AIBU to refuse care for my late dad’s wife?

[AnotherPosterUsername]

My dad died 2 years ago leaving his wife. My mum and dad split up when I was about 4 due to my dad having an affair with her. I’ve never been very close to my dad’s wife but I’ve obviously been pleasant as I wanted to see my dad and understand she was part of that.

My dad was married to her since I was about 6. We were about 60/40 between my mum and dad’s house and we all saw our dad regularly as adults. My dad and his wife also had a child together so we have a half sibling.

My dad’s wife is now ill and needs some care at home. Our half sibling is expecting me and my siblings to help with care. We have all said no for our own differing reasons.

Half sibling is now going round to other family to say how selfish we are as her mum ‘raised us’. We have all had messages to say our dad would be disappointed and saddened.

Are we the unreasonable ones to not care for her? We all have busy lives and responsibilities elsewhere but bottom line is that we don’t want to have to look after her. We have told our half sister she can do it or she can pay for carers.

40% of 2/3 of her childhood. And the latter part at that, when children tend to need far less looking after.

My parents worked, up to the age of about 14, I generally went to neighbours before and after school. They often fed me dinner, helped with homework etc. Do I owe them elder care?

She was with these children for years and yet has not established a close relationship with them, doesn’t that strike you as odd? My sister had a partner with a child about 25 years ago. They had her once a fortnight from the age of about 4 till 8 when her mother moved her abroad. They moved back when the girl was in her late teens, and she chose to come visit my sister, who by this time was no longer with her dad. She still sees her quite regularly. Building a relationship with step children isn’t impossible, and OP hasn’t said there was any early, or ongoing rift with her, just that she wasn’t a parent to them, despite them being in the home for a lot of time. There is also very little relationship between the step siblings. That in itself tells a story. OP owes her what she was given - very little.

Half siblings not step siblings, they had the same father. Although it’s obvious that the OP never felt bond with her half sister despite the blood connection.

It’s telling that the OP doesn’t use the word stepmum at all, despite knowing her for so long. There really is no bond at all, so it’s hardly surprising that she doesn’t want to be involved at all.

I really admire your efforts but I don’t agree with your language “her bit” etc. Half sis is SM’s only child. OP is not a child of her SM and doesn’t feel any major connection to a half sis who is 13 years younger than her.

Im certainly not saying don’t help her, frankly I’d help people I don’t know if they needed it, but it’s not OP’s “bit”. Everyone is entitled to decide who they see are family outside of their actual bio family and I say that as someone who had an amazing relationship with a step granny.

And who will then. I don’t obviously what to wipe my mother’s behind but the alternative is a minimum wage worker and I think we move gotten far too used as a society to shifting elder care onto the low paid.

This post has made me realise just how selfish we’ve become as a society. Everyone has a very individualistic mindset. She’s been in your life since you were 6 years old and you don’t feel enough for her to want to help? That’s sad to me. unless she was horrid to you, I agree with your half sister. I feel sorry for your half sister as she’ll have to carry this weight alone.

She’s been in her life since she was 4 I think, because she had an affair with OP’s father. She didn’t arrive into OP’s life as some kind of benevolent auntie figure.

I very much agree that society has become too individualistic btw but I would have feelings about caring for a woman who broke up my family. The OP is also aware that her own mother carried the burden of hiding that fact from the kids for years.

She did those things instead of OP's father doing them though because she chose to have an affair with a narried man who gad children. I am sure OP would gave preferred it if it was her own parents doing those things. Unlike the stepmother she didn't get a choice.

Caring for someone you love dearly can break you. And I am sure you and your siblings found, as you cared for your own mum, that what starts as the odd bit of help here and there becomes more and more consuming.

I'm not one of life's natural born carers even though I loved my mum dearly. I could never do the same things for someone I didn't have a relationship with. Stick to your guns. If you are challenged, tell people the truth about your relationship.

I do have sympathy for your half sister but it is not your responsibility.

