Husband is a boring bastard

[bosslady24]

Sorry but it’s true. He works full time and helps around the house but has no interest in family life, days out etc. We had a holiday this year that he was miserable for. Didn’t really want to leave the resort as it would be ‘too much hard work’ with our youngest. If ever he can get out of opting out of something he will. When he has our youngest on his own there are a select few activities he might do like the park or NT but would never dream of taking her to the cinema or swimming because it’s too difficult. Whenever I suggest getting in the car and going somewhere he will huff and claim he has too much to be doing at home or that he’s ill/tired/skint. I don’t want to be busy every weekend but feel as parents we have an obligation to do stuff with our kids when we can and give them a good childhood. He is just lazy and disinterested.

There is an age gap between us - he’s in his early 50s now with a 3 year old and I understand it’s difficult. In hindsight he probably didn’t fully appreciate what having a child later in life means. But she’s here now and I’m finding his lack of enthusiasm for anything quite a turn off. I have resolved to start doing things alone with dc (I have an older child from previous marriage) but I find it sad that I’m with someone who doesn’t share my values around this stuff.

Leaving isn’t an option for me at the moment but I just need to vent. If I bring this up with him he will list a load of excuses and/or sulk so it’s not worth it. It’s bank holiday coming up and I said I might take the dc away for a night and he is practically gleeful about the prospect of being left alone. I don’t get that opportunity because he’d never offer to take them anywhere himself.

My parents were grandparents in their 50s and were exhausted when they used to have mine just for a sleepover. Can't image how tiring it must be for him having a full time child.

I’m mid-50s and DC are young adults. I’d feel exhausted parenting a 3-year old full time - fills me w horror tbh. It was pretty knackering in my 30s as a healthy younger woman.
So he’s not particularly U, a child in your 50s is really a big life choice though so he should at least try.

This is ridiculous - 50's isn't old. I know loads of energetic people in their 50s. He just can't be arsed. This is laziness, not old age.
Plenty of men in their 30s and 40s also behave like this, and just want to opt out of the actual hard work of parenting.
OP, you might it improves as your DC get older, and there's less running around after them.

Why is it a requirement for your husband to do activities with you?

Is that a joke? Bare minimum of a marriage is wanting to spend time doing things together, and bare minimum of being a parent is wanting to do things with your kids so they have a nice life (even if it isn't what you would choose).

Being married or being a parent means you can't just opt out of it when you feel like it, leaving the other person to go it alone.. which is why you should think carefully before doing either!

He sounds thoroughly selfish.

Maybe your husband is struggling, he could be depressed &/ or very tired / lethargic / ill. Maybe he’s having a hard time being a dad for whatever reason. It sounds like a talk for the two of you could be important. It may be that if you share your frustrations with him and tell him what you need from him he would be able to step up? These things can turn into resentment in relationships if not dealt with. I know there is a part of it that may involve accepting him for how he is but also maybe if you talk to him he may open up about what’s going on with him or atleast get it off your chest about how you feel you are shouldering all the parenting

my DH has a progressive illness (Ménière’s) a couple of years before he was diagnosed he has little energy and desire to go out. He would complain about being tired and ill but I did not realise how this was affecting him until later. I sometimes got frustrated with him as I thought he was not making effort but actually he was unwell and I hadn’t realised it. I think talking to him would be important and I really hope this helps you both. Being a mum can be very lonely without a supportive and involved partner so I really hope you get the support you need.

Doesn't sound lazy, just knackered. And possibly regretting his life choices.

My ex was like that. Not interested in doing things. Even with the kids. I divorced her.

There are lots of 50 year old that run marathons. Doesnt mean we can all do it.

Sounds like he's just not bothered about doing anything that takes effort really. I would lay it out straight, what the bare minimum is that you expect from him trip or holiday wise and tell him that it's a very unattractive trait for a life partner not to want to do anything with his wife or kids.
If you don't resolve this it will cause resentment, unless you end up really enjoying your trip away with the kids without him.

@SandyHappyPerson Bare minimum of a marriage is wanting to spend time doing things together

A lot of people are introverted and don't want to go outside and do things, so clearly it is not, and should not, be a requirement of marriage that two people go out to do activities together.

Being married or being a parent means you can't just opt out of it when you feel like it, leaving the other person to go it alone

It would be different if he wasn't doing chores and was not making financial contributions to the relationship. That's not the case.

I don't think all these "you shouldn't have had a child with an older man" helpful at all. She's here now and is a blessing to you. The only thing you can control is yourself, so enjoy doing things on your own with your DC. It will be more fun than having a man moping around anyway. He might buck his ideas up because at the end of the day he's missing out. This would make me want to be more independent from him and he might notice you slipping away as well, also which might make him act.

Rubbish, re his age!
My last child was born when I was 45, & I had other young ones to look after. He just doesn't want to know, nothing to do with lack of energy.

This.

It doesn’t matter how old he is, he’s a parent and needs to parent. Like we all have to (man/woman, old/young). It’s not optional.

In his 50s, working full-time. I bet he is the main breadwinner? Means 50s, f/t work and the stress for providing for you all. He is exhausted. Leaving not an option? So does it mean you depend on him financially totally? So a word of advice - if you exploit him a bit less and let him rest, he might last in a decent working condition for slightly longer, so he could keep you all.

I am the main breadwinner in the family, but a woman. My family members know exactly the same - if they exploit me less, I might last a bit longer, so they know to tiptoe around me on holidays (paid by me) and don't bug me with days out when they think I might be tired and probably prefer to stay in, reading a book or just lying in bed with my eyes shut, rather than run around sightseeing.

