Husband is a boring bastard

[bosslady24]

Sorry but it’s true. He works full time and helps around the house but has no interest in family life, days out etc. We had a holiday this year that he was miserable for. Didn’t really want to leave the resort as it would be ‘too much hard work’ with our youngest. If ever he can get out of opting out of something he will. When he has our youngest on his own there are a select few activities he might do like the park or NT but would never dream of taking her to the cinema or swimming because it’s too difficult. Whenever I suggest getting in the car and going somewhere he will huff and claim he has too much to be doing at home or that he’s ill/tired/skint. I don’t want to be busy every weekend but feel as parents we have an obligation to do stuff with our kids when we can and give them a good childhood. He is just lazy and disinterested.

There is an age gap between us - he’s in his early 50s now with a 3 year old and I understand it’s difficult. In hindsight he probably didn’t fully appreciate what having a child later in life means. But she’s here now and I’m finding his lack of enthusiasm for anything quite a turn off. I have resolved to start doing things alone with dc (I have an older child from previous marriage) but I find it sad that I’m with someone who doesn’t share my values around this stuff.

Leaving isn’t an option for me at the moment but I just need to vent. If I bring this up with him he will list a load of excuses and/or sulk so it’s not worth it. It’s bank holiday coming up and I said I might take the dc away for a night and he is practically gleeful about the prospect of being left alone. I don’t get that opportunity because he’d never offer to take them anywhere himself.

Thank you, I thought I was losing my mind reading some of these pandering replies. He's 50 not dying. I bet he finds the energy to do the things he wants.

I think this marriage has run its course. Neither of you are enjoying it.

TOTALLY agree! @bosslady24 some posters are clearly taking the opportunity to twist the knife because they take issue with age gap relationships. Some of the most engaged amazing people I know in my life are in their 50s, 60s, 70s and even 80s!

My own mother is late 60s and truly exhausts me with her zest for life and need to be on the go constantly (something I haven’t inherited btw!).

I think your DH would have been exactly like this if he’d been a dad in his 30s or 40s. Laziness and being disengaged and unenthusiastic is a personality trait not an unavoidable symptom of aging!

All that being said, I really feel your pain and it sounds tough. Are you connected as a couple in other ways? Did you used to date and do fun things in the beginning? Just wondering if this touches all aspects of his life or if it’s specifically managing a young child that he is avoids.

If he is introverted he could just be a bit burnt out, toddlers are full on (obviously you know that).

Do you think that setting aside time for each of you to have proper “alone time” each month and then looking at a mix of active family days and homebody family days that is a compromise could work?

Maybe you’ve fallen into the habit of being the “pusher” of activity (because you fear he would spend every day at home otherwise) and then he feels he has to constantly “resist” (because he fears that if you had your way you would be doing activities every single day). But if you sat down and talked through a rough plan of compromise, everyone could relax and drop the roles a bit? It might be more effective if he can mentally prepare for the outings and look forward to the downtime (as an introvert I need to prepare for activities and don’t like them being sprung on me).

You could suggest a mixed schedule:

• Week 1: Saturday family outing; Sunday family home & chill day
• Week 2: Saturday Mum & kid day out, DH alone time; Sunday chill at home as family
• Week 3: Saturday DH and kid day out, mum alone time; Sunday chill at home
• Week 4: Saturday chill at home; Sunday family day out/have guests over.

Yeah, this

It’s not about age. The OPs DH is a rubbish Dad who can’t be arsed.

DH and I had our 2nd child when he was 48 and I was 42. DS is a teenager now and DH is early 60s: they’ve done football skills practice together (4 times in 2 days), been out for dinner, been to watch a football match and made a model of a famous rock star this weekend.

My Dad was 50 when I was born and was the most involved, active father I could have asked for. He took me loads of places on his own, was always taking me swimming, we did active holidays etc. It’s not an age thing, it’s his personality.

It's not about being ready for the care home. Nobody said that. DH and I- both in our fifties- have spent the weekend hiking,swimming, going to the theatre and meeting friends, not on the couch. Probably walked over 20 km.

But neither of us would want to look after a toddler. It requires patience that we don't have any more.
Of course, OP's DH unwisely agreed to have one, so he needs to man up and find the patience.

Maybe the problem isn't so much him being a boring bastard but otherwise that family life is inherently boring.

God knows enough parents complain about it here - most of them can't wait to get rid of their kids back to school.

It's not that exciting to spend time with young children especially not when you're in your fifties. Thanks. Will probably change when she becomes an older child.But quite frankly, young children are extremely boring.

@friedaklein · Today 21:28

I find it's only on MN that men in their 50s have the energy of 30 year olds.
In real life, most 50 + men I know don't want to be around toddlers.

Pretty much this. ^ Maybe for short spells, like seeing grandchildren for a few hours a week ... But not having their own toddlers, in their 50s. I don't know a single man who would want this, and I never have.

.

If you want to compromise with your DH you’ll just have to appreciate that his time with your child will be different than yours. When I have 1-2-1 days out with my DS they tend to be the more exciting type things and my DH tends be more National trust and English heritage type days. Just different - not any better or worse just different - for us that’s just the way it works out with managing work and school holidays. We do have some lovely days together but not sadly many. Your DH may come into his own as your child grows. If not you have to decide what you can live with.

One of my friends had three babies across four years when her husband was 49. He's 55 now and an active parent who proactively plans things to do with his children.
He also found time to run the London marathon last year
55 is middle aged, not old aged.