In your shoes l probably wouldn’t be getting involved. Ignore the emotional manipulation in the texts you are getting

The half sister sounds toxic and if you weren’t that close I would be stepping right back. It would be a completely different matter if she’d been a warm loving step mum and you had a close relationship with your half sister. Doesn’t sound like this is the case so you have nothing to lose.

If you had no loving bond with her then it’s not your problem.
You’ve Spent quite a lot of time with her growing up. Was she not kind to you?

She's been in the OP's life since childhood but she has not been a positive or caring part of her life - as evidenced by the lack of relationship and the fact she's "my father's wife" and not "my stepmum".

Yes, she cooked meals, but so did the childminder my parents paid when they worked late - and I did actually like my childminder. It doesn't mean I'm ready to be her carer.

OP has a half sibling a generation younger than her with nothing in common other than DNA from their father. The half sister presumably loves her mum and feels protective of her. But the half sister grew up with both parents there for her, not in a broken home because of infidelity. Sg had a totally different experience.

I have cared for people I love. I am never going to do it for someone I escaped at 18 and don't have an ongoing relationship with.

So these things happen. You don't know the ins and outs.She was still his wife at the end of the day.
However OP has to make her own mind up. Not our circus etc.

OP's mother was once his wife too. For all we know they may have remained together during OPs childhood if it wasn't for his affair with the stepmother.

Sorry you're in the same boat. I'm glad you are able to say no. Once your dad passed, any link with that woman was broken for you and you're absolutely right not to bother with her demands. Good for you.

Just because someone is in your life doesn’t mean you love them or even like them. She was in my life only because she was married to my dad. Lots of people have family members that they don’t have much of a bond with.

I think you can honestly reply to her along the lines of “of recollections will vary but Dad was the one who looked after us with support from his parents. Our contact was when Dad wasn’t working so he did it all apart from cooking. I’m sure would Dad wouldn’t understand that we never had a “mum” relationship.”

I have family friends - 5 kids, 2 still in secondary when the mum died tragically. Dad married someone in a caregiving role to one of the kids. Dad has since passed away and all the kids just want to take a step back. They said they’d spend a Christmas or two with her but then they wanted her to “spend it with her own family”.
That’s how they felt. They lost their mum tragically. The older sisters who were you adults always looked out for the younger ones. None of them really wanted SM in their lives and now they’re done with her.

Don’t feel bad op. Your busy. You have no real relationship with her or your half sister.

She can get careers in.

Tough titties to those who think you should help, they can always go round if they feel strongly.

I find this a bit odd as I have a similar dynamic - my mum and stepdad had an affair 50 years ago and have been married for 46 years now. They each had two children and then had one together. I’m not sure any of us would treat the stepparent any differently from the parent. It’s strange that after all this time the family hasn’t fused together; the affair is ancient history.

It’s not a one size fits all. I had a step grandmother (grandad met her after grandmother died), and I’d say she was the one of the best things that ever happened to me. Much lovelier than my grandma on the other side.

Buts it’s not a one size fits all. If they weren’t close they weren’t close.

Don't let people guilt trip you. You don't have to like her or care for her. Don't waste time wondering what your dad would think. He certainly didn't worry about what people thought of him or he wouldn't have left his family for another woman.

You were a child, it was very much on her to create that relationship with you but she didn’t do that. And now, her daughter is finding out the result of not creating that relationship 🤷‍♀️.

Yanbu and good for you for sticking to it. She may be your SM but that was HER choice to insert herself into your life.
A woman cruel enough to have a hand in breaking up a home with very young kids, doesn’t deserve a thing of you.
As for your sister, just because she is related to you again it doesn’t mean you owe her anything. It seems like you barely know her, have anything in common and just obligated by having a dad in common.
I wouldn’t even give it more thought

People are assuming we’re not close because of the affair which isn’t true. By the time I found out about it I was about 20. I already wasn’t close to her.