To leave early after my dad told off my son?

[Sparklesbigtoe]

Will try & keep this brief cos I didn’t get many replies on my longer one and I’d really like to know if I’m overreacting or not. 5 yo DS & I are staying with my dad for a few days. Yesterday while we’re eating dinner he raised his voice (not quite shouted) at him & told him he has no manners and he doesn’t want to eat dinner with him again and that he needs to go straight to bed. DS wouldn’t sit still, kept getting up and burping at the table. All bad behaviour I know and I was dealing with it but my dad butts in. He goes on at him so much DS starts crying. He then suggests I’m not bringing him up properly and not teaching him any manners, says DS is rude for ignoring him earlier that day when he asked him a question (I wasn’t there but he wouldn’t have ignored him, he may have not understood or frozen out of shyness, which happens sometimes). I took DS to bed and went to bed with him and haven’t seen my dad since. I feel extremely unwelcome here now and just want to go home. Problem is we’re in rural Wales and the only way we can leave is to have my dad drive us to the train station. We’re due to stay till Sunday. What would you do? If I end up staying, what do I say to him today? He’ll never apologise to me or ds or admit he was in the wrong.

Why are you calling a 5 year old names? Makes you feel good does it?

Yeah right.

Op you know what you want to do and you are seeking validation . Follow your gut if you don't like the advice offered, it is offered in good faith

OP I don’t think it’s helped you drip feeding to be honest!

Firstly most people won’t go and seek out the many responses after your Original post. So my opinion going on your OP is that your son misbehaved (I’ve got a 6 year old son and know it can be tricky these days BUT he will sit at the dinner table at school and I should hope that he wouldn’t behave like this after a year in reception!).

However, after reading the information in your following posts, I can understand why you feel your dad’s responses were triggering. I understand he lives in the Welsh countryside, but you have enough WiFi to come on MN so I would use that to find a taxi/bus service to take you to the station.

Be honest with your dad, two more days of exposing your son could be traumatising for him.

I was going to say that yes, this is bad behaviour that needs correcting, but then read your update that you were dealing with it when your father decided to put his oar in. 5 year olds are liable to behave badly sometimes, that's just par for the course. YANBU, but it sounds like you are also reacting to the parenting you received and have problems standing up to your father. Perhaps not easy to leave from your location but is there a local taxi you can call if your father won't drive you? Have you asked him?

YANBU to feel uncomfortable. It sounds like your dad doesn’t know how to interact with kids.

MN always blames the mum if it’s a choice between the mum and grandparent.

Any chance you could book a taxi to take you to the station?

This.

I agree with your dad.

When did you arrive?

Your dad was right to tell him off. He kept doing it so you clearly weren't dealing with it effectively. 'About to start behaving?' Seriously? 😂

Your son needs some proper discipline and if you aren't doing it, someone else will.

This! This is the crux of the matter.

Your child’s behaviour sounds like a one off. Maybe he’s picking up on tension in the house and acting out as he is feeling weirded out.

But you know why. This is your Dad’s character. Are you still in FOG to him?

I would be seeking counselling to discuss why you are letting your precious child be exposed to the same abuse that you suffered as a child. Is this relationship actually beneficial at all to your DS and to you?

Wow 5 pages pf comments and nobody has said yet ‘maybe the child has SN’ 🤣🤣🤣

agree with the above, disgusting behaviour and absolutely needed calling out.

I don't know. Repeatedly burping at the dinner table is pretty wild - does he do that at home?

At five years old your dad is right, your son is rude for burping at the table and not sitting still. I would hate having a child acting like this staying in my house too.

My nephew is almost 11 and he eats like an animal. He has no table manners, shovels food in and barely chews, eats with his mouth open, doesn't cut food up and often uses his fingers. I can't bare sitting opposite him at family meals. His mother wasn't brought up like this but doesn't correct him. It feels like we are constantly criticising him when we say close your mouth, use your cutlery, cut your food etc.

He also does the burping thing, it's disgusting but he thinks it's hilarious.

Don't let your child be my nephew.

I posted before your last reply.

My post was more about what my dad said after to me - that I was a rubbish mum and I’m bringing him up with no manners. It was so hurtful to hear that from my own parent when I’m trying my absolute best as a single parent with little support
Firstly , your child didn't have any manners so your dad was correct. The truth can hurt.
Secondly, your dad was supporting you by telling your child off. You can't complain about no support if you won't accept him stepping in on occasion. That is what support can look like but what do you think support is?

However you can talk to your dad about the how to discipline/teach. It shouldn't be about what he was trying to do but the raised voice etc. But be honest with yourself how much of that was your dad's frustration at your lack of effective discipline?

@Sparklesbigtoe if you are still reading this - if it was me, I'd leave (I'd also come off this thread, too many batshit or bored people here).

You don't need anyone's permission, least of all your dad's. You can leave. You don't have to expose your son to what you went through, just because that's his granddad. Not all grandad's are nice. Not all dad's are good. You can leave and then decide how much of a relationship your dad gets to have with your son later

A bad beginning doesn't have to mean a bad ending.

if you go home early you are creating a bad ending with no chance of things improving.

Speak to your son. Tell him yesterday was a bad day all round so today is going to be a fresh start.

Make a plan for today. Get out of the house. Play games with him. Burn off his energy. Validate and encourage his good behaviours.

It sounds like your dad is too set in his ways to change but you can change yourresponses to him. If you think he is being unreasonable tell him very calmly "I'm the parent here Dad, I'll handle this' and just keep repeating it. Practice it in front of a mirror if you have to.

Personally I don’t think anyone should be shouting at someone else’s child. You weren’t dealing with it effectively that is clear, and I expect there is a difficult and stressful dynamic with your dad that you son well have reacted to.

Why are you spending time with your dad given he’s controlling and emotionally abusive? That’s not an environment to take a small child into.

If the behaviour from your son was unusual why did he do it? It’s a strange thing to do for the first time when out.

I would leave early and take some time to understand why you’re spending time with a man who clearly doesn’t like or respect you, even if he is your dad.

Agree 100%

YABU your son wasn't behaving himself and, although you say you were "dealing with it", your dad stepped in old-skool parenting stylee. Think it highlights how different generations parent differently.

I agree with this. Think through what you're going to say, speak clearly and firmly so there's no misunderstanding. Now's the time to get the backbone you needed when he behaved like this to you. Good luck.

No it's not. It's offered to see who can be the biggest areshole.

Cant you get a taxi to the train station? No he shouldn't have spoke to your son like that he's only 5! He's your son not his!

I’m sorry your DF is a bully OP, but good for you for not sticking around so he could bully your DS.

On balance, in your shoes I would leave if I could afford a taxi. If I couldn’t, I would keep out of your DF’s way until Sunday - unless he made some moves to show he regrets his actions, in which case I would engage to a degree.

Good luck. I hope things calm down enough for you and your little boy to enjoy your time in beautiful Wales.