HE should have thought carefully before HE had children.

The only other thing I’d suggest to think about is communication. Again, I am not saying his behaviour is ok but just thinking of a way to try move things forward. How do your conversations go when you raise these issues? If he feels he’s being criticised, the instinctive response can often be defensive. Maybe try reframe things so a fuller conversation can be had where you both listen to each fully. I appreciate it takes two but just a thought.