Husband is a boring bastard

[bosslady24]

Sorry but it’s true. He works full time and helps around the house but has no interest in family life, days out etc. We had a holiday this year that he was miserable for. Didn’t really want to leave the resort as it would be ‘too much hard work’ with our youngest. If ever he can get out of opting out of something he will. When he has our youngest on his own there are a select few activities he might do like the park or NT but would never dream of taking her to the cinema or swimming because it’s too difficult. Whenever I suggest getting in the car and going somewhere he will huff and claim he has too much to be doing at home or that he’s ill/tired/skint. I don’t want to be busy every weekend but feel as parents we have an obligation to do stuff with our kids when we can and give them a good childhood. He is just lazy and disinterested.

There is an age gap between us - he’s in his early 50s now with a 3 year old and I understand it’s difficult. In hindsight he probably didn’t fully appreciate what having a child later in life means. But she’s here now and I’m finding his lack of enthusiasm for anything quite a turn off. I have resolved to start doing things alone with dc (I have an older child from previous marriage) but I find it sad that I’m with someone who doesn’t share my values around this stuff.

Leaving isn’t an option for me at the moment but I just need to vent. If I bring this up with him he will list a load of excuses and/or sulk so it’s not worth it. It’s bank holiday coming up and I said I might take the dc away for a night and he is practically gleeful about the prospect of being left alone. I don’t get that opportunity because he’d never offer to take them anywhere himself.

Indeed!
I wonder how those poor, decrepit, over-the hill, members of Nursery staff will cope in their jobs while working until 67, if parents in their 50s struggle to interact with 3 yr olds.

My children have an older Dad. He spends lots of time doing things with them. I think it’s mind more than the number itself.

Good for you.

As if being a nursery staff member is the same as having your own 3 year old at 53. 🙄

Daft comment.

Plus, I have yet to meet a single nursery staff member over the age of 40.

The vast majority of people I know over 50 would rather stick pins in their eyes than work full time with toddlers and infants...

.

"I do understand that running around after small kids is hard work and gets harder as you get older. However he is not decrepit."

But he has less energy, which you knew before you had children. You call him a 'boring bastard' as if you're surprised a man in his 50s wants to stay home in his slippers.

Sorry OP but your title for your post made me laugh! I am sorry to hear your DH doesn't do much .Would he pay for a nanny to help you and maybe a cleaner as well.

Na don’t agree the age is the issue - my husband is 50 and we have a 2 & 5 year old / he’s always out with them doing cool things / had them both off road biking today for example (even the 2 year old on his balance bike)

he packs up the car most weekends with the bikes and off they or we go somewhere

he’s fitter and healthier than he’s ever been and thinks the kids keep him young 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

we still di music festivals and raves / club nights regularly

take the kids to festivals too

your husband just sounds boring op and I’d be pissed off too

I’m divorced from DH who was exactly my same age and he was boring and didn’t want to anything with our dc. Every vacation evey swim lesson every movie every holiday he was disengaged. I did everything myself and enjoyed it. Make a life for yourself with dc. Do all the things you want to do and if wants to sit at home watching Telly let him.

im very very close with my now young successful adult dc and he’s not.

Its happened , he might find it easier once she is older. He might be an older dad but what a pile on , there are a load of shit dads out there who are alot younger.
If you have a good relationship it will work out, perhaps he is lacking in confidence too.

I know it isn’t what you want to hear now but its a LTB. Seriously. There is no point to this man at all, he will drain your life away.

Rip off the band aid and do it while the kid is young enough not to be impacted. Even poverty is better than this.

I'm 46 and I wouldn't live with a 3 year old at this point if you paid me. He's clearly not happy to be a father, is he?

Hard to say. It’s not like he loathes her or can’t stand to be around her. He just doesn’t engage or want to do a lot. When I look back, he’s always been a bit like this even before we had her. We’d have the odd night away once in a blue moon but it was always planned by me.

The people saying how exhausting it must be to ‘run around after a toddler’ are missing the point that he doesn’t do much running. He works full time - which is exhausting in itself but he isn’t at home with her much. I also work part time but spend more time with her. All I want is a bit of engagement at the weekend.

I wouldn't say that your DH is a boring bastard, I think that's unfair.
He's a lazy, boring, bastard!

you guys will be fine, 3 is a season just like the rest, she will get older and easier. Hang in there. Focus on being a good mum and focus on his good bits. Thats what I do.

Unlike you, I didn’t miss any point. I very clearly said that she might find there’s an improvement as her DD gets older. Perhaps if you weren’t so intent on taking offence on someone else’s behalf, you might have noticed.

And you set the bar as low as you like in your own relationships but ‘Yes it sucks, but as long as he’s not abusive’ is lower than most of us would be willing to tolerate.

I find it's only on MN that men in their 50s have the energy of 30 year olds.
In real life, most 50 + men I know don't want to be around toddlers. I am 54 and very active, but I also do not want to be around them!

That said, now she's here, he should make more of an effort.

I dont know. I've just spent 3 days with my DC and thier three year old. I wasn't alone and he's knackered me out. I guess I have an excuse (long term sick) but at 53 I was done.

you do know that child free holidays are available for all age groups not just over 50s?

have you honestly met someone over 50 who went on an old ppl holiday?

im married to an ‚old man‘ as pp pointed out and none of the ‚old‘ ppl I know would be seen dead on these whether or not they like children.

You're both old to be parents and this thread shows there are issues and it isn't plain sailing when you're parents in you 40s and 50s 🤷‍♀️

A friend of mine is 52 with a nearly 4 year old, and he is a very much engaged Dad, to a very wanted first child. Your husband's attitude isn't due to his age!! I suspect that your husband has realised how hard parenting can be and being a Dad isn't the fairy story he'd envisioned. It's likely even if he'd been a Dad at 30, his attitude would still be exactly the same! He likely finds this stage of parenting as dull as ditch water, and realises that babies/toddlers/pre-schoolers need a lot of attention, which means he can't do what he likes when. Being older he's had years of doing what he likes, when and only having to think of himself. Becoming a parent changes that.

You may find OP, that once your daughter gets older, he may find it easier/more interesting and be willing to do things. Unfortunately, there's always a possibility that won't happen, and he's always going to be a shit Dad.

Be the best Mum you can for your children. If that means you have to take the children out alone etc, then that's what you need to do. You can't make him step up and be a decent Dad.

I’m 40. I had dd when I was 37. That’s hardly old.

OP you have to appreciate that he is older and he works FT - you are younger and only work PT.

I think if you worked FT perhaps you would be a bit more understanding.

I am younger than you but when I had a 3yo and working FT I was absolutely exhausted.
I couldn’t imagine planning to have a 3yo at 40 with a 50yo.

That being said, he chose to have a baby just as much as you did and he needs to find some energy from somewhere.

Considering you are younger and have another 20+ years of working - have you considered him going PT and you doing FT?

I do know someone in a similar situation and unfortunately the older dad was quite resentful to his younger wife, claiming he had tricked him into having a child that he didn’t want.
He actually went as far as saying she assaulted him in his sleep.
He was fine when she was pregnant and the baby was born but then he started getting more and more resentful over it.

This really, I’m in my early 50s although my children are grown up and I’m fucking knackered most of the time

My husband is 52 and we have a 4, 2 and I’m pregnant. He possibility my does a bit less than me when he has both - by that I mean he’ll take them to the park instead of the local farm. But he’ll absolutely has both of them regularly on his own and in lots of ways has
more patience than me. His age isn’t the excuse lots of people seem to think it is.

When I look back, he’s always been a bit like this even before we had her.

And there it is.

This is his personality, this is what he's like. You chose to marry him and have a kid with him.

I'll never understand how so many women seem to go through the dating, marriage and procreation processes and only then notice the personality of the man they've been doing it with, when he wasn't even hiding it.