To leave early after my dad told off my son?

[Sparklesbigtoe]

Will try & keep this brief cos I didn’t get many replies on my longer one and I’d really like to know if I’m overreacting or not. 5 yo DS & I are staying with my dad for a few days. Yesterday while we’re eating dinner he raised his voice (not quite shouted) at him & told him he has no manners and he doesn’t want to eat dinner with him again and that he needs to go straight to bed. DS wouldn’t sit still, kept getting up and burping at the table. All bad behaviour I know and I was dealing with it but my dad butts in. He goes on at him so much DS starts crying. He then suggests I’m not bringing him up properly and not teaching him any manners, says DS is rude for ignoring him earlier that day when he asked him a question (I wasn’t there but he wouldn’t have ignored him, he may have not understood or frozen out of shyness, which happens sometimes). I took DS to bed and went to bed with him and haven’t seen my dad since. I feel extremely unwelcome here now and just want to go home. Problem is we’re in rural Wales and the only way we can leave is to have my dad drive us to the train station. We’re due to stay till Sunday. What would you do? If I end up staying, what do I say to him today? He’ll never apologise to me or ds or admit he was in the wrong.

Your dad is right , your son needs to learn table manners and you should have been seen to address it .

U need to discipline your son !
Bad behaviour at the table won't get any better unless he knows there will be consequences ! Your dad was showing him it was unacceptable!
And at age 5 if U want to have a simple tantrum free life it's best to discipline now while u still can because age 15 it won't b any easier ! Sorry to b blunt but it's basic parenting it's hard but worth it in the end

Why is your dad having to correct your son? It does sound like he has very bad manners and you should be on top of this. It doesn’t sound like you are.

Your DS was behaving badly
it’s fine for a grandparent to intervene

I agree with all the other post.

Also why did you then hide in your bedroom too. You are an adult. Go and have an adult conversation.

How long have you been there? I get the feeling there is more to this from your dad's perspective and he's just had enough of a bad manner/rude child.

How are you dealing with the behaviour?

Have various behaviours irritated your father for hours/days and he's had enough, fed up and told him off? Or is your dad just struggling with others in his home?

Its ok to be annoyed with your dad. But are you parentingffectively? Sympathy as I always find it more stressful staying at someone else's home.

If transport is really difficult, then its nearly Saturday. Just go out today and keep some distance so all can cool down

Team Dad.

If KEPT getting up and burpring you obviously weren’t dealing with it effectively because he would have stopped and not done it again. It also is really bad behaviour. The burping is disgusting and a 5YO should manage to sit through a normal meal at GPs house. I also really don’t see the issue in a GP intervening. And it sounds like your dad got through to him in a way you weren’t able to. I think you and DS should apologise to your Dad: DS for his behaviour and you for stropping off.

He is only 5 but I would expect better manners at this age. My 3 year old knows to ask to get down and not to burp at the table. I imagine this isnt just a one-off incident, I bet your dad would tell us about lots of incidents of your sons behaviour that he felt wasn't good but you didn't address. He shouldn't have reacted so strongly but I imagine he is just fed up and frustrated.

I'd tell your dad to butt out. Any way you can get a taxi to the station? I wouldn't stay to have my 5 year old spoken too like that.

Freezing out of shyness when being asked a question - totally normal at this age.
Getting up and burping repeatedly at the dinner table - outrageous. Does he do stuff like that at home? Or is it that he's not used to sitting at the dining table for dinner?

I agree with your father about the behaviour but the actual chastising should be towards you, you need to be dealing with this with your son. You are doing him absolutely no favours tolerating behaviour like that. How would you have intervened if you Dad hadn’t? Why is that not working to the extent that your son is doing these behaviours still.

MN will blame you, OP. Prepare for a pile on by the perfect parents of MN.

The shyness is normal but his table behaviour is rude and clearly you aren't effectively dealing with it.

Go home! Yes, advice about table manners is ok, saying some of those things and to the extent he cried is too much. Was he like this with you growing up?

I know the behaviour was not ok obviously. It’s out of character for him and I was in the middle of dealing with it by taking away his pudding & film after. I also took him away from the table and he came back and apologised. He was about to start behaving properly when my dad butts in. If it had ended there then it would’ve been fine. It’s more because it escalated to him basically calling me a rubbish mother, my son is rude cos he “ignored him”. As I said he wouldn’t have done that. He sometimes freezes if he gets shy. Also my dad asks him abstract, frankly boring questions like “how’s school”. He’s an introverted kid and he takes a long time to warm up. I suggested to my dad that he needs to engage with him more on his level, like drawing a picture together or playing a game with him but he just responded “I shouldn’t have to”. Maybe I am overreacting about leaving early as some of these posts show. My dad has always been very controlling and emotionally abusive towards me as a child so all this is very triggering. We have an ok relationship now but it’s fragile

Its your dads house and your DS's behaviour at the table was awful.

He did the right thing telling him off. The fact he cried indicates he isn't used to discipline so perhaps you need to step yo a bit more?

Your dad sounds like a bully. Go home if you can.

Your dad is doing the parenting for you.
Hopefully now your son has had a telling off he won’t be burping at the table next time.
This passive parenting dressed up as gentle parenting simply doesn’t work!

It is not a big traumatising event if a child cries when being told off. Children cry quite easily, out of embarrassment, remorse, etc, and it's our job to tell them clearly when they're misbehaving.

You tell them off, they have a quick cry, and then maybe you give them a hug and let them try to behave again.

Instead op undermined the telling-off.

If we tiptoe round our children and never tell them off for fear of them crying, they end up behaving like this boy and people don't want to dine with them.

Edit - i cross posted with the update saying the boy had started behaving properly. In that case yes, the telling-off should be over.

That changes things for me I’d leave.

We have a controlling domineering family member. We meet irregularly and always on neutral territory so it is easy to leave.

No one needs to put up with that type of behaviour.

Well your son is bloody rude! That’s really disgusting behaviour, which you clearly are not dealing with! If he’d done that even once at my dinner table, I’d have expected you to ‘deal with it’ and for it not to be repeated. However, the fact that he is ‘repeatedly’ jumping up and burping, shows how ineffective your behaviour management is! Get a grip and sort your son out!

Clearly you werent dealing with it. You should have put a stop to it before your Dad had to step in. Suggest your son apologises to his grandfather, at 5 he should understand that, and you too as you should have backed up your Dad.

I absolutely hate bad table manners. Apologise to your Dad and tell him you’ll work on it with your son.

If your child's behaviour at the table is that appalling and he cannot even hold a basic conversation with a family member, then your father is probably right on track questioning your parenting.