To leave early after my dad told off my son?

[Sparklesbigtoe]

Will try & keep this brief cos I didn’t get many replies on my longer one and I’d really like to know if I’m overreacting or not. 5 yo DS & I are staying with my dad for a few days. Yesterday while we’re eating dinner he raised his voice (not quite shouted) at him & told him he has no manners and he doesn’t want to eat dinner with him again and that he needs to go straight to bed. DS wouldn’t sit still, kept getting up and burping at the table. All bad behaviour I know and I was dealing with it but my dad butts in. He goes on at him so much DS starts crying. He then suggests I’m not bringing him up properly and not teaching him any manners, says DS is rude for ignoring him earlier that day when he asked him a question (I wasn’t there but he wouldn’t have ignored him, he may have not understood or frozen out of shyness, which happens sometimes). I took DS to bed and went to bed with him and haven’t seen my dad since. I feel extremely unwelcome here now and just want to go home. Problem is we’re in rural Wales and the only way we can leave is to have my dad drive us to the train station. We’re due to stay till Sunday. What would you do? If I end up staying, what do I say to him today? He’ll never apologise to me or ds or admit he was in the wrong.

Bit of a drip feed then
That completely changes this post then if your dad is abusive and controlling leave then !

Book a taxi and leave it’s not worth it if you feel upset/affraid

Yes, your Dad is right.
A lot of what you describe is quite frankly poor parenting. Your poor child deserves better from you and your Dad sounds like he’s had enough of the pair of you.
Why should he apologise to you and your son?
You should apologise to him.
I wouldn’t be surprised if he offered to drop you off at the train station!

Two things can be true at once. Your son's behaviour was unacceptable and that needs resolving. 5 year olds should be taught to behave properly whilst eating.

Your father behaved badly and shouldn't have got involved with disciplining your son. I can understand why he commented, but to then say he must go to bed etc wasnt necessary if you were already dealing with it as you say.

‘How’s school’ is boring and abstract and you don’t think your son should have to answer? 🙄

I didn’t “strop off”. My son was in floods of tears and I needed to put him to bed. I was in tears too as I was putting him to bed, so I hardly felt like going back out there and chatting. It’s fucking hurtful to be called a shit mother by your own parent. I’m a single parent and have been since DS was 2. I do it all myself and I try incredibly hard to bring him up as a kind and respectful child. Of course I wouldn’t tolerate that behaviour normally. Usually I give consequences and it works, if you have or have recently had a 5 yo though you’ll know that sometimes they misbehave and it doesn’t necessarily mean you’re a shit parent

You say you were dealing with yous son's behaviour but that's clearly ineffective because he was actually still doing it. So your dad had to step on and rightly so. Your son is not used to hearing no which is why he got upset. I don't think you should be adding to the drama.

These responses are over the top and weird. MN likes to be overly critical of behavioural issues, but it's not real. People just like to be awful sometimes.

Anyway, clearly you don't have a good relationship with your dad and don't seem to see him often. Whatever else happened a child burping at the table is not the end of the world or as outlandishly awful as posters are making out. Your dad seems to have reacted in a way that's made you and your son upset, and presumably he was the same when you were a child?

I'd leave personally

Even by a grandparent?

Just try and build bridges op

dad has always been very controlling and emotionally abusive towards me as a child so all this is very triggering. We have an ok relationship now but it’s fragile

Why on earth are you willingly exposing your child to this?

What stands out is that your reaction to your father telling off your son is for you to hide from him.

There's got to be a hefty backstory here. Perhaps he's got form as being controlling in your childhood, you're unable to handle criticism or conflict, neither of you have healthy communication skills, or some combination of those.

The adult reaction (after sorting your son out( would have been to go back downstairs, make a cuppa and talk to your dad about boundaries, what's bothering him and how you both negotiate that.

I've had to do it with both my parents and my in-laws when the children were young. It leads to healthier relationships. Running away and hiding doesn't.

Be the adult op not a child running away

If you know your dad is emotionally abusive, you shouldn’t have gone for an extended visit I’m afraid.

your son’s behaviour at the table was gross.

The good thing about adulthood is that we can hold our heads high and make the decision to walk away. It's not running like a child, it's making an adult choice to do what suits us best and just... Leave

That was an example of a bigger picture - I don’t know what the question was but of course he wouldn’t have ignored him! He likely didn’t understand the question or froze out of shyness. The how’s school example was part of the bigger picture - I see many grandparents of young children make very little effort to engage with them, find out what their interests are, play games with them..then complain the grandkid doesn’t give them enough attention. You get what you put in.

It’s a lot more complicated than that. Obviously 🙄

Yep. Like he wanted a reaction. Disgusting

In what way?

I’m always grateful for my dad telling off. My kids get more upset (and compliant!) when Grandad tells them off than when I do it!

likewise, I was told off three times by my grandad as a child and I remember every one!

Asking children how school is going is a fairly normal question from an adult to a child, and shows an interest. I hardly think it's 'boring or abstract'.

Burping at the table is absolutely disgusting, Sorry but it is.

What other plans do you have while you are there

Of course asking how school is is a normal question

It takes a village to raise a child. Do you have much support around you? Does your son have any / many positive male role models in his life?

His behaviour was incredibly rude and it sounds as if your efforts at stopping it were ineffective. I don’t blame your Dad for intervening - repeated burping at the table is revolting and would have put me off my meal.

In the current situation, if you want to maintain some sort of relationship with your Dad I’d keep busy today and tomorrow with your son and leave as planned on Sunday. But you need to set down clear expectations of what behaviour you expect from your son, particularly at mealtimes. Set some firm and appropriate boundaries and follow them through consistently. Not just at your Dad’s, all of the time.