Husband is a boring bastard

[bosslady24]

Sorry but it’s true. He works full time and helps around the house but has no interest in family life, days out etc. We had a holiday this year that he was miserable for. Didn’t really want to leave the resort as it would be ‘too much hard work’ with our youngest. If ever he can get out of opting out of something he will. When he has our youngest on his own there are a select few activities he might do like the park or NT but would never dream of taking her to the cinema or swimming because it’s too difficult. Whenever I suggest getting in the car and going somewhere he will huff and claim he has too much to be doing at home or that he’s ill/tired/skint. I don’t want to be busy every weekend but feel as parents we have an obligation to do stuff with our kids when we can and give them a good childhood. He is just lazy and disinterested.

There is an age gap between us - he’s in his early 50s now with a 3 year old and I understand it’s difficult. In hindsight he probably didn’t fully appreciate what having a child later in life means. But she’s here now and I’m finding his lack of enthusiasm for anything quite a turn off. I have resolved to start doing things alone with dc (I have an older child from previous marriage) but I find it sad that I’m with someone who doesn’t share my values around this stuff.

Leaving isn’t an option for me at the moment but I just need to vent. If I bring this up with him he will list a load of excuses and/or sulk so it’s not worth it. It’s bank holiday coming up and I said I might take the dc away for a night and he is practically gleeful about the prospect of being left alone. I don’t get that opportunity because he’d never offer to take them anywhere himself.

Same situation, similar aged DH, slightly older kids but otherwise - yes, everything is too hard. I have to organise everything as a result if we’re to ever have any family fun. I do resent it. He never just takes them out to do something spontaneously giving me a break. It is exhausting. I have questioned my marriage sometimes, but he is my best friend and the only man I’ve ever met where I feel like I still have more to say to him and want the conversation to keep going. I’m hoping it will improve when the kids are teens and more independent, but who knows.

Yeah, his age is a factor but I minor one.
DH is 52 1/2. He's currently home with 3 kids - 11, 6, 6. None of them could he described as low energy or easy. Today he was in the park by 10 am, had them in the water park, has taken them home, fed them, put them to bed. He did 2 kids for 5 nights when I was in hospital with eldest recently. He's perfectly able to parent despite his age because he wanted to be a parent. He doesn't get out of it cos he's not 21 any more

I couldn't agree with you more 😂
We have an 8yr old and he's up for anything to entertain them
My dp, mid 60's has way more ooomph than me, early 50's
Definately depends on attitude though

I hate comments like this tbh. I also had child with an “old man” (47 when we had our first) but I’m old too (was late 30s then) and neither of us had met anyone we felt able to have a family with earlier. People speak like it’s easy to find a man willing to share a life in your twenties. It’s not! Trust me, I tried!

I don't think it's just about health - my parents are insanely fit and healthy (my dad is 73 and runs 10 miles most days, for example) but they still wouldn't have wanted to run about after a toddler at age 3.

Their 50's was when they were heading into retirement and wanted to do stuff for themselves. But that's why they didn't have kids at those ages too.

An old man 😂

Get a grip of yourself, he's early 50s not fucking Methuselah.

You must realise that your husband is the exception to the rule. Most men who are not in their 50s with infant and junior school age children don't do all this. Or if they do, it will be once in a blue moon. Some men will still expect a medal for it too.

Early 50's is old to be a parent of a 3yo toddler though. There's a reason why people don't tend to begin the newborn stage when they're 10 years off retirement...

53 is not Methuselah - but it's too old to have a 3 year old. In the opinion of a lot of people.

The old man comment is so insulting and ageist that I’m not even going to bother quoting it. Only on MN could I be blamed for my husbands lack of interest despite him being fully aware of how baby’s are made. I get that it’s a struggle especially as our youngest is particularly full on but he is in good health, he is 51 not 81 and was in his mid to late forties when we conceived. I’m 40 so hardly a spring chicken myself but I manage to have the gumption to want to do stuff with my kids.

As pp have said, there are many ‘older dads’ who can do it so it feels like an active choice rather than an age related restriction.

Yeah, I guess it's about your outlook on life as well. We took on a fab 6yr old a couple of years ago. My dp is in his 60's and I think this decision has "made" him. He never had the chance to father his own child.

I think if I was you I’d think about if he is otherwise a good dad OP, with the exception of the days out. Lots of people, not just those over 50, find days out with a toddler to be intense and often more hassle and upset than the effort was worth but being a good parent doesn’t have to be all about days out. I’d feel differently if he was a dad who wants to stay at home with the TV on with a show he wants to watch, sitting relaxing vs if he was a dad who wants to stay at home but is sorting out some crafts, painting, setting up toys to play with together, reading together etc. Effort can look different to different people, I have a toddler & a baby and some of my mum friends who are far younger than 50 don’t like to take their toddler out for the day as it’s too difficult but are amazing
parents who make a huge effort with activities & play at home.

If he's never been a parent before he'll have had no idea what to expect - it's very well agreeing with the idea of having a child, but the reality is often nothing like that.

There's a HUGE difference between just turned 40 and 53 in terms of health, energy levels and what you want from life as well. 53 is when many people are starting to think about winding down towards retirement, not running about after a toddler.

I'd suggest a MOT at the docs, check bloods to see if low in iron or anything else to explain being tired. Ask him if he's depressed, if so, get some help.

Then I'd prob just give him no choice! It's fine to not want to go out all the time but it's absolutely not fine to be miserable when actually out as a family, that's childish and unkind. These are indeed your child's memories you're making and early 50's if not unwell or unfit is no age to act like a 100 year old.

Absolutely. Everyone is different.

I see grandparents in their eighties who manage full days of childcare and others who can't even walk unaided.

Nah, he's not really exceptional, sorry. Some of us do have engaging/involved older men in our lives. Thank goodness 😁

Unfortunately he agreed to have a child, he shouldn't get to opt out now just because it's tougher than he thought it would be.

I get that, but you have to accept that the person will be more tired!
Also, late 30s is not old. Late 40s is getting there, but OP's husband is in his 50s.
I saw the first line of this post and guessed it would be because the guy's older. It's normal to slow down as we get older!

This is kind of how I feel. All those blaming him/me for having a child later on…well what do you suggest? We can’t send her back. It’s not really helpful to tell us how foolish we’ve been over something that’s already done. Does he just get to opt out now because fatherhood wasn’t what he expected?

Any fwiw my dd is an absolute delight. Very hard work and slightly unhinged but certainly no mistake to either of us. He loves her even if he’s not the most hands on.

I never said he should get to opt out, I'm just saying his attitude and behaviour isn't particularly surprising, that's all.

It’s not necessarily his age, my DH is early 50s with a 5yo and he’s very very engaged with them and best dad ever. He plays footie, draws stuff, throws him on the bed, plays Lego or trains, makes dens. He doesn’t come out and about as much as me though, he prefers to stay at home. But that’s just his personality not his age.

To all the posters saying more fool u having a kid so old, as a first time dad he absolutely wouldn’t have known how hard it is with young kids of ur own. Can he do something easy with her like painting or drawing? It doesn’t have to be going out or physical. Good luck OP maybe he’s a bit depressed?

Disagree

Very rude and ageist comment , am surprised it's not been removed

How is it rude? She's blaming him for being older, but she knew his age! She also knew he wouldn't be as energetic as a younger father. Yes, that's a generalisation, but it's not ageist to say that younger people have more energy FFS.

At what point have I blamed his age? I’m doing the opposite. His age is no excuse. It’s his personality that’s the problem not his age.

I do understand that running around after small kids is hard work and gets harder as you get older. However he is not decrepit.