AIBU to refuse care for my late dad’s wife?

[AnotherPosterUsername]

My dad died 2 years ago leaving his wife. My mum and dad split up when I was about 4 due to my dad having an affair with her. I’ve never been very close to my dad’s wife but I’ve obviously been pleasant as I wanted to see my dad and understand she was part of that.

My dad was married to her since I was about 6. We were about 60/40 between my mum and dad’s house and we all saw our dad regularly as adults. My dad and his wife also had a child together so we have a half sibling.

My dad’s wife is now ill and needs some care at home. Our half sibling is expecting me and my siblings to help with care. We have all said no for our own differing reasons.

Half sibling is now going round to other family to say how selfish we are as her mum ‘raised us’. We have all had messages to say our dad would be disappointed and saddened.

Are we the unreasonable ones to not care for her? We all have busy lives and responsibilities elsewhere but bottom line is that we don’t want to have to look after her. We have told our half sister she can do it or she can pay for carers.

Goodness no you have zero responsibility to provide care. When it comes up again just look puzzled and say “but she’s your mother?”. Throw in some comments about understanding how hard it is from your experience of caring for your mother. If you like add that to be honest you never really liked her that much, she was a very cold stepmother. Mention the anffair. After a few rounds of this conversation I expect the subject will be dropped.

Someone who’s a trained carer - I am not one, so will not do it.

I am happy to pay people to do the stuff I don’t want to do. I add that to the list.

OP if you live locally you could say that you'll take her to the odd hospital appointment or drop off shopping. Just to show a bit of willing. But I also think that if you were a half brother nobody would expect this of you, it's just another of those double standards for men and women.

I certainly wouldn't do care. That's what paid and trained carers are for. People always act as if you are selfish not to. Well how do you manage to look after someone who can't get to the loo on their own by yourself while you are working? Of course your half sibling needs to arrange paid care or other help like mowing the lawn or whatever.

I am an only child so I am the only person who helps my mum.

It's the way the cookie crumbles.

And even if you have four kids, two could end up in Australia and one die young so there's still only one to help.

Also the OP could be married and need to support a DH's elderly relatives even if that's just holding the fort while he does stuff.

Your father might well ‘want’ you to take care of her but it would be another instance of him putting her interests above those of his own daughter…

Well, it’s kinda the law that your mum had to wipe your bum.

Yep.....but no law to say you can't help them when they're old either

This woman showed zero interest in OP as a child. It doesn’t seem like she’s shown any interest in her since she’s been an adult either. What you would do to your mother is nothing to do with this thread, I don’t know why you keep commenting like it is.

She is expecting help from my brother as well as my sister so there doesn’t seem to be double standards. She wants us all helping so she has to do less.

I think you are absolutely right not to be guilted into giving care just because some people have a distorted view of how faaaamlee is supposed to behave. It ain’t Eastenders

Did she help with your mum?

Did her mum show any great parenting to your brother or sister?

I’m guessing no, no and no.

Well she'll have to get used to disappointment, won't she.

Id be giving your half sister around of fucks
Your quite right to say no.
The woman isn't your relative and so not your problem.
Good idea to suggest paid care but don't get guilted into paying for it.

I'd block her and leave her to it

End of the day, its her mom, not yours.

Yes that could be the case, but then the OP would already know via his will and caring or not wont make any difference.

I would message something like:

I cared for my own mum.
I will help care for my own dad.
Your mum is not my relation or my problem.
My dad is a cheater but he's my cheater.
Your mum's a homewrecker but she's not mine.

She couldn't have split the family up
if the dad hadn't let her. They are both responsible, more so the dad.
But if they were married for 40 years, then I guess they stood the test of time. Maybe they were right for each other.
Doesn't mean you have to help with care though OP! You have no obligation at all to do that!

Don’t you think it was selfish and individualistic to have an affair with a man who was married with children?

This woman can reap what she has sown. OP owes nothing to the woman who helped break up her own family, or to the daughter of that relationship who makes shitty comments and has no concept of how fortunate she was to grow up with both parents living together while that was denied to the OP and her siblings.

I haven’t read all of the posts. You are most definitely not being unreasonable to not care for this woman. I hope I got the double negatives right. Don’t give it another thought. You have no obligation to anyone other than your own family.

God no you don't need to provide any care at all. It's a hard enough job when you care about the person you're caring for!

Yet your stepmother brought you up 40% of your childhood. Surely you can find some time or/and money to contribute to her now? There might be admin areas you could help with? Regular phone calls or visits? Taking her out occasionally? It's always unfair when just one family member is left with all the responsibility of support and care.

OP has been really clear that her stepmother did not bring her up, she did none of the work and gave none of the support. She has stated this clearly if you look at her answers.

What if your mum falls ill tomorrow and needs care, would your half-sister help with costs and arrangements for that? I doubt it.

You owe that woman nothing. She’s not your parent - she’s partly the reason you didn’t grow up with both parents still together in your home. Your mum raised you, not AP/SM. Also, care is hard graft even when it’s for someone you love unconditionally and have a great relationship with. It’s not an obligation or anything you should feel pressured or guilted into giving, no matter who it’s for.

Life is hard enough as it is without adding in caring for someone who helped break your family up. Your half-sister needs to sort it out like you did for your mum when she was ill.

Did your half sister help with your mum?
who looked after your dad?

if you were 13 when she was born she doesn’t know that her mum didn’t do any step parenting or that she wasn’t a lovely warm step mum to you. So sadly she thinks something happened that didn’t.

if I was close to the half sister I would support her.

I have much younger half siblings ( similar age to my DC) so I know how complicated these things can be. Their mother for example hates me so if this was me being asked to look after her I would decline instantly plus she wouldn’t even want me in her house. It all depends on the relationships or the lack of one over the years.

I wouldn’t be stepping in to help, and if I was your half sister I wouldn’t be wanting someone who didn’t want to help to be looking after my mum. They can use any inheritance towards carers for her.