While not all 55 year olds are running marathons, a lot of 55 year olds find sufficient energy to be prime minister or CEO of a FTSE 100 company or be a brain surgeon or a leading professor or a high court judge.

So it feels not unreasonable to think a 50 year old could manage to pack a bag of nappies and snacks and take a three year old to a farm for a half day outing.

He clearly is intellectually and physically capable of doing his job which is probably harder than grabbing some nappies, slicing some fruit and chucking a rain coat in a bag to take a child out.

Well he does take the child out

I'm in my 60s.and have more energy than your waste of space DH, sorry to say. It's f all to do with his age, he's just lazy and selfish. Personally I'd just up and leave the house occasionally, sans DD, maybe spending some quality time with your older one or just taking some me time. Make him step up and look after his DD for once.

My ex DH was like this and our children were born when he was 28 and 30.

attitude is important too!

I think this is a DH / some men just are like this problem.

My father was 55 when I came along - first and only. I think he was a bit nervous to be left with the baby initially but it never really stopped him. I probably had more days out shopping with just mum - especially as teen - but we also did lots of things as a family of three, and I have memories of DF taking me swimming, making art, reading stories, playing games in the garden or at the kitchen table and driving me to all sorts of activities. He was working and did lots of jobs around the house and looked after a big garden mostly by himself, too. He was also born before ww2 so not technically a modern man. It was simply who he was. His only concession to age was acknowledging his relief at having a Dd as he knew keeping up with a son with any inclination to sport might be beyond him.

If your husband doesn't even try to bond with your children it will be harder as they age, OP. I am so glad to have all my memories of time with him now. Even just being in the car. It will be sad for your DC if they miss out.

Your updates show that it’s probably more personality than age. If he was always a bit lack lustre it was very unlikely to get better with age as motivation to do things like socialising, being adventurous, trying new thing is more likely to reduce as we get older.

I do think age will play a part though in general energy levels. My Dh is 50 (I’m 43). We’ve a mid teen so no running around (apart from lots of driving around!) but I’ve noticed his energy/ strength have reduced over the past year. Today he spent a few hours working in the garden (albeit cutting trees/ hedges so not potting plants) but he came in and was shattered! A few years ago he’d have spent all day out there and wouldn’t have taken a fizz out of him.

he certainly doesn’t have the same energy he did have when dc was a toddler and I wouldn’t expect him too. I think you need to respect that he doesn’t want to do certain stuff but I’d prioritise the stuff that’s important. That doesn’t mean he shouldn’t share all parenting, just means if he’d rather stay at home and do it rather than going to the beach for the day then that’s ok.

What’s the age gap between your children

Bloody hell, these comments 🙄 Yes he’s probably knackered, yes he’s an older dad but so what? He’s a dad (like OP is a mom) and you just have to get on with it for the sake of your kids. I was almost 40 when I had my first, I couldn’t opt out or have anyone cover for me like people are suggesting OP do for him. Parenting at any age is irreversible and exhausting, suck it up buttercup!

Tough situation for you OP. Don’t get the blaming. None of us can see the future.

In my early 50s now and the difference in my energy levels vs early 40s is insane.

No way I could parent a young child. After work I’m utterly exhausted. Might not be in my 80s but it’s definitely not like I was a decade ago.

Hoping once she’s older things will improve but could be when he says he’s tired he really is.

Appreciate you will be too, but do admire your resolve to give your DD some great times in spite of that and the rubbish situation.

Let’s put the age aside, someone working part time will certainly have more time on their hands and be more relaxed at the weekend than someone working full time so age aside, you’re bound to have more energy and bound to get bored more than him. He may also be lazy but unless you both work full time, you won’t appreciate that the only downtime he has is the weekends and he does not want to have go out every time. When will he rest too or do other house chores.

My DH is 56 and our eldest is nearly 16, but our youngest daughter is 6, and wasn't planned. Our son is the middle child aged 8, so understandably my poor DH is not the most energetic dad coming up to the wrong side of 55 🤣

To be fair, getting older and having young children is not a picnic, and I'm pretty knackered these days too in the depth of perimenopause, but we genuinely try to give our children the best childhood we can, as I'd always feel sad if we didn't. Fewer days out, yes, but we have little UK breaks at places like Haven, days in Norwich, and my parents who are quite elderly are brilliant and support us loads too. We're not well off parents but as PP have said, we do our best in spite of not always feeling like we're full of beans.

Your DH might just be a bit of a passive, unenergetic person generally, but he does need to try to engage a bit with your DD.

I know two men who’ve had heart attacks in early 50s in last 2 months. One died. One recovering. Apparently healthy. It’s not as easy as just get on with it if his fatigue is medical, or really marked due to age. If it’s just lazy b-itis then that’s a different story but reality is most folk in their 50s have less energy than they had in their 30s or 40s. Doesn’t make the situation any less unfair on OP or her DD.

My husband is 51 and is the most committed and devoted dad of our 4 year old. Perhaps he doesn't have as much energy as men in their 30s but he gives it a bloody good go!

I think some people have more energy than others, Dh is 50 we have an under ten, he’s up when Dc are, fully engaged, plans holidays etc, happy to do stuff with Dc by himself. I think it’s more to do with your life changing quite dramatically after decades of just looking after yourself. I definitely struggled with a 3 yr old in my early 40’s. It’s knackering, you may find he adjusts but he does need to get stuck in regardless of how he feels.

Im a mum and had my 2nd daughter at 46 . I’m now 58 and yes I’m tired but we still do stuff and I enjoy spending time with her . Have children and you won’t have your own time . He should realise that .

Yeah this, you don’t really get an option.