To leave early after my dad told off my son?

[Sparklesbigtoe]

Will try & keep this brief cos I didn’t get many replies on my longer one and I’d really like to know if I’m overreacting or not. 5 yo DS & I are staying with my dad for a few days. Yesterday while we’re eating dinner he raised his voice (not quite shouted) at him & told him he has no manners and he doesn’t want to eat dinner with him again and that he needs to go straight to bed. DS wouldn’t sit still, kept getting up and burping at the table. All bad behaviour I know and I was dealing with it but my dad butts in. He goes on at him so much DS starts crying. He then suggests I’m not bringing him up properly and not teaching him any manners, says DS is rude for ignoring him earlier that day when he asked him a question (I wasn’t there but he wouldn’t have ignored him, he may have not understood or frozen out of shyness, which happens sometimes). I took DS to bed and went to bed with him and haven’t seen my dad since. I feel extremely unwelcome here now and just want to go home. Problem is we’re in rural Wales and the only way we can leave is to have my dad drive us to the train station. We’re due to stay till Sunday. What would you do? If I end up staying, what do I say to him today? He’ll never apologise to me or ds or admit he was in the wrong.

Your ds is anxious, just have a calm atmosphere with the grand dad

DS wouldn’t sit still, kept getting up and burping at the table

Yeah, your dad kind of has a point. A huge one. My parents would have absolutely bollocked me if I'd done this at that age. It's disgusting to keep burping while others are eating at the table.

Dad is right. You haven't taught your son any manners.

You wasn't "dealing with it" it seems and your dad got fed up. I have 4 sons and I would absolutely not stand for that behaviour at all. What disgusting table manners.
Your dad doesn't need to apologise but I get the feeling you're one of those boy mums who see no wrong in their behaviour and everyone else is wrong.

It's ok for your dad to do this - I would with my grandchild! We would have a set to, I'd wash up (loudly, to make a point 😂) get an ice cream for my grand child and ask my daughter if she wanted a cuppa. That it!! This is normal. People are allowed to fall out for a bit - why would you want to leave? You can't leave over every perceived or real slight against you

You say that you were dealing with it but obviously weren't successful. I think that your Dad was correct to tell him off. You should try it!

But why should he apologise or admit he was wrong? The child was burping at the dinner table and fidgeting about instead of displaying basic manners, eating his meal and behaving like a human being.
Perhaps your dad was overly sharp with the boy but ‘his house, his rules’!
Have a conversation with dad and your child, no one needs to be upset - just accept that this can be put behind you. Instil good manners in the boy and carry on with your holiday.

You keep reiterating that he’s a shy and introverted kid but then in the company of someone he gets up, messes about and repeatedly burps at the dinner table? My mum would have told my son off too and she’d have been right to do so.

Now if your dad has always been controlling and abusive that’s a different matter entirely and I wouldn’t have been stopping there anyway.

A child repeatedly burping at the dinner table is really triggering Op. Please don't be precious about your child.

And older men sometimes don't have the same skills to interact with 5 year olds. My grandad was stiff. Asking how school was is fine.

You son was repeatedly burping at the dinner table????

That is really awful behaviour and very disrespectful to everyone else who is trying to eat. How were you 'dealing with it'?

Then he was in floods of tears after being told off, as were you?? Sounds all a bit dramatic tbh.

Tedious drip feed.

Yes, I hate to admit it but I’m still a bit scared of my dad. Anyone else I’d have gone back down and sorted it out but he is incredibly difficult. Firstly he cannot talk about anything reasonably, everything is always my fault, he’s never in the wrong, and he has an explosive temper. He was aggressive and manipulative, borderline emotionally abusive to me as a child but he’s also always been physically there for me, always made sure I knew he loved me, and always helped me out with various things. We do have an ok, if surface level, relationship as an adult and he’s usually very good to my DS. He’s my parent, and he has many good qualities, and he’s improved massively since I was a chid, before people start saying I shouldn’t have gone there, the whole situation is my fault cos I shouldn’t have gone in the first place blah blah. It’s way more complex than that and I just want advice on how to approach it today, not dissect the reasons why I’m here

'He was just about to start behaving before my dad told him off' .....😆😆😆

Your dad went well over the top, which is his fault, but you’re also parenting rather weakly. You should have told your son to behave before anyone else did.

Was he in floods of tears because no-one has ever properly pulled him up?

You were in the middle of dealing with it sounds like you were doing that pleading, overexplaining god-knows-what that I see so many children ignoring; whilst carrying on with poor behaviour.

Take him home early, as your father has probably had enough too.

By a bullying controlling man. Yes.

What does taking him home early achieve, a lot of upset, including upset for DS and he will feel guilty and continue to push the boundaries

Was he in floods of tears because someone actually telling him off for bad behaviour hasn't happened before?

So perspective. I have great parents and have lovely relationship but I live a long way from them.
All my dc have sen but higher functioning. My dad has lost his mind about twice when I went for visits with the kids when they were younger. I was upset and.kids got upset.
We took a day apart and calm then talked it through and agreed some rules.

What im teying to say is even the best grandparents become short tempered and rude.

Take some time. have a chat with dad if u can about moving on. Appreciate this may not may possible due to past issues

So perspective. I have great parents and have lovely relationship but I live a long way from them.
All my dc have sen but higher functioning. My dad has lost his mind about twice when I went for visits with the kids when they were younger. I was upset and.kids got upset.
We took a day apart and calm then talked it through and agreed some rules.

What im teying to say is even the best grandparents become short tempered and rude.

Take some time. have a chat with dad if u can about moving on. Appreciate this may not may possible due to past issues

Teaching your kids basic manners does not make you a perfect parent. It makes you a decent parent doing their job and raising their kid properly and to be a decent and respectful around others.
If OP was sorting her kid out so well why did gf have to intervene?

I see both sides, but honestly if you are still scared of your dad why would you stay for so long? Or even go?!

Any 5 year old knows that behaviour isn't acceptable unless they constantly get away with it, it's called parenting for a reason... We aren't there to be friends and make everything all rainbows and butterflies, you should've dealt with it, you say you were but clearly if he kept doing it, you weren't.

Your father probably felt like something needed to be said... He gave you enough time and then dealt with it himself.

What do you mean here @Sparklesbigtoe ? Actually usually choices are pretty simple but the reasons we avoid making healthier choices is what is complicated. If your father is domineering controlling and emotionally abusive towards children he is not going to be a positive role model in your child’s life.

There are all sorts of standard beliefs about how family “should” be as you will see being put up on posts like yours, but discernment is necessary when applying those beliefs.

So “family should stick together” great positive ideal but just not true if there is abuse.

Would you, aye? I wouldn't tolerate a child jumping up and down and repeatedly burping at the table in my house, and I don't see why anyone else should, either.

Give Dad a big smile and thank him for helping you out and reminding you that DS is old enough to learn better table manners.
Suggest to DS that today we are going to sit still and eat nicely at Poppy's table.

Arrange a less formal meal for lunch. A picnic in the fields. Allow DS to burn off energy with lots of outdoor play. Teach DS to understand sitting down, eating together, please and thank you etc. by modelling it yourself.

Your dad overstepped. His response to your son’s behaviour was disproportionate. He won’t accept that though, because people like that never do.

I would go down this morning and speak to him away from your son. I’d apologise for your son’s behaviour but explain that you aren’t comfortable staying. If he won’t take you to the train station is there a taxi service that will come out to you?

There’s no way on this planet that I’d stay with someone who makes me feel afraid to use my voice and reduces my son to tears over restlessness and a burp.