How is he not parenting?

DH was 50 when our youngest was born. He always had lots of energy for father duties. And enjoyed it. He's good with the grandchildren too.

@bosslady24 He's not too old but too lazy. Or he's got health problems? My dh is 52 and he's very active. More so than my teenage boys. Maybe time for a check up at the GP?

I’ve a friend whose husband is in his mid 50s with a 5 year old. He’s exhausted , he was simply too old
to have a child

I'm 48, my husband is 50. We have a 11 years old and a 7 years old. We do way more active things than much younger parents. We're both healthy and reasonably fit. We're just back from a waterpark holiday abroad and we never had time to lounge! It's nothing to do with his age I suspect. Some people are just not into doing active stuff. However, as a parent, you have a duty to do interesting things with your kids. What's the point in having them otherwise? You are not unreasonable. He needs to sort this out.

Is he actually fit and healthy OP? I find my energy levels for DC and for life in general are so dependent on how fit and healthy I am, if I'm exercising and eating well etc. if he sits at a computer all day, drives to work and does nothing at home I can't imagine he is.

Funny how men in their fifties are too 'old and tired' to spend time with young children, but never seem to lack energy when it comes to having affairs.

Run like the wind <wise nod>

I was in a similar situation, although at your DH's age my DH was perhaps a bit more engaged. There is also an age gap between us.

I completely understand your frustration and I'm sorry to say that (IME at least) it just gets worse. Also the lack of interest or motivation has I believe in no small part hastened DH's Alzheimer's diagnosis. At 74 he has literally zero hobbies or interests and seems determined to spend the rest of his life watching reruns of Escape to the Country. We have no conversation and I'm at the stage where I actually look forward to work just to get me out the house.

The saddest part is that while DS (now in his early 20s and living away from home) loves DH, conversations are so stilted as DH has never made any effort to be involved in any of DS's interests as they were always too much hassle or not to his taste. I OTOH know far more about tractors, Pokémon, guitars, famous drummers and now, to my great bemusement, jazz music than I ever imagined possible!

I also cannot split from DH (well, I could but I'm not a completely heartless bitch) but I am carving myself a life for myself. If I could turn back the clock then I would have made very different decisions.

I truly hope you can find happiness in your situation 🙏🏼

Do you have alot of savings that allow you to work part time and have alot of time to spend with your 3 year old (whilst her boring bastard dad financially supports her)? That must give you more time to be creative and not just go to the park and NT properties with her like her boring bastard father does.

Hi OP! 👋
I'm sorry to hear this and I haven't RTFT, just your replies. I just wanted to add my two pence worth into the mix. 😇
Warning ⚠️ it's a long one 🤣

You say your husband was similar before you had your DC? Is he an introvert by any chance, or just maybe very tired?
If you are concerned, he may need a trip to the GP to get his bloods done and /or check for depression, to get it ruled out. 🏥

I would speak to him when little one is in bed and be honest and say you would like the 3 of you to have activities together, and see what one's he comes up with.
He likes taking DC to the park (that is my own DS personal fave) 😇
What types of things does he like that he could share with her?
Is he into trains, planes and automobiles? could he teach her to ride a balance bike or get her to ride inside a little Tikes cozy coupe toy car? 🚗
Does he like music, or art or model making?
Perhaps get messy with paint at the dining table? 🎨
Is he a great cook who could make some fun dishes with her? See what topping she likes on pancakes etc 🥞
Is he into magic tricks 🎩 or gardening? 💐

The reason I say this is because my husband is not into football, but my son has suddenly gained an interest after the world Cup, so he bought him a mini goal and football set ⚽️ that they play with together in the back yard.
Now my husband collects old 80s comic books and figures and our DS and him will play with them together for hours. 🦸‍♂️
They do activities (that the other one prefers) - together as a duo (I also join in most of these and we have fun).

If he cannot think of any activities (he may generally be stumped) then I would help and give him choices, such the following:

1. watching a movie at the cinema 🍿
2. Soft play session to burn some energy 🕺
3. Attending the local library on a Saturday late morning and reading books to her that she picks out? 📚
4. Have you got a beach nearby to build sandcastles? ⛱️
5. A local duck pond or canal, to (safely) stroll by and feed the ducks 🦆
6. Bowling alley fun 🎳
7. Swimming 🏊‍♂️
8. Visit an Aquarium 🐟
9. Visit a museum 🖼

10. Local fairground like Gullivers world maybe? 🎠

Or if he is a homebody, what about:

1. watching a movie at home with snacks 🍿
2. Baking and decorating cookies 🍪
3. Lego building 🟥
4. arts and crafts 🎨
5. Reading books with daddy 📚
6. Playing in the garden 🌳
7. Planting flowers
8. Building a fort 🏰
9. Playing puzzles/ games (age appropriate)
10. Play doh or similar.

We do alternate activities, so one weekend go out somewhere, and the next we do something at home.
Also once a month our DS gets to pick the activity, that way we all get a turn.

ETA:
For ideas I bought a pack called 52 activities to do with dad, and that had lots of ideas.
they also do a mum version which looks good.
Hope this helps 🫂
@bosslady24

Because when you are a couple or a parent, you do things together?
@bosslady24 I commented on your other thread. You need to talk to him. Gather your thoughts and prioritise what needs to change first. See if there's compromise. You've got Halloween/Christmas on the horizon and perhaps start with booking a couple of things. We all feel a bit fed up at various stages of our lives. Your little one will be a lot easier very soon. My grandchildren's Dad is the one who'll do swimming. Even if he picks one thing.