To leave early after my dad told off my son?

[Sparklesbigtoe]

Will try & keep this brief cos I didn’t get many replies on my longer one and I’d really like to know if I’m overreacting or not. 5 yo DS & I are staying with my dad for a few days. Yesterday while we’re eating dinner he raised his voice (not quite shouted) at him & told him he has no manners and he doesn’t want to eat dinner with him again and that he needs to go straight to bed. DS wouldn’t sit still, kept getting up and burping at the table. All bad behaviour I know and I was dealing with it but my dad butts in. He goes on at him so much DS starts crying. He then suggests I’m not bringing him up properly and not teaching him any manners, says DS is rude for ignoring him earlier that day when he asked him a question (I wasn’t there but he wouldn’t have ignored him, he may have not understood or frozen out of shyness, which happens sometimes). I took DS to bed and went to bed with him and haven’t seen my dad since. I feel extremely unwelcome here now and just want to go home. Problem is we’re in rural Wales and the only way we can leave is to have my dad drive us to the train station. We’re due to stay till Sunday. What would you do? If I end up staying, what do I say to him today? He’ll never apologise to me or ds or admit he was in the wrong.

Two things hers. 1) unresolved issues with your father, 2) really poor behaviour from a 5yr old. Both need addressing.

Arsehole dads behaviour over the years has made you more protective of how he speaks to your your son and you’re not trusting that how you feels right I would guess.

i would go home and enjoy the rest of a nice summer with your son without feeling on eggshells.

The child is 5. Yes he was being a pain but that's 5 year olds for you.

Unless you have perfect mumsnet 5 year olds.

I'm not sure why you took your child to visit your dad if this is how he treats him. He doesn't have a kind and loving relationship with him and it can't be a nice experience for either of you.
I think I'd probably tell your dad that you think it's best if you go home early because he obviously doesn't enjoy being with you or his grandson. Then get a taxi you don't need to ask him for a lift.
And don't arrange a long holiday with him and your son again.

You son is at the age where he'll be places without you (like school) and have his own relationships with other people, and people will tell him off sometimes. Kids soon learn the differences between adults - what one parent / grandparent will allow and another won't, which teachers can control a class and which will let them mess about etc. Best to just accept that and let him get used to it and accept that there's different rules in different environments, without fussing or crying.

Maybe it's time to get stricter yourself, though. There's too many mothers who are too soft and raise boys to believe that only men are to be respected and obeyed, while women may be safely ignored. You don't want to raise a sexist man. Instead of teaching him that he has to do as he's told the first time when he's at granddad's house, if granddad says it, why not teach him that he has to do it when YOU say it?

Although having said that, if your father was abusive, maybe it's time to think seriously about whether you're going to benefit from a continued relationship with him - and whether your son will?

If you do want to keep seeing your father, maybe it's time to work on standing up to him a bit better? I mean, what's your son learning there? Man shouts, woman backs down / runs away? Men are in charge? He who shouts loudest gets his way?

You sound like you're scared of your father - that's what needs fixing. You also sound like you're scared of acting authoritatively with your son (maybe because of how your father was, you've gone too far the other way?). The one time your father corrected your son's behaviour at the table (which wasn't acceptable, at five) isn't the real issue.

I think all these replies are very harsh. I'd ask your dad for a lift to the station later and if not, you'll need to call a taxi. You all need a bit of distance and hopefully it will blow over if you send him a thank you card and then call him in a couple of weeks and keep conversation neutral.

I imagine your son was tired or testing boundaries or something. He's five. Bad behaviour happens. You obviously weren't trying to hypnotise him with an i-pad or something which isn't helpful. You were helping him to learn. Grandads can forget what its like and probably weren't very involved the first time around. Have faith in yourself and your son.

Is your Dad's behaviour out of character?

What do you ask a 5 year old about apart from basic things ? School, their favourite toys. t.v show et al?
I never tried anything really highbrow when mine were 5 and they didn't get bored?

As one pp said These responses are over the top and weird. MN likes to be overly critical of behavioural issues, but it's not real. People just like to be awful sometimes.

Op ignore these criticisms and don’t feel you have to explain or defend yourself to these online strangers. Your father sounds rude and disrespectful to you. Undermining your own parenting and upsetting your son.

Staying or leaving depends on the bigger picture. Is this a duty visit? Was your DS enjoying himself otherwise? I’m assuming no DM is in the picture. If you’re not particularly enjoying yourself then leave, why stay? Life’s too short to remain around people that make you and your DS feel bad.

You don’t have to explain much to your DF either. Either go and simply say you’ve decided to head back home today without saying why. If he asks why, say it suits you better. If he won’t drive you to the station, call for a taxi.

If you stay, then tell him firmly that he’s not to interfere when you are dealing with your DS. Though of course it’s hard to stand up to a DF who bullies. If you can’t do that, then leave (to clarify, this is not a criticism if you find it hard to push back, some people just don’t listen). It won’t be nice for you or your DS to be around his GF who doesn’t like him.

All 5 year olds behave badly sometimes.. His behaviour didn't sound that unusual and OP had addressed it. The father just also decided to intervene after she had dealt with it.

I can sympathise OP. My dad was quite strict and scary with me as a child, raising his voice, when he had done it with my kids I’ve found it really upsetting and triggering.

Actually I do think you need to reflect on why you’re exposing yourself and DS to a man you know is abusive (given your additional posts, which many posters won’t have read). However, that’s something to do when you’re home.

Today I would book a taxi to the station and go home.

Kids get tired and find it hard to sit at the table at the best of times, especially with grumpy people. They do silly things to try and lighten the mood and engage with people. He’s 5. You’re doing fine. Your dad should speak to you privately if he has an issue.

YANBU

I’m not saying it’s right, but I can see why your DF snapped.

There are kind ways to speak to children and teach them manners.

Does your DS usually behave like that? Can you usually find a way to handle him and calm him down?

I would speak to your dad without your DS there and if I got the feeling he was going to carry on and cause a bad atmosphere, I would ask him for a lift to the station.

I would also speak to your DS about burping/good manners.

Could you go out just with your DS today to give them both some space?

Your father was right to speak up. Your son's table manners were appalling.

i feel your Dad was harsh. Yes it’s not ideal but he’s 5 and not in his familiar surroundings.

ignore the holier than thou comments from Mrs perfects on here.

I’d leave, my parents would have never treated me or my children like that

Too shy to talk but confident enough to burp and misbehave at the table? Not sure the two positions reconcile.

(totally get he could have just not heard or been engrossed in something else though).

Ok, so you know the behaviour needed correcting, but it wasn't an ideal reaction from your dad. That's grandparents for you. I'm older, my ds is 24, I was also a single mum from when he was 2. My dad wasn't abusive etc but was very very selfish and set in his ways. My mum was a 'smack first ask questions later' person. So, we didn't see them that much and when we did I just got on with life and viewed it as a set amount of time. It improved as ds got older and it then wasn't about them bending their outlook to interact with him. The basic truth for a lot of grandparent age, especially men, they didn't sit on the floor drawing pictures and playing with cars, they told their children to sit down and behave and the children did it.
For you, your visit is nearly over, can you manage for 2 more days or is it time to call it a day and maybe in future make the stay a shorter one or suggest that your dad visits you?

Only on MN would you ask for advice about something and 80% of the replies are people criticising you and not remote answering the question! It’s so pointless and pretty cruel and has made me feel 10 times worse than I already did. Just scroll on if you can’t offer any advice. I don’t need to be told that my child burping at the table is gross! I obviously already know that. I’m a normal person. It’s completely out of character for him. I was explaining that he’d lose his pudding & film and gave him one more chance and if he did it again I said he was going straight to bed. My post was more about what my dad said after to me - that I was a rubbish mum and I’m bringing him up with no manners. It was so hurtful to hear that from my own parent when I’m trying my absolute best as a single parent with little support (he’d never offer to help as he thinks people are “taking advantage” of their parents if they ever ask them to babysit their kids). It’s been really triggering for me cos of my past so I’m really teary and afraid I’ll cry in front of him if I stay. I’d really like to leave but I’d have to tell him and ask him to drive us to the station. Would that be more awkward than just staying till a sun??

OP it might be worth posting on the Stately Homes thread on relationships forum. It's for adults who had abusive parents. You'll find more understanding people over there.

He was testing boundaries and found it. Unless you think that the boundary should move to accommodate the obnoxious little sod, then grandad was correct to tell him off.

I would speak to your Dad. Apologise for ds's behaviour at the table but tell him you were handling it and don't appreciate him stepping in. Tell him that the parenting is to come from you and he is not to confuse ds by taking over in future. If he apologises too -great. If he doesn't and you still want to leave get an Uber.

Noone is perfect least of all mebut I have raised 6 decent, polite well mannered kids. It's nothing special and no more than a good parent should be aiming for😄

School wouldn't have tolerated his behaviour and would have told him off and @Sparklesbigtoe is failing her child if she keeps going to pieces every time someone tells her child off for misbehaving.

Threatening to not let him watch a film wasn't appropriate for a 5 Yr old constantly burping or getting up and down either, he wouldn't care enough, and I have to agree with others he is not introverted he was showing off and deliberately being naughty.

You’re not being unreasonable at all. Your Dad behaved badly, so did your DS but only one of those should possess the maturity and self regulation to correct this themselves.

there are some absolute see you next Tuesdays on here, I hate